So sad | Imamother

Golde ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 12:35 pm

I cried so much on YK this year. I wondered if the hostages knew it was YK. And all the horrors of the war really hit me. But yesterday it was especially the hostages. I'm not Israeli or in Israel. But I struggle so much with Hashem letting all this happen and I got so scared on YK and didn't know what to make of it all. It happened a lot during the day but halfway through neilah my eyes just started running and I didn't manage to stop sobbing and at the end at the last kaddish I just thought why am I here and why did Hashem forgive me if he did and what about all those that couldn't ask mechila. And then they started singing Leshana haba birushalayim and that made me cry so hard I couldn't stop for havdalah or even most of maariv. And all this happened in shul so I tried to hide it a bit because I got embarrassed from breaking down so hard but it all really is so horrible and I'm struggling so much with my thoughts.
I don't know why I'm writing this post but maybe to hear I'm not alone in feeling this. Did anyone else feel similar? How do you all deal with it?

amother

Daisy ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 12:50 pm

I felt impossible of davening for myself. the situation in Israel is so huge and overwhelming and we need mashiach so badly, that's basically all I had in mind.
I'm with you, OP.
May Hashem hear and accept our tefillos TODAY!!

↑ Golde ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 12:58 pm

amother Daisy wrote:

Yes, this. Thank you for writing that and amein.

sushilover

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 1:44 pm

I usually don't connect to the parts of davening that are for captives. How is that relevant in today's world? How sad that it is relevant this year. How sad that it was so relevant throughout history that it had to be put into the standard Jewish prayers.

I cried so much for them.

↑ Golde

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 1:53 pm

sushilover wrote:

Yes, can you believe we actually have prayers for this? I feel like the world is collapsing but really it is just another cycle in Jewish history.

amother

↑ Daisy

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:41 pm

sushilover wrote:

and the avinu malkeinus about those killed and slaughter al kiddush hashem... and those burned.... those hit so hard this year.
I was really sad we couldnt say avinu malkeinu by every tefilla this YK.

amother

Nemesia

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 9:04 pm

I struggle with the Tehillim and tefillot that praise Hashem for his salvation and mercy. Since Oct. 7 there's always a snide little voice in my head saying "what kind of mercy, what kind of triumph, what kind of salvation?" Even during the Yom Kippur war, when I had immediate family in combat, I didn't feel that way.

Never before connected so much to Avinu Malkenu as I did this year, though. And all the rescue-me-from-my-distress Tehillim. Those feel spot on. The joyful ones just seem inappropriate when you're saying them on behalf of hostages. I tell myself that reciting them now is an advance deposit, kind of like saying TIA so the addressee has to respond positively. If we say 'Thanks for setting them free" often enough, maybe the KBH will feel "obligated" to do so. (But then what of the ones who were murdered, HYD?)

amother

Beige

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 9:19 pm

When we got up to Eileh Ezkerah, I just cried. I couldn't say the words. I couldn't even read them with my eyes. I cried the entire time, for the hostages, for those who have died and who have been left behind, to those dealing with the torture and those who succumbed to it, and for being Jews. Just like the asarah harugei malchus, and so many in between. And where the kohein gadol davened that people who lived in a certain area, their homes shouldn't be their graves....

I don't think I did much real vidui this year. But it is the most sincerely I have ever asked for salvation for our people. I told Hashem I'm trying to be a better person, but I would really like Him to focus on all the amazing things klal Yisrael has done this past year when He sets up the coming one.

amother

↑ Seablue

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 10:39 pm

Golde wrote:

Yes, can you believe we actually have prayers for this? I feel like the world is collapsing but really it is just another cycle in Jewish history.

Please please don't say that. This has to be the final stretch. I can't bare this much longer. No more cycles.

ImmaBubby

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 11:12 pm

I found great chizuk in saying the words of Yaaleh V’yavo slowly. It somehow hit everything I was davening for. I was also crying like crazy while saying it.
But it was so powerful- I’m excited for saying it for a whole week.