My 10 year old asked me if I am taking birth control

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 5:05 am

My daughter always thought that having kids is something to daven for. She just recently heard from a friend that parents can take medicine to stop themselves from having a baby. She came home and confronted me miserably saying how I could I not have told her when all these years she has been davening so hard for another sibling and is it true that I am taking birth control and not trying to fill her deepest wish? How would you respond? She is only 10.. I feel like way to young to understand the concept and to keep things private.
It happens to be I almost died my last pregnancy and am under strict doctors orders to never get pregnant again. I had to be on hospital bed rest the whole time and still delivered over 2 months early because of my health. I have a blood clotting issue and lost multiple pregnancies due to clots during pregnancy. She doesn’t remember because she was young.
My fear is that if I tell her it will be discussed with friends and or brought up repeatedly. I do not share all or even most of my medical issues with her but I am very sickly. (Ie have a heart condition, blood clotting issues, autoimmune, etc )

103

amother

Jean ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 5:11 am

I'd say there's a medicine that doctors prescribe for when having a baby inside would not be healthy for a woman. And sometimes people daven that it should become okay to stop taking it, but sometimes Hashem wants a woman to have to take the medicine, and like everything else that we daven for and don't get, we need to accept it.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 5:37 am

amother Jean wrote:

That is way too intense for a 10 year old omg! Please no.

I’m not the sheltering type at all and believe kids should know about birds and bees etc at 9/10 years old. And it’s fine that she knows about bc in therapy but I would definitely not share specifics with her so young.

“ hashem decides when each set of parents should have more children, sometimes, with advice of doctor or rav there may be medicine to take to prevent it but whether or not someone is taking it is very private and not a conversation.”

- but mommy I want you to have a baby are you taking it?

“That’s not a question I’m going to answer but you should know that I may not have more children, not everyone does. We can daven that hashem should bless our family in many ways.”

And op I’m sorry about your medical situation. I think I would share more about that at age 14/16 depending on maturity- (“the doctor has told me that I will probably not have more children because of some medical issues. I’m bh healthy otherwise and thank hashem every day that I get to be uuur mother”)

wanttobehappy

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 5:47 am

I am in the same situation. I am bh healthy but almost died giving birth. Uterus wouldn’t shrink placenta abruption/ Privia. I am very very open about it all. Everyone who knows me knows I LOOOVE LOOVE children. There is no way I would be happy with my small family size. I wanted to adopted since I am a little girl and dream of the day my husband will be ready. My daughter 6 is dying for a sister (rightfully so). She knows babies come from the Mommy’s stomach. It was very scary when I gave birth. Usally it’s not that way. I want her to have a mommy so badly that I can’t risk it. But we are so lucky I get to play tons to games with hers read tons of books go to awesome trips. We have guest all the time. We have tons of neighbors/ cousins. she has closets full of clothing. She gets her own room. ( yes I know materialistic things don’t make up for a sibling) I let her know we can always daven for what we really want. Hashem can make a ness at any time. I am at a place of acceptance so she can be as well. I thought it’s mean to let her think it might happen at any moment. I don’t want a repeat of this conversation every few weeks months. She got it and is ok with it. She did say last week one of my nieces is so lucky she has a older siblings I asked why she said she washes her hair in the bath (she was so proud to do it alone a few months ago) so I asked her if she wants me to start washing her hair for her again and I do…

amother

Saddlebrown ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:08 am

Its always so interesting to hear different opinions. I was sure the thread would be over after the first response. IMHO, it is totally appropriate for a 10 year old who is bringing a question to you after hearing something in school. Giving a half satisfying answer will just make her even more uncomfortable and confused.
It is always ok to preface the answer with-
I would rather not discuss my situation and its not really something that people are comfortable being asked because it is personal. But I am happy you asked me and I can answer you in general terms. Your tefillos are always very much appreciated because our family is so amazing and we obviously want it to grow...
Then, That being said-
You can totally use the text from the first responder.

I personally have been on medications that were not to be taken when pregnant and for years could not get off. I knew my DH was praying and my kids too. Why shouldn't they be? Its been close to a decade and I am now pregnant who would have thought this would be possible for me. BC was a gift when I needed it but God was looking out for me and I am sure no prayers went to waste.

amother

Opal

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:16 am

amother OP wrote:

You tell her:
1. Yes there are medicines and other things that people can do when they don't want to have a baby. It doesn't always work but it usually does. When you grow up I will explain more.
2. You don't ask a woman if she is taking birth control, it's like asking how old she is or if she has a baby in her tummy or if she is dating yet - it's one of those very personal questions that you just don't ask because it's not your business.

If you want:
3. You asked about me. My doctor told me that we can't have more babies. I wish we could but this is what Hashem decided for our family.

You don't have to say 3, only if you want to. The others are more than enough.

amother

Waterlily

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:21 am

My 10 year old is aware that it is possible to take medical measures to prevent pregnancy. And my older kids also knew at around that age. They do NOT know my personal situation because that's private and not their right to know, though I'm sure they've guessed that I've had some intentional gaps between them. They are also aware that having another baby or not is up to the parents and Hashem. They're welcome to daven for more siblings but they get zero input on the decision (and frankly, even for the parents the input is minimal because it's ultimately up to Hashem).

amother

↑ Saddlebrown

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:29 am

amother Wallflower wrote:

Exactly,
in general I find the parents own comfort level to be a factor in how level headed they are able to be when their kids come to them with question.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:48 am

amother OP wrote:

You can't really hide it from her. If you give half explanations she will probably ask even more.
You don't need and shouldn't say if and what BC you use. That's a totally private thing.

seeker

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 8:17 am

amother Opal wrote:

This but I would add to #1 that also sometimes people don't have babies for many other reasons, not only birth control.

From the op it sounds like now that she heard about birth control, she assumes that's The reason for not having babies. By clarifying that yes BC exists but also no, many times people don't have babies simply because the babies don't come, first of all that's helpful accurate information and secondly it gets you out of her making assumptions or needing further explanations about you specifically.

amother

Trillium

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 8:22 am

I wouldn’t tell a ten year old about it , but since she knows and is asking, I would say there is something that prevents people from getting pregnant , but as Jews , we only use it if we really need to and our Rabbi says to. I would not tell her if I am taking it. She doesn’t need to know that. If she’s asks, I would say it’s private information that we don’t share.

amother

Lilac ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 8:30 am

amother Opal wrote:

This.

10 year olds aren’t babies. They are old enough to know if you are bs-ing with them and it can hurt your relationship. Just like any of sensitive questions that come up over childhood, you answer shortly, honestly and without going into personal details.

(Do you and tatty have s-x to make a baby? Etc… same type of answer. Honest, short, and refrain from talking about yourself personally.)

Not only shouldn’t she be shut down, she should be encouraged to ask questions whenever they come up.

amother

Garnet ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 8:43 am

I didnt read all the comments, but I will tell my experience. My mother couldn't have children after me. Had I been strung along to think it was possible to have more children, I would have been very upset.
My mother always explained to me that she wishes she could have more children but that it was dangerous for her to have more children, but it is important to daven bec hkbh could heal anyone.
She also said to daven that I am able to have a big family if I want when I get married. Bh I always did and bh I am blessed with many children.

amother

Junglegreen

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 10:09 am

I would ask someone you respect for advice. I am on birth control maybe forever because of Chronic physical and mental health issues. My oldest is 13 and I have not told him. I don't think it's appropriate for him to know. He has dropped hints that he doesn't think I want to really have a baby. I think he sees I can't cope well.

I want to add that I never suggest they daven for a baby because I don't think it's fair to them for this very reason that I'm stringing them along.