Social norms in BP

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:28 am

amother Blush wrote:

Welcome,
I hope you will be happy here.
I am born and bred here and not young, so I know the ins and outs.
To all those who say there are many who don't follow the social norms, you are right. What you left out is that you wont be considered norm. So keep that in mind.
I am very normal, my family is "normal", and my kids are in great schools bh.
But no, I don't follow the "norms", because many are just not who I am!
I buy in carters and childrens place. Yes. And yes people laugh at me. A couple of years ago I mentioned that I was getting a light blue blanket as a baby gift and I was almost beheaded, as I was told babies today don't wear light blue, they wear grey. OH I beg your pardon (btw , by now blue is acceptable again thank god. )I buy blue because I LIKE light colors on babies. especially light blue and light pink. so I really don't care if all my neighbors choose grey and black and brown. OK?

Now to add to the list of norms:

1. Never smile to a strangers child , or even to a neighbor. The mother will look at you like youre a child molestor, and will pull their child close.

2. Never play with your kids in public. And probably not in private either.
My neighbor once saw me playing cars with my kids in the dining room and she asked if I was doing play therapy. LOL . No, I was playing with my kids.

3. Never laugh or giggle in public (as a woman, not kids), not even to giggle with your kids. Keep a serious face at all times, as it makes you look so much more dignified.

4. Never offer to help someone, as they will look at you with scorn and will also take offense that you think they need help.

5. never use a baby carrier, even if that's the only way your baby is calm. Even if you love it. Better to walk with a screaming baby.

6. Never be authentic when something is challenging or difficult. You are perfect. It's all bashert. Even if ou live in a one bedroom apartment with 14 kids and an outhouse. Very important for everyone to know what a tzadeikis you are.

These are only some small tips. If you'd like more I can definitely continue on a little later.
Enjoy the wonderful town you now call home!

Omg about speaking to strangers.

On Friday I was with my 3 little children trying to load the car to go away for shabbos, my husband was inside gathering the few last minute things.

The baby was crying and I was bucking the older kids in.

A neighbor of ours who I hadn't met yet, is a girl around 12 years old. Was standing watching me. I said would you mind holding the baby for a min?
She just stared back. I repeated myself. She mumbled some answer, I said you don't need to if you don't want to Smile

she just mumbled and went away.
I was so weirded out...

amother

Garnet

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:39 am

I laughed so hard reading this thread but I also cried a little. The norm in bp is to be classy at all times. Final. So the trends here will be which brand name is in that season, everyone kids wear the same high end brands or dupes. Just because it's comfortable doesn't mean it should be used or worn, not one person on 13th Avenue is using a babycarrier. Like never. Image is very important. It comes naturally to us who are born and bred here. I can easily buy a sweater in target or old navy but without thinking I will only buy ones in colors and styles that are classy or in the seasons styles with a more expensive look.
Hair needs to be refined and styled. Strangled long loose hair isn't something that is done. Kids have shabbos shoes and shabbos coats from toddler age. Hair accessories change every season. Girls don't wear socks past preschool for the most part. Children play outside but it's on the sidewalk so they stay neater. They're not playing in mud puddles or digging in the dirt.
Boys wear fitted pants. Spring jackets are used instead of sweatshirts. When u go out is expected to wear a wig and nicer dressed clothes. No house clothes. Most people I see wear makeup every day. Brand name small purses, no big tote bags.
The list is endless but it really boils down to looking and acting classy.

amother

↑ Blush ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:47 am

amother Garnet wrote:

And snobby

amother

↑ Blush ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:48 am

amother Garnet wrote:

Oh and don’t talk to anyone less classy because people might link you with that unclassy person heaven forbid.

amother

↑ Blush ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:49 am

amother OP wrote:

she just mumbled and went away.
I was so weirded out...

Yup. Welcome. I’m that way too. If I see a kid crying I’ll ask the mother if I can give him a drink or something and they stare at me as though I asked if she has a cigarette lighter for me

amother

↑ Blush ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:53 am

This post is really helping my self esteem.
I always felt like an outcast here. Couldn’t make friends. Couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
NOW IFINALLY GET IT!
I’m not crazy or weird.
I just buy in Walmart.
I wear same accessories for many years.
I let my kids paint and make a mess.
I bake with my kids and let them lick the batter and then I let them go out to play with some batter left on their shirt.
I make races with my kids when the streets are quiet and they are so lonely because nobody will play with kids who are wearing headbands from last year.

amother

↑ Blush ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 1:15 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

Yes to the classy but I actually don’t think it’s snobby per se.
Most people here are born and bred here and have sisters and family and classmates and just aren’t looking to make new friends.
I find the women polite and very friendly. Not necessarily super-warm and BFF-style because for the most part they already have their community and don’t think about bringing more people into it.

Unfortunately you don’t realize how that comes across.
You might not be looking for new friends. But there are other people who joined and have no way to join the “group”. How is that ok?

↑ happyness ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 1:27 am

I really think your mindset matters a ton.

I walk on the street and am super comfortable being me. I have plenty of myself that doesn’t conform and I’m actually proud of it. I’m authentic and real. I’ve never felt judged for not going with norms. Only admiration, actually.

I walk in the street with an expectation of those around me being nice and kind. I’ll rock a carriage for a mom that’s shopping instead of judging her, and I’ll get a sweet thank you in return. I’ll comment on how nice a sweater fits the lady trying it on and get an appreciative smile.

Just the other day it began pouring. A woman walking by asked if she could stand in my foyer until the rain stopped and we had a lovely conversation.

I truly believe the vibes you give off make a very big difference. I hardly relate to all this negativity being described. Sure, there are those that judge and all, but self esteem plays a big role.

Invite the love and positivity in❤️

amother

Holly

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 1:36 am

One thing I haven't really seen delved into here is that when you're in a community of large, close knit families, people already have their village. If you're an outsider with little family support, you need them more than they need you.

I'm married to a BP guy and we live in a different community that a lot of people moved away from family to join. I had a 4 week meal train after giving birth. Every single day. My friends in communities like Lakewood and BP who have tremendous family networks nearby couldn't relate to it because they're all going to their parents and/or getting helped by family in other ways. Similarly, my in laws neighbors in BP were astounded that I went straight home after giving birth and even made pesach a few months later (gasp) - but it's all good, I scored major geshikt points Very Happy

In my community, we need to rely on each other, and even people who have family nearby don't necessarily have consistent help if their parents are older etc.

I think this plays out socially as well. It's just a different attitude about friends vs family.

Obviously I'm generalizing and not everyone is this way. But I've come to realize that a lot of what I perceived as snobbery was just an imbalance in the expectations of friendship.

amother

↑ Seagreen ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 1:49 am

amother Holly wrote:

👍

↑ happyness ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 1:54 am

I wanna add that I do see the herd mentality being very strong. But I view it as something that’s a choice- and I feel for those that feel trapped by it.

And there’s definitely something to the oot friendly vibe that’s so beautiful. You don’t reallly have that in bp- or anywhere in the Tristate area, for that matter.

I think that, at the end of the day, no matter where you live , you will have certain pressures to conform.

It may be looks or it may be your husbands status in the Torah world. Or possibly financial status.

And it’s up to us as individuals to determine how much of ourselves we’ll tap into and be genuine with.