My husband thinks it's 1990...

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Chayalle ↓

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:13 am

Your husband thinks it's the 90's, my father is still in the 60's-70's. I think there are some relationships that are life-long, and for some people, music is one of them. My father thinks compositions stopped at around the time he got married, and anything composed later should not be played or sung.
It's funny because we were at a cousin's wedding some time ago, and the style was very much my father's type, so I commented to him on the way home (I was driving him) that he must have enjoyed the music. He told me right away that no, they didn't play any of the old music (he said it in a a way that implied that that's what they should do.) Basically, anything that wasn't being played back then should not be played now.
I consider it one of my father's "quirks" if you will. It doesn't affect my relationship with him. I think that that's just how it is for some peope. I also love d'veykus and Carelbach most, because they are nostalgic to me, but I've also come to appreciate some later music (thanks to my teens) but some people are like my father, and that's how it is.
The emotional availability is a different topic really. And I've seen that in many marriages, the kids will talk more to one parent than another.

lamplighter

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:15 am

Careful that the disdain for your husband that comes across in your OP isn't coming across to your children in real life.
That is way more damaging than the whole music mishegas.

Last edited by lamplighter on Mon, May 06 2024, 10:37 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cerise

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:22 am

I don't think the shushing is ok. He doesn't need to learn their tune. He can sit and listen while they sing. And then follow up with his tune after, and the kids should try to sing along or listen respectfully. Everyone is used to "old folks" saying theirs is better. But it's good to encourage the kids with their new things too. At some point they will also be happy they know the oldesr stuff.

↑ Chayalle

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:27 am

OP I'm curious about what kind of conversation you have had with your DH about this privately. Have you discussed him taking the time to listen to their songs, etc...and how it might feel to them if they are shushed?

amother

Plum

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:35 am

Parents and children have been arguing about taste in music since time immemorial. Truth is, if the teens would give it a chance, they would find some gems in the older music, and if the parents would give it a chance, they'll find themselves bopping along to some of the newer stuff. Let them both have a chance to sing what they like, and encourage everyone to have an open mind and give the other type of a music a chance.

amother

↑ Cyan ↓

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:50 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes. And I'm sorry that your kids don't have much of a relationship. My kids talk to me a lot about their lives, questions, problems etc. They never go to DH. Even my big boys.

same. even my boys when of marriageable age.

amother

↑ Cyan

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:53 am

amother Papayawhip wrote:

There is nothing holy about Carlbach. And the image of the father shushing everyone at the table to sing a song to himself and giggle is not a pleasant one.

This isn’t about music. Not really.

agreed. the bigger problem is about the father ignoring his childrens interests and walking all over them by interrrupting them. my husband does the same Sad

it doesnt make the kids respect him for it unfortunately, it makes them feel hurt, misunderstood and they feel like their father doesnt care about their feelings.

amother

Melon

Mon, May 06 2024, 11:04 am

Is this a general issue or only when it comes to zemiros? My husband who is 50 also insists on singing the same zemiros to the same tunes that his father and grandfather sang going back to Belorussia who knows how long back. Nobody else uses those tunes. I've never heard them used outside of his family but I understand why my husband insists on them.

Obviously Carlebach is not an ancient tune used in the family for generations but it could be that he does have an emotional attachment to it having sang it while growing up. That isn't something to downplay

amother

Milk

Mon, May 06 2024, 11:07 am

amother Cyan wrote:

I dont thnk thats OPs main point. The main point is that her dh is disconnected from the childrens' feelings and interests. That is not a good recipe for a good father/child relationship. I know this firsthand because my husband is like this. and guess what? not one of our kids has much of a relatioship with him Sad

I could've written the exact same thing as you!! It bothers me so much!

naturalmom5

Mon, May 06 2024, 12:52 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

It’s odd that this is triggering you. No one things their parents are cool. Even if you learn their music they still don’t think you’re cool. No biggie.

Ditto. Your sharing his likes is fine if he isnt obnoxious about it

amother

Teal

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:34 pm

It would be nice for all to go out and take a peek at some of your kids when they go to EY and all they want to do Friday night is go to a Rebbe’s Tisch. Yes, teens and young adults from all backgrounds.

