My 10 year old asked me if I am taking birth control

amother

Aquamarine ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:14 am

amother Garnet wrote:

I didnt read all the comments, but I will tell my experience. My mother couldn't have children after me. Had I been strung along to think it was possible to have more children, I would have been very upset.
My mother always explained to me that she wishes she could have more children but that it was dangerous for her to have more children, but it is important to daven bec hkbh could heal anyone.
She also said to daven that I am able to have a big family if I want when I get married. Bh I always did and bh I am blessed with many children.

My kids are begging for a baby. I’m actually trying for a while. You think I’m stringing them along? Or I need to say I’m doing everything to make one? It’s really not appropriate or a child’s right to know and understand.

amother

↑ Garnet ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:16 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

That is completely different imo. You are trying rather than not able to have children due to a medical condition.
I was devistated that I couldnt have younger siblings, but understood.

amother

↑ Aquamarine ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:18 am

amother Garnet wrote:

That is completely different imo. You are trying rather than not able to have children due to a medical condition.
I was devistated that I couldnt have younger siblings, but understood.

How is it different? I don’t know if I’m going to have another one. They still ask every day and say it’s not fair that my youngest is so old. I do tell them to daven but I don’t say anything else. I don’t think they need to know anything else even if they are devastated about not have another sibling.

amother

↑ Garnet ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:19 am

amother Garnet wrote:

That is completely different imo. You are trying rather than not able to have children due to a medical condition.
I was devistated that I couldnt have younger siblings, but understood.

Also I am sorry. I am just giving my experience. I didnt mean to offend anyone.
I only had 1 older sibling with special needs so I grew up practically an only child. It was very difficult for me.

lucky322 ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:34 am

a close family member of mine had brain surgery, and due to some complications afterwards, she was told that it would be very difficult for her to get pregnant and might not be safe. she also had a young daughter who kept davening and asking for more siblings. her mother at some point explained to her (w/of going into details about bc) that the doctors said she couldn't have any more children. she empathized and validated get daughters feelings and also expressed gratitude that she was able to have her daughter and son. eventually her daughter was able to accept the reality.

not everyone is able to increase their family size for so many different reasons. bc is not the only cause.

↑ lucky322

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:39 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

don't give up hope. just keep davenining and doing your histadlus.
a good friend of mine was the oldest of 3 children, when her youngest sibling was 10, her mother finally had another child (her parents davened by R' Shimon's kever in Meir a year b4), followed by 2 more in the next few years.

my point is that you never know. you can daven, get a bracha from a gadol/Rebbe etc. but you don't have to give up hope, even while being realistic.

amother

PlumPink

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:44 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

It's different because her mother knew she couldn't have anymore. IyH you will.

It's a very upsetting aspect of SIF when your children plead for more siblings. I think empathising with the children that it isn't easy for them, especially as their classmates are frequently having new siblings, is important. And that you want that too and it's in Hashem's hands, so you should all daven lots.

Once it was no longer possible for me to have more I did let my DC know that.

amother

Snowdrop

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:45 am

When I told my DD about intimacy, she asked about BC.

I told her, there are things people can do if they don't want to be pregnant, butv still anyone being intimate with a man may or may not get pregnant, it's not completely in our control.

( Too go off in an irrelevant tangent,

I wish that was the overall message in America, because I think the cause of so many single mothers, teen mothers, and abortions, is the message that you can have "responsible" relations if you take contraceptives.)

tulip3 ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 8:43 am

She already knows the concept, so the question is do you share your health issues with her? Personally, I would. She is old enough to get a period, old enough to know about relations and old enough to know some medical history which makes you unable to get have a baby and be alive. You can teach her that it's private and she shouldn't be telling her friends your business. We need to stop hiding things that are factual important things that our kids should know when they come and ask us point blank about that topic. If they don't ask then you have a few more years before explaining, but if they come to you with a question, ANSWER IT. we would have so many less issues if we would be comfortable in our own skin and just tell them facts, zero shame.

amother

Fuchsia ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 8:57 am

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

Its always so interesting to hear different opinions. I was sure the thread would be over after the first response. IMHO, it is totally appropriate for a 10 year old who is bringing a question to you after hearing something in school. Giving a half satisfying answer will just make her even more uncomfortable and confused.
It is always ok to preface the answer with-
I would rather not discuss my situation and its not really something that people are comfortable being asked because it is personal. But I am happy you asked me and I can answer you in general terms. Your tefillos are always very much appreciated because our family is so amazing and we obviously want it to grow...
Then, That being said-
You can totally use the text from the first responder.

I personally have been on medications that were not to be taken when pregnant and for years could not get off. I knew my DH was praying and my kids too. Why shouldn't they be? Its been close to a decade and I am now pregnant who would have thought this would be possible for me. BC was a gift when I needed it but God was looking out for me and I am sure no prayers went to waste.

Exactly!! It's one thing to ask how would you approach this topic with a 10 year old, and a TOTALLY different thing to ask how to approach this once she ALREADY BROUGHT IT UP.

As a parenting coach, I found the first response to be great- clearly answering the question with enough information but not too much, clarifying that all situations are different, and addressing the daughter's sense of being betrayed in a healthy and clear manner.
Hatzalacha OP

amother

↑ Fuchsia ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:10 am

I just read through the rest of the thread and many responses are responding to the general idea of discussing bc in general/in their case and we're missing a key point.
Op, your daughter is feeling slighted/betrayed. She's not asking the technical how does bc work or the curious why and hene do people take it or even the invasive what are you doing and why.
Shes expressing her frustration to you. A frustration that she's been Davening so much and really begging Hashem for this and now she finds out that there's a possibility you're doing something to prevent it and you still let her go on with Davening. To her it may feel the same as a situation where you tell her that when she walks to a certain place she'll get ice cream, only to place an invisible treadmill under her feet and you let her keep running on it without telling her it's there. She's frustrated and feels like she was slighted. Do both of you a favor and address this. Please reread the first response - it did a great job explaining that she's indeed not on a treadmill, her Tefillos matter an do have power and also at the same time you amy or may not be on BC.

In addition, she may or may not be feeling disappointed about not having a younger sibling and you can find that out by speaking to her and clarifying. Whether or not this is another discussion to be had- you have an amazing opportunity to address the first issue and build such strong trust in your relationship.

amother

↑ Snowflake ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:18 am

You can tell them that the doctor said you can’t have anymore babies because it’s very dangerous for you.

You don’t need to tell her more than that.
You don’t need to explain your medical issues to her.
You can tell her that you’re not the only mommy the doctor told that not to have more babies. (And how another baby would be lovely but it’s dangerous)
(My great grandmother was told the same thing)

amother

DarkRed

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:38 am

amother Yellow wrote:

I disagree. I think a ten year old can handle such an explanation. I explained something similar to my kids around that age and none of them seem to have been traumatized by it.

Exactly! Me too! They accepted it and understood and never asked again and felt very calm about it. I said it very matter of fact. And they took it as matter of fact.