My husband thinks it's 1990...

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

OP ↓

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:01 am

I have a house full of teenagers who love music. They are fans of the current "in" groups: Ishay Ribo, Matt Dubb, Yoni Z, Gad Elbaz, Chaim Israel, etc. (you probably get the point).

I grew up on Dveykus/Shloime Dachs/Carlebach etc and those are my preferences. However, I realize that my kids are living on a different planet than I did and that their taste in music is quite different than mine.

So I make a concerted effort to learn the songs they love. They listen a lot. We have a Naki Radio, 24six and zing. Someone is almost always listening to something and the kids enjoy hocking each other about it. They don't have so much to hock about in life so music seems to work. They love talking about different singers and styles and new songs, complimenting the cool ones and putting down the weird ones, etc.

All good with me. However, my husband doesn't get it. He is still living 30 years ago and can't seem to accept the new music reality. (I draw the line at Remixes; I hate them with a passion).

Often at our Shabbos seuda, the kids will be reminded of a song somehow and will start to sing it. I'll join in. DH kind of shushes everyone and then gives his rendition of the Carlebach tune/London School of Jewish Song etc (same words; different tune) from 40 years ago. He seems to find it amusing and giggles at himself.

I get so annoyed when he does this. He is trying to show them how much nicer the music of many years ago was. They don't care and don't want to know. I've hinted to him that maybe he should learn more of the modern day songs but he gets defensive. He sees no problem with interrupting kids and ignoring their interests and culture.

I want my kids to respect their father but when he is clearly 40 years behind and doesn't care to change, it makes it hard for them.

Interestingly enough, DH's father was very emotionally unavailable to him and DH has always said he wants to be different. But when the kids are glowing as they sing Yonatan Razel's V'hi Sheamda and he stops them so he can hum the vintage V'hi Sheamda he is emotionally disconnecting from them just like his father used to do.

amother

Thistle

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:06 am

It’s odd that this is triggering you. No one things their parents are cool. Even if you learn their music they still don’t think you’re cool. No biggie.

amother

Cyan ↓

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:13 am

amother Thistle wrote:

It’s odd that this is triggering you. No one things their parents are cool. Even if you learn their music they still don’t think you’re cool. No biggie.

I dont thnk thats OPs main point. The main point is that her dh is disconnected from the childrens' feelings and interests. That is not a good recipe for a good father/child relationship. I know this firsthand because my husband is like this. and guess what? not one of our kids has much of a relatioship with him Sad

amother

↑ OP

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:17 am

amother Cyan wrote:

Yes. And I'm sorry that your kids don't have much of a relationship. My kids talk to me a lot about their lives, questions, problems etc. They never go to DH. Even my big boys.

amother

Molasses

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:18 am

I absolutely relate to you, OP.
DH and I make a concerted effort to try to stay somewhat current in terms of our kids interests (older teens through young adults, all living at home)
No, they don't think we are cool, but they definitely appreciate our efforts and that we can have a nice sing along at the shabbos table and discussions about other things they're interested in.

imaima

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:20 am

amother Thistle wrote:

It’s odd that this is triggering you. No one things their parents are cool. Even if you learn their music they still don’t think you’re cool. No biggie.

The husband should accept his kids choices though. It is still Jewish music!!! I can feel it is very unpleasant to be around him.
He does the opposite of chinuch

amother

Clover ↓

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:31 am

Just support your kids without putting down DH to them.

Privately remind him that hes sabatoging himself.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:32 am

Respect works both ways. Why can't you encourage your husband and boys to do both. They should Sing the traditional v'heshamdah out of respect for their father and then the kids different one while dad quiey listens. Just like everyone has different taste in food music is the same . I If a certain song bothers him don't sing it when he's around. Your children can learn some of the old fashion songs and sing it to their father if it makes him happy and then sing theirs. My husband has some songs he considers masorah, sung in Europe, I hate the tunes. It gives my husband joy singing it-passing it down to his children we all listen quietly. And are azed the song g survived the years.

