Would you be upset if your sibling

amother

Eggplant

Wed, May 22 2024, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Okay, so those that said they’d be upset if their siblings would bring a toddler, how would you feel if you know your kid isn’t sleeping and is shrieking away at the babysitter?

I invite kids because I know how hard it is to leave kids with a babysitter. I'm the mother who left many simchas too early because my baby or toddler wasn't behaving at home.

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:00 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

A bar mitzvah is a kids party. It’s very appropriate to bring kids to a kids party

In my circles a BM is most definitely not a kids party. People are spending thousands of dollars for an elegant affair. It isn't appropriate to bring young kids without an explicit invitation.

I guess OP needs to clarify what kind of BMs is popular in her community.

amother

↑ Hawthorn ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

Okay, so those that said they’d be upset if their siblings would bring a toddler, how would you feel if you know your kid isn’t sleeping and is shrieking away at the babysitter?

If my babysitter calls me to tell me that the baby is starting to kvetch, I make my way home asap. Just happened on Monday actually.

We can't have it all ways. If kids are left at home like I would like it, then parents sometimes have to go early.

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Okay, so those that said they’d be upset if their siblings would bring a toddler, how would you feel if you know your kid isn’t sleeping and is shrieking away at the babysitter?

That would be on me. I would never expect the host to have that consideration. I would either split the time between my dh, leave early, or try to have a babysitter on my home.

That's a me problem. Not the hosts problem.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:07 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

No, it’s not the the host’s problem. But my dh and I will not be switching off, so that by the time one comes home while soup is being served, the other one gets there to dessert… if it’s so important for the bal simcha to have her siblings there, this is something to consider

amother

Lightgray ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Brought her toddler to your sons bar mitzva?

Only if I asked not to bring young kids or the child is noisy/disruptive/creating a mess.

There are people that never ever leave their kids with sitters & bring their kids everywhere. Even where they don't belong.
I don't think it's right.

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agree. But it is equally important for the siblings to consider the hosts needs and they should try to accommodate as much as possible. I.e. switching off shouldn't be the first thought, they should make an effort to find a babysitter.

amother

↑ Lightcyan ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:10 pm

Then DH just doesn’t come.

So toddler who is screaming and not sleeping at the sitter, what would he be doing if he was at the affair? Sleeping or overtired and either crying or a menace?

It’s your sister, be there. DH can stay home if a sitter is not an option, you don’t need to switch.

This is about the bar mitzvah boy and his parents. It is not about you.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Okay, so those that said they’d be upset if their siblings would bring a toddler, how would you feel if you know your kid isn’t sleeping and is shrieking away at the babysitter?

I would go home (and have gone home) to my child.

amother

Candycane

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:12 pm

Wow. I know there has been some back and forth here in the past as to whether weddings are adult only affairs or having lots of kids (or at least the ones who are family) is appropriate, but never did it occur to me that related children of any age would be unwelcome to a bar mitzvah. Perhaps you have some sort of unusual venue that would make it not okay, but generally in my mind a bar mitzvah is all age inclusive celebration.

amother

↑ Acacia ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Snowdrop wrote:

In my circles, a bar mitzvah is an elegant affair. it's absolutely NOT a kids party.

Can’t it be both? Aren’t the bar mitzvah boys friends there? Aren’t there cousins and neighbors and kids of all ages there? Glorified kids party doesn’t change that it’s. A party for a kid, and therefore a kids party

the world's best mom ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

I would love to enjoy the time with my siblings. It's a rare occasion for all of us to sit down and have some uninterrupted time together. When the toddlers/babies comes along, there are too many distractions. A child is either crying, someone is chasing after a kid, someone is busy feeding their kid etc.. It just changes up the entire experience.

This is just my personal preference. There is no right or wrong here.

If I am at a simcha and my sister's kid is disruptive, we all marvel at how cute he is or feel bad that he is crying. We like seeing each other's kids. And we do have time to shmooze among the adults too.

amother

Foxglove ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:17 pm

I think the baal simcha has the right to decide whether they want babies and toddler at their simcha. If there are several siblings with small children, it can get very chaotic.
We have an agreement with my siblings that we all don't invite children under 7/8. There are exceptions, but if we're all on the same page, then there's less family drama about it.
My sil brought her 3 year old to the most recent family simcha, and my sister was really upset. He's a difficult child and spent most of it running around the hall and screaming. My sil was specifically requested not to bring him, but she decided to regardless. And my sister is still upset about it.
I would be upset if my sibling singled me out and said only I couldn't bring my child, but if it's everyone, then I totally understand.
And I think it's very normal to have a babysitter and one spouse ends up needing to leave earlier. I've been invited to simchos, and sometimes it's just run much later and the babysitter can't stay any longer, or one of the children are crying. That's just part of it. If it's my family's simcha then I might push dh to be the one to go early, and if it's his, then I would go. Or it's just whichever of us has had enough and is fine going. That's just part of having kids and the responsibility it comes with.
I don't think it's fair to give an ultimatum to your sibling, if you want me, you need to want my child. Would you do that to a cousin, family friend, or someone else who invited you to their simcha?

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

Many consider a Bar Mitzvah a formal event. Many consider a Bar Mitzvah a family chanuka party style. If it's a formal event, then little kids don't belong there. If it's a family chanuka party style, then it is more of a kids event.
Most people I know, their Bar mitzvahs are formal events.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:18 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

The Bar Mitzvah boys friends are 13, not 2-4. They're sitting at the table & participating in the simcha. Not running around like toddlers do. Only older Cousins are invited. Neighbors kids are not invited to the Bar Mitzvah.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Wed, May 22 2024, 2:19 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

If you don't want kids then don't be insulted if both parents don't come. You can't have it all.

Why should both parties not go? I've had plenty that just one of us went to a simcha because of child care arrangements.