A bit sad... | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:59 am

Purim is always a very hectic day. I do, as a grandparent, remember it well! We always plan to go lots of places, but often miss out on a few stops- just too much traffic, too many kvetchy kids, too much to accomplish.... and still make it to a seudah.
All understood.
But this year- a few families ( a few of my married kids, who live under 15 min away) never made it to Bubby and Zaidy for shaloch manos. We did not share a seuda , so we simply did not have the distinct pleasure of sharing any part of Purim with those grandkids/families.
I gently noted their absence and was summarily told" sorry- we were just too busy..."
Call me crazy- but is that ok? This was one of those years that we did not get many shaloch manos visitors and we just sat here, waiting for the kids to come- and no, we do not ride around town, fighting traffic going to ppl- is it wrong to expect grandchildren to stop by on Purim???
Understand- my husband and I both work full time and we do spend Shabbosim with our kids- but this was painful...

amother

Puce

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:04 am

Is there a way to change it up next year? Do a breakfast for children and grandchildren or a party at night or even a meetup during the day? These are how my family gets together and sees each other.
We don't go to my in laws. They live an hour a way and I don't travel far on Purim.

We also didn't make it to some ppl we usually do. My baby is bh 2 weeks old and dh drove around for hours for kids teachers and friends. It is what it is....

amother

Lavender ↓

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:04 am

I’m sorry that’s hurtful. I’d try to be Dan lkaf zchus. Could it be something is going on you don’t know about? Maybe wife is pregnant and too nauseous to be driving while husband was drunk? Maybe one of their kids is having a hard time?

I didn’t make it to some people that I think I really should have. I am 3 weeks postpartum and DH fell asleep for 5 hours. Then he had to daven and learn and we only made it to our immediate neighbors and to our seudah.

amother

Bellflower ↓

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:12 am

I think it’s valid to be sad you didn’t get to see them, but it’s unfair to expect anyone to have done anything differently. Especially if they have young children, Purim can be an extremely tough and stressful day, with lots of running around involved and just not enough time in the day to make it to everyone.

I don’t think it’s wrong if someone can’t make it, just nice if they can. That should be the start and end of it. Once we get start getting upset at people for not killing themselves to make it happen, it just leads to bad feelings all around and unnecessary resentment.

I’m sure they would have loved to see you if it had worked out, I don’t think it means they don’t care enough about you, and while it would have been nice to have them stop by, it just didn’t happen this year and that should be okay.

freedomseek

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:18 am

I feel for you
It must be painful
I’m just thinking
Is it possible that your kids feel that you don’t want them?!
They might be thinking my parents didn’t put in the effort to create some kind of get together and they don’t generally want to see us on shabbosim…..
It might be hurtful to them
If the above isn’t true to your situation then please ignore
It was just my thought
Perhaps with some kind of show from your side that you want them it might change the situation

amother

Indigo

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:19 am

I would also be sad and disappointed in your case, I'm sorry.
We make it a priority to go give out mm to teachers and rebbeim, how much more so do we owe our parents a short visit on purim!!!
We have a chiyuv to be DLZ , maybe they really had a reason that they couldn't share...I know it's hard, try anyway!!
Maybe next purim let them know ahead of time that you are waiting for their visit!

patzer

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:23 am

amother Bellflower wrote:

I don't agree. Parents and grandparents who live locally should be your number-one priority. If you were to say that you were sick and couldn't leave the house, okay, life happens. But if you had time for "running around", well, you should run to your parents/grandparents first.
I, too, have many things to take care of on Purim, but paying a visit to my grandparents is number one on my list.

Highstrung

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:25 am

Have you ever tried to host a family party Purim night before all the craziness of Purim day? It’s very hard to squeeze it all in on Purim day. But when one set of grandparents lived 15 minutes away from most of the kids they made a night party. Nothing fancy . And not too long . Music and costumes and a pekel for the kids and that was enough . We got to have fun family time and then the next day we were busy running around .

fitmom

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:33 am

freedomseek wrote:

No, BH- not the case here at all. They always come!!!

amother

Calendula

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:33 am

I'm with you op, we go way farther than 15 minutes even though we have a bunch of kids & stops to make. Those who responded that they're weeks postpartum, of course that's different! I don't think op meant them.

Unfortunate reality is that sometimes if you don't offer something in return in the form of a meal, fun party for the kids etc they won't make you a priority. Wrong, but true. Would you consider hosting potluck next year? Later in the day is better for bust families.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:35 am

Could it be because of how you treat and talk about your DIL?

It could be she didn’t want to go because of how you hurt her and she told her husband that he and kids could go but there’s a limit to how much she can take and she’s not able to go.

It could be your son made a decision that it wouldn’t be right to take the kids to visit if his parents keep hurting his wife and his parents keep asking him if they can spend time with him and the kids specifically without his wife.

That’s why my kids didn’t visit one side this year. I wish my husband would have told his parents why we actually didn’t come but it is his parents and it’s up to him.

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:36 am

15 minutes away can be an hour away on Purim. It is hard to travel. I like that we have the meal at family. This way I know it’s our end destination. You should say everyone is invited for brunch or host something the night before. It makes it simpler and a destination. I doubt they meant to hurt you, but now that it happened plan differently for next year.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:09 am

I'm sorry that was like that. It makes sense how you feel.

On the bright side, it seems your kids feel that you are understanding and close enough to that you wouldn't mind being skipped if they were too stressed running.

I like some of the ideas above to be helpful and carve out that special time all in one.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:17 am

I’m sad for you. What a disappointment. As a child with parents who live - 5 minute drive away from her parents and sometimes my time management is not great- I will say the greatest gift you can give your kids is education in the nicest way. I think it is very important that today you reach out to them and tell them sincerely how you missed seeing the kids, Purim wasn’t the same… and then next year before Purim call them and say how much you are looking forward to seeing them and that you have a special something waiting for the kids. (It can be the smallest thing)
I get carried away sometimes and sometimes need a gentle nudge about what really matters.

amother

Steel

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:33 am

Theyvdefinatly should have come over. Or at least invited you to their seudas.
I didn't go to my parents or in laws. They both live near us. I definitely should have.
I was busy getting ready for the seuda.