Your dd has a friend over... WWYD

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 9:46 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I am surprised so many people would jsut invite her in when dd has a friend there already. Not all friends mesh and im even more surprised how many people would do it without asking their daughter.

I don’t allow my kids to hurt anyone. Once someone is at your door it’s just mean. It doesn’t have to be the most ideal situation. It’s good for kids to have good middos and push themselves a little. I’m appalled at how kids are so insensitive to each other these days.

amother

↑ Stoneblue ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 9:46 am

mizle10 wrote:

It wouldn't even occur to me otherwise. In our house everyone is invited. Shabbos afternoon we usually end up with a big crowd of girls. I have the same standards for myself. BH for being popular and well liked. Be friendly and inviting. Not every day needs to be your funest day.

You’re right. I thought about it and I was projecting feeling protective over my daughter who has a hard time making school friends and if a neighbor came over it just wouldn’t make sense.
IyH she’ll be in a position where all the girls are coming over to be with her and it should be easy and natural for her

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 9:48 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Wouldn’t she be devastated if she was the one told she can’t stay?

amother

Cherry ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 9:50 am

Please let her in!
I have a 12 year old daughter and I'm so appalled at the cattiness and brattiness that goes on!
It's just a shabbos afternoon, teach your daughter good middos by being welcoming! When I was a kid if I went to someone on shabbos I was never turned away. I think its a this generation thing...

amother

↑ Coral ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 9:58 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

This is why I refuse to allow my kids to reject anyone. It’s just an afternoon play date it’s not a marriage! All kids can stretch themselves and include everyone for that short time.

It's hard for the introverts! I encourage dd to stretch for someone else's sake, but I can't force her to love having a large group over. I would love of she would be miss popular! But she doesn't want to and possibly can't handle having groups too often.

The girls who are forced sometimes end up lying, like the poster who said her neighbors would hide.

Obviously, if dd would be rejecting someone regularly, we would address that and brainstorm ways to prevent that from happening. But that's not the case in my situation.

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 10:06 am

amother Coral wrote:

We discuss it often how someone feels being rejected. They know the reason why and they understand how hurtful it would be. They never lie or make excuses. It’s just not something we do in this house.

amother

Amethyst ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 10:09 am

I don't get this 'she already has a friend mentality', sounds so formal and unfriendly. We're talking about 12 years olds, not 4 year olds who need to be supervised during playdates.

Both where I grew up and where I live now, kids all play in groups Shabbos afternoon. And once they get to this age, of course they knock on doors without prearranging it beforehand.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 10:13 am

This is why I hated my teen years. It was hard enough for me to go to another girls house and knock on the door. Rejection just made it worse. I always invite people in. I once was napping and my daughter didn't let someone in. I was horrified. I told her that unless she dislikes the girl she must attempt to make her welcome.

amother

Lotus

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 10:15 am

I would let her in. My daughter was the one not let in and after a few times trying to make friends she gave up and shabbos has been miserable for her for a few years already. I’m grateful that my son’s neighborhood friends welcome him to the group.

amother

Raspberry ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 10:17 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I am surprised so many people would jsut invite her in when dd has a friend there already. Not all friends mesh and im even more surprised how many people would do it without asking their daughter.

Unless there's some prior concerns, isn't this a great teaching moment for our kids.? It would be even better if this scenario would be discussed with our children on an ongoing basis. It teaches children to have good middos, be inclusive and think about others.

Checking with your daughter makes it mostly about her. It doesn't encourage thinking about others. Of course, this is dependent on individual circumstances. If there is a particular girl that she doesn't want to be together with (for valid reasons), or someone is coming by way too often, personal issues, etc, then those conversations should be had. But on a general basis, when someone knocks you invite them in.

Ask your daughter how she would feel to be on the receiving end.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:07 am

amother Bone wrote:

I have younger kids, boys. Sometimes ds 7 will have a friend over when a neighbor will knock. This neighbor has a history of getting my ds to run away from the first friend so I do not allow him inside if that other friend came first and I say I’m sorry ds is not available now.

Similar situation but details provide different context

Not the same situation at all due to neighbors history.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:11 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I am surprised so many people would jsut invite her in when dd has a friend there already. Not all friends mesh and im even more surprised how many people would do it without asking their daughter.

Unless dd asked not to admit other friends, why on earth would you assume they won't mesh?
What happened to Ve'ahavta Le'rayacha?

amother

↑ Stoneblue

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:13 am

amother Raspberry wrote:

The situation that I projected was very specific. I mostly agree with most posters.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:17 am

For the mothers who think it’s okay to send the girl away:

Do you know what happens when that girl goes home? She cries and says “they were there, they knew I was there and they wouldn’t let me in!” She asked “why do they not like me?” She wonders if anyone likes her at all.

Is that really worth sparing your daughter needing to negotiate a larger group at her house? Or having to tolerate someone who isn’t her first choice?

To be clear, I’m not talking about extreme situations girls who are very socially off or unpleasant or other things of that nature. Just your run-of-the-mill , not-quite-cool-enough girl.

It’s your job as a mother to raise your daughter to be a good person not to make her perfectly happy and every moment of her life.

amother

Teal ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:34 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I am surprised so many people would jsut invite her in when dd has a friend there already. Not all friends mesh and im even more surprised how many people would do it without asking their daughter.

And I'm surprised how many people would hesitate to invite the girl in.

My daughter might want to be alone with just the one friend she already has over. But I think I'd be a lousy mother if I allowed her to think it was ok to do that at the expense of another girl's feelings. This is in no way teaching a child to be a doormat or that what she wants and feels doesn't matter, but rather training her to always be kind, to always think what it feels like to be in they other girl's situation.

amother

↑ Floralwhite ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:39 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

This. If dd gets a phone call to make plans, she can absolutely decide to decline.

But you don't turn someone away from your door.

amother

Rainbow ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:41 am

I'm torn about situations like this because after taking safety classes I was taught by psychologists in the field how important it is to validate and support your child when they feel uncomfortable with a person.
I usually try to make it a short playdate with supervision if my daughter isn't comfortable, but if there is no friend around I may say it's family time now and send them home with a snack bag.

amother

Bluebonnet ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:46 am

My rule is if a friend was invited and came from outside our immediate blocks then we dont have immediate block neighbors over.
This is because I find the dynamics dont work well. Also, we have lots of neighbors, so outside friend ends up feeling like an outsider.

When we have neighbors over, all are invited.

If someone walks over from outside neighborhood, also invited. If my dd is on the block somewhere when such a friend comes I try to find her and bring her home.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 11:49 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

You can validate and support your child and still teach them good middos. Would you validate and support your child if they felt they had to hit or be mean or bully another kid?

Also I'm sorry but giving a snack bag to a 12 year old is so patronising.

I see this sorry of behaviour with some of my kids classmates and I always wonder whether it comes from their mothers. Really I despair. Its just so mean.