amother

Violet

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:36 am

So my father would play and sing his old music when I was growing up and while I rolled my eyes at the time and thought my friends' parents who listened to current music were "cooler," now I don't think the exposure was a bad thing. My dad and I later bonded over the music we both liked and I certainly let him know when I didn't like it. I guess I'm not really sure why you're so bothered by it. It seems like a normal dad thing to be uncool.

amother

Orange

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:41 am

My father hated the "modern" music that we would sing, and he would only sing old chassidic tunes. But we still have an amazing relationship with him.

amother

↑ Clover

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:42 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

This really doesnt work for some teens. They may be quiet because you "forced" them but it wont strengthen the relationship. They will just be rolling their eyes and writing you off in their heads.

amother

cornflower

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:49 am

Lol op this is so typical, in every part of society.
In theory this one specific point shouldn’t have to make a difference in their relationship, it’s just music.

However it often goes deeper, Many parents find it difficult to respect their children’s generation, and instead disparage them. It’s a shame.

(It goes both ways, there’s so much discord for boomers and millennials in the general world… and vice versa…)

ShishKabob

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:52 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

This, thank you
There isn't only one way with these things. There's something to learning the old niggunim even if you prefer the other ones. I think it's great that dh is sticking to his tunes. He's entitled to sing the tunes he prefers as well, no?

amother

Trillium

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:04 am

This is really not a big deal from a parenting perspective. Please let it go. Accept that you have something unique to offer your kids and so does your dh.

amother

Ivory

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:10 am

My kids know I'm in the middle ages when it comes to music. But of course goldies are oldies and there's nothing wrong with singing them on Shabbos. And besides a few of the singers have put out tracks with the olden day songs and my kids find it shocking that I know all the words to them!
But durinng the week they blast they same stuff as your kids do.

amother

Jasmine

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:14 am

You are putting down DH for no reason. He is entitled to not enjoy what passes for music among some these days. He should not be putting them down but there are many many people who wouldn’t touch music like Matt dub that shares a lot of commonality with secular club music.

Music is holy. Your husband has that sensitivity. Your kids don’t. Both should be respected in the proper context. Their choices should not be put down but he does not have to sing off color music at the shabbos table. Let him encourage them to have a Ribo kumzitz together after the meal.

amother

Azure

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:30 am

My parents had years where during the Seder, we sang certain songs 3xs: the tune we used every year, the tune my grandfather a'h used, and the new tune some singers put out. My father spoke about how the Seder is all about mesorah, so it would be nice to include traditional tunes from Europe as well.

There's nothing wrong about sharing tunes so they shouldn't get lost.
There are certain tunes that are almost universally used in parts of tefillah that people say may be traced back thousands of years.
Maybe privately have a talk with your husband about letting your teens sing their version as well as his at the Shabbos table.

amother

Papayawhip

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:41 am

amother Jasmine wrote:

There is nothing holy about Carlbach. And the image of the father shushing everyone at the table to sing a song to himself and giggle is not a pleasant one.

This isn’t about music. Not really.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:54 am

amother OP wrote:

So dh waxes nostalgic over the music from his days, which is like comfort food for him. Thats great. But the kids also want to sing the tunes from THEIR day.
Can you remind your dh of how when he was a kid and he learned the new tunes, his parents, sang along and didnt force their music from the 60's (?) on him?
Can you tell the kids that one day they will be the father singing the Yishai Ribo etc songs and their kids will have new tunes, so lets agree to listen to Tatty sing one rendition of HIS tune, and then its the kids turn to sing their new rendition?

Remind dh that there are worse tunes his kids could be singing. And it would be weird if they were going around singing the songs of 40 years ago... Also tell him that his giggling to himself at the table is creepy....you get his music preferences but also appreciate the new tunes and would like to hear a blend, where everyone gets along - יפה פשרה מדין

giftedmom

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:11 am

Let it go. There are worse things in life than your father insisting on old tunes.
And when they’re all married it’s dh you’ll be stuck with. So maybe try respecting his preferences too instead of only your kids.

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