I have anorexia AMA

amother

↑ Gladiolus

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 8:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yep! A safe food is one that I will gravitate towards over the choice of another. You can see people with eating disorders gravitate towards their same favorite safe foods over because it is easier then having to make desisions each time. So many options of food to choose from and people must get calories from something of course! Some people with eating disorders might feel that no foods are safe at all, prefer liquids etc.

Lettuce is safe because I like it, like the taste of it, can weigh it out and count the calories and therefore choose to eat it over and over. Chocolate is safe because I like it, like the taste of it, can count the calories of it easily and therefore choose to eat it over and over when I want a treat, but not the babka from the bakery with no nutritional label. If I feel like I can have 500 calories of choclate and the chocolate is 500 calories it is safe, but not if it is 505, I will have that hesitation even though a difference of 5 calories is negligible and not logical. Every time I go to the store I will buy the same type of chocolate over having to make the dessision over another one. It is easier to not buy any chocolate then choose a new safe one if the store is out.

Chocolate might not be safe to someone else because knowing it has exactly 500 calories causes mental hessitation in eating, but that hesitation is not there for the babka which has calories that are unknown. So then the chocolate babka is safe but not if your husband brings home the cinnanmon one from the bakery, because all day you planned for a slice of chocolate babka and now that cant happen bringing hesitation for the new option. Maybe depending on the day, circumstances etc, this person would eat the babka and overcome the ed thoughts, or choose to avoid it as a "fear" and not have any at all.

Interesting! So safe are the ones you can easily rely on the amount of calories for example.

Are you very limited on the list of safe foods?

What if you go to someone's party and they insist you have something that's not on your list?

amother

Iris ↓

Mon, Jan 01 2024, 10:43 pm

I'm sorry if this is too personal- please ignore if it is.
I'm happy for you that you are married and have step kids. Is the reason you went this route (marrying someone with kids already) because you stopped getting your period at a young age/before marriage and knew you wouldnt be able to have children of your own?
Did you get married late because of your anorexia being obvious? Did your husband know this about you before you met him? If not, did he find out before engagement and marriage? Was he ok with it?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 4:52 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

I am very limited in my safe foods but other people with anorexia may not be. With anything in life the more you push yourself the easier it gets and the less you push yourself the harder it gets. This is the area where I struggle the most and I will flat out refuse even though it is bad manners and very cold. This is the way I have been for so many years and is where it is the most hard for me to push myself. Some people with anorexia can have the opposite experiance and will only eat around others and try new things constantly to keep up the appearance that everything is okay even when it it so so hard for them.

amother

Carnation

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 5:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

This thing with safe foods - I have that as well, but as a result of dieting. I am overweight, started 3 months ago with a bmi of 33, now I'm down to 29 which is still overweight of course, but I keep going, strictly counting calories. I've developed a pattern of eating mainly things of which I know the caloric value and which I can weigh or measure. If dh suddenly cooks something or food from some other source, at work etc. turns up and I can't estimate the calories, I mostly won't eat it. Is that disordered thinking already? I wonder.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 5:06 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I don't know if this belongs here. I was on the verge of anorexia as a teenager. Never actually diagnosed, but was almost there. I have gotten out of it, not sure how. I often feel like I have to be anorexic now, so I can cure the trigger. Banging head

. I'm a mother of little kids, nursing, and want more kids so I am leveled enough to not ruin my body, but I NEED to be anorexic. I'm crazy with this. Never told anyone.

Same.
Never managed to get my weight as low as I wanted… also I’m a mother of littles and nursing

Don’t know if it helps you at all, but I’m in the exact same boat

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 5:21 pm

amother Iris wrote:

I feel that because of therapy and exposure to others like me I grew up with a very secular mindset towards getting married and having kids which is why I got married late. I never would have expected to make the connection with my husband because my anorexia is obvious and I know I have baggage. I was not dating at the time we met and having a family was something I had thought would never happen. I was career focused and never went through putting myself out there because of my pains with all of this. Hashem had other plans and it was beshert. During dating we had everything on the table my anorexia and his aspbergers and that he was divorced with two kids. He is very understanding of everything and our communication is amazing when I can be direct but our shalom bayis has challanges because it is hard for me to be candid with the people I love because I am a protector of myself and others.

I never chose to go through fertility treatments for the same reasons I never actively chose to start dating. I have a fear of rejection and putting my soul into something. This was also discussed when dating though I disguised my fear as not feeling capable to be strong and healthy for a pregnancy instead of the mental side. I am a mother but I admit that I am a selfish one for not even trying to have kids of my own blood.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 5:43 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

It is not disordered to have a preference for certain foods and some people prefer soup noodles for lunch over pizza the store which is fine. But since this is about your mental mindset and not a preference yes it is disordered thinking, espessially because of the fear over the other option and picking or avoiding it as a result. It is not unhealthy to diet or want to lose weight but your goals should also be in alignment with your mental health. When should you start working on this? Now. Do not think that you will lose x bmi points and magically wake up one morning with these fears gone. Without working through these things now you will be stuck with disordered eating later still, just a smaller body. Is that your goal? Or are you trying to diet and have good health long term. I am sure that reaching out is challanging and there is no easy answer. I am just putting the information out there and saying in my unprofessional opinion you clearly have disordered eating which will not go away by magic.

A non disordered dieter would say it is time to eat, this is the food available now, I dont know the calories but I know what a sensible portion is. I am capable to eat to give myself energy to the next meal. If you struggle with this idea it is a huge red flag.

amother

↑ Iris

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 7:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow , it’s fascinating to see this mindset from the outside and I can now be more understanding and empathetic to those around me with ED. I’m sure you’re an amazing mother to your step kids and may you have a lot of nachas from them. And more importantly , I hope you stay healthy- I don’t know how old you are but it’s never too late . I know you manage to keep yourself out of the hospital etc but I believe it’s not too late to get proper help and live a beautiful life for here on out

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 5:41 pm

amother Iris wrote:

Thank you so much for caring. Also thank you for taking the time to compassionately learn and work on your empathy. I know that if you have someone in your life with an ed we can be extremly aggrevating and frusterating. I can understand that it is hard to "get us". It is so normal for you feel agrevation and so much more.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 04 2024, 5:55 pm

Rappel wrote:

How do you promote good nourishment (vitamins, minerals)?

I have a lot nutritional knowledge, some of it I apply and some of it I do not. The biggest part for nourishment is calories and staying in a routine helps me make sure I am comfortable eating enough. I do not have a varried or balanced diet. My safe foods repeat to no end. For these reasons I take a multi vitamin and I also need to supplement calcium and vitamin d because I have osteoperosis. I use protein powder because I like the taste of it in some foods but I do not actually need it for protein defficiancy. Some people with eating disorders rely on supplement drinks I do not like these at all because it feels like wasting my calories and I would rather eat my food. I struggle with eating enough fat sources the most which is a detriment to nutriant absobtion of fat soluable vitamins.

amother

↑ Blushpink ↓

Mon, Jan 22 2024, 12:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

Anyone else with questions?

I’m so happy you came back on here. I somehow didn’t notice that you answered my question back on a previous page. Would you share with me which medication you take for your osteoporosis?
Did it make you gain weight? I am neglecting my own because I’ve read so many negative stuff abt meds online and am so scared.
Or maybe we can discuss it over email?
My biggest fear from dying is leaving my children as orphans. Death alone doesn’t scare me so much as this way of life, day after day, is already a form of dying.