As an aside, Pesach after the Seder we walked our guests home in Brooklyn, it was so beautiful to hear people conducting the end of their Seder and each family was singing a different tune to the same song.

Let’s embrace our heritage and find a time and place to enjoy modern Jewish music. My kids love playing the latest hits and I have to control myself from cringing for most of it. Usually Erev Shabbos when I can’t get away from it, but Shabbos Seudos and the like are reserved for traditional Zemiros. Even my struggling young adult loves to sit by the Shabbos table and sing along with my husband even though she listens to Taylor Swift plus all week.

amother

Poppy

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:48 pm

You are lucky your husband at least likes music from the 90's. My husband prefers music from the 60s or before. When I play music I grew up on he hates it. But it's a sound sensitivity. More recent music tends to be more rocky and loud. I tell my kids it's a sensory thing and when he isn't around they can enjoy it.

DrMom

Mon, May 06 2024, 2:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have a house full of teenagers who love music. They are fans of the current "in" groups: Ishay Ribo, Matt Dubb, Yoni Z, Gad Elbaz, Chaim Israel, etc. (you probably get the point).

I grew up on Dveykus/Shloime Dachs/Carlebach etc and those are my preferences. However, I realize that my kids are living on a different planet than I did and that their taste in music is quite different than mine.

So I make a concerted effort to learn the songs they love. They listen a lot. We have a Naki Radio, 24six and zing. Someone is almost always listening to something and the kids enjoy hocking each other about it. They don't have so much to hock about in life so music seems to work. They love talking about different singers and styles and new songs, complimenting the cool ones and putting down the weird ones, etc.

All good with me. However, my husband doesn't get it. He is still living 30 years ago and can't seem to accept the new music reality. (I draw the line at Remixes; I hate them with a passion).

Often at our Shabbos seuda, the kids will be reminded of a song somehow and will start to sing it. I'll join in. DH kind of shushes everyone and then gives his rendition of the Carlebach tune/London School of Jewish Song etc (same words; different tune) from 40 years ago. He seems to find it amusing and giggles at himself.

...

So, all during the week, your kids are playing their music, and on Shabbat, your husband wants to sing just one Carlebach tune, and everybody gets bent out of shape?

I think your kids should let him sing a song or two -- and maybe even join in. Family members should support each other. I think they are being selfish.

Also, great tunes were written in the 1990s, in the 1960s, in the 1890s, etc. there is nothing wrong with exposing kids to older music styles.

joonabug

Mon, May 06 2024, 3:10 pm

I honestly dont think it is a big deal at all that he doesnt like their music. that itself should have no effect on his relationship with your kids, if they dont want to talk to him and open up is bc of somethng else, nothing to do w the music.

amother

Pink

Mon, May 06 2024, 4:03 pm

Alot of our songs on Pesach is from my grandfather from Poland, and while yes its out of tune wee sing it because it's family. I'm also into old music.

amother

Opal

Mon, May 06 2024, 5:37 pm

LOL! I grew up with MBD and Miami Boys Choir but my father sang songs from the Beetles.

amother

Winterberry

Mon, May 06 2024, 6:32 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Careful that the disdain for your husband that comes across in your OP isn't coming across to your children in real life.
That is way more damaging than the whole music mishegas.

What she said. Amazing how many posters are harping on this music stupidity. The worst chinuch for your kids is for you to look down on your dh for such stupidity. This is such new age nonsense. He is their father and it’s ok if he shushes their singing and wants to sing his own tunes. Back him up and demand his respect. This should be his biggest failing as a spouse and parent. Amen.

amother

Steelblue

Mon, May 06 2024, 6:52 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

Why can't she back both up. Demand respect for the dh wishes and support the kids to have an active role at the shabbos table.

The old music doesn't appeal to the kids. You don't want them viewing the shabbos table as a chore and bore. The shabbos table should be geared for the kids too, and not only for dh. The dh should sing his songs and OP should request that all the kids join in. Then once done, let the kids have their enjoyment too.

Is isn't an either or. There's room to make everyone happy - and the kids will come out better for it. Correction - the family will come out better for it.

amother

Rose

Tue, May 07 2024, 5:52 am

If this is just one symptom of a rigid attitude DH has towards the children and chinuch then it is a problem and you should be worried.
But if his hang up is music just let it go.

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