She's refusing to pee on toilet

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 4:40 pm

She's 2.75 and she totally understands

She's holding it in and holding it in. I put her on every half hour or so but nothing coming out

A few times she started peeing in her underwear, only a drop cake on the floor and she started crying

I quickly put her on toilet and she's crying that she doesn't "know how" to make and "it's not working"

I think she's just scared to let go for some reason
Any ideas?
Sorry TMI

amother

SandyBrown ↓

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 5:00 pm

I really hope you get some good responses. Mine is 3.5 and we finally tried training her because although she understands and can physically do it, she is an anxious kid and has struggled with really bad constipation in the past. We finally got the constipation under control, waited a while to make sure she wouldn't regress, and then tried. She was excited about it, happy to sit on the toilet again and again, but just kept on holding it in. She would say "I need to pee!" and run to the toilet...and then do nothing. At some point she was so desperate to go that she was literally hyperventilating on the toilet and crying: "I want a diaper! I can't do it!" We gave in, poor kid, you could tell she was terrified.

We gave it a couple of weeks and are now going to start telling a social story, doing some play therapy (me and dh, not a professional at this point), which helped with other anxiety-based issues she's had in the past. But I'm very very open to other ideas...

amother

NeonYellow

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 5:46 pm

I would put her on the potty and have her sit there while you read stories, color pictures….. basically hang out on the potty. She will go eventually.
After she pees, take her off the toilet for like 2 hours. No need to sit there after she just went.
You indicated she can tell when she needs to pee. By the time she pees 3 times she will be fine. Once she gets over the fear, toilet training will be easy. I don’t know if you have other kids, but she will need your undivided attention for this.

FYI, my oldest was deathly afraid of the toilet. I don’t know if she was worried that she was gonna fallen, a monster was going to come out and eat her, or what. 20 years later, she has survived and is in Shidduchim.

I also am old and old school. I have no issues with bribing with a sticker chart or chocolate chips. (But then again, I used bumpers in my crib and had a drop-down side, do maybe I am a terrible parent and my advice is obsolete)

amother

Trillium ↓

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 6:46 pm

My toilet training method with all my kids is, I just put them on underwear & tell them that pee & poop in the toilet. That's it. I don't sit them on the toilet or keep asking them if they need to go. On day 1, it's usually only accidents, day 2 some accidents some in the toilet, by day 3 mostly in the toilet, by day 4, all my kids were fully trained. With no pressure from me, they got it on their own.

amother

↑ SandyBrown

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 5:20 am

This is my fifth kid. Thanks, but I really think I need advice from pp whose kids had majoranxiety about it.

I don't know about OP, though, maybe this would help her.

amother

Steel

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 5:36 am

Did you try a potty? My anxious kids did much better on a potty than a toilet. If you must use a toilet, get a tall stool so they can rest their feet. It's not a good feeling to be hanging there so high up without any security, feeling like you're either about to fall in the toilet or onto the floor.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 5:49 am

Sounds like she can't relax. She's young though imo, I wouldn't stress.

Ina May talks about 'Sphincter Law.' We have to be where we feel safe and comfortable in order to pee and poop and give birth. (Otherwise drugs can be needed.) I think it's because these are times when we are vulnerable.

Also there's a thing that small children feel ownership over their waste products and it's hard to let go.

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Sun, Nov 26 2023, 6:06 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lime

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 5:53 am

Following.
My kid is 3 already. If I put him in undies, he just holds it in. He is happy to sit on toilet but won't do anything on it. Last week he wore undies from 10 am til 5 pm. I put him on toilet every 30 min. By 6 he begged for a diaper and let it all out

amother

↑ Trillium

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 6:02 am

amother Lime wrote:

Take a break for a couple of weeks, & then try putting him on underwear without putting him on the toilet at all.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:26 am

Still no luck today. She sitting every half hour or so and then going off.
How to get her to let go.
She looks very comfortable on toilet doesn't seem scared at all

amother

Thistle ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:33 am

Did you try turning on the water?
Better yet, if you can get a potty, put it in the tub, turn on the water and fill it up a tiny bit so her toes get a bit wet.

amother

↑ Thistle ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:43 am

amother Thistle wrote:

Did you try turning on the water?
Better yet, if you can get a potty, put it in the tub, turn on the water and fill it up a tiny bit so her toes get a bit wet.

I also found that massaging/rubbing the lower back helps kid relax the muscles.

amother

Peony

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 10:48 am

My current 3 year old didn't understand that all the urine had to come out and would only let a small amount. After a while it was painful. With enough bribes when she got it all out she started to get it. It took 3 days. She was terrified of #2 for over a month...we trained before 3 because she was ready.

Brit in Israel

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 1:13 pm

Make sure she is drinking alot!!!
juice, straws, different cups it helps them need to go, harder to hold and they have to go more often in the first 2 days so they overcome the fear faster.
She has to be relaxed so a potty or different leg stool might be easier.
touching the lower back directly (not through clothes) releases the holding muscles. a small treat straight away helps even if its only 2 drops, for them its an accomplishment.
most important, dont show any fustration.

amother

Gardenia

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 1:39 pm

Our dd refused to be toilet trained well over 3 years old. Here is what we did.

Don't put her in a diaper or underwear or anything on bottom. We had a long weekend where we just let dd (over 3) go around uncovered on bottom. It made a huge difference than when we tried with underwear. And we didn't sit her on the toilet. We used potties. We didn't sit her on them either at all. We just took all the clothes off from her bottom half, showed her where the potty was, promised a chocolate chip if she made in the potty, and went about our regular activities. At first she made on the floor and got upset, so I brought her over to the potty as a reminder and calmed her down. The next time she got it herself. By the end of the day, she was toilet trained.

amother

Babypink

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 6:50 am

amother OP wrote:

Still no luck today. She sitting every half hour or so and then going off.
How to get her to let go.
She looks very comfortable on toilet doesn't seem scared at all

Having the same issue.
She can sit comfortably on the toilet coloring or whatever and not let anything go for 40 min!
I kept her in underwear and she stayed dry until bedtime when I put on a diaper for bed.
She has the control she just doesn't seem to know how to let go.
I tried blowing with her, massaging her back, running water and nothing doing.
Would love any tips! I think I just need to get her to pee in the toilet once so she understands what she needs to do!
The funny thing is a few days ago I let her go bare bottomed and she kept peeing on the floor. Now that she has underwear she is keeping it dry...

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 4:29 pm

Gave up in December and trying again now. Still same issue. She can't seem to let go and do it in toilet idk what to do!
Can't keep pushing this off anymore she already 3!