She won't be traumatized, right? UPDATE

smss

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 7:16 am

Wow so many opinions on this thread. Honestly I did not read through all the pages.

From what you wrote in your post, and from the fact that you posted, it seems like there's something about this that makes you uneasy. You said at one point that you anticipate crying the whole way there. I think that's all the information you need... you don't feel comfortable with this, so it doesn't really matter how other people would feel.

Can you and DH sit down together and talk about what you want to get out of this trip and then brainstorm alllllll possible ways of going about it and see what you come up with?

amother

Fern

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 7:16 am

I think a lot depends on the relationship between the baby and who they'll be staying with.

If they see each other very often, and baby has been watched by them for a few hours at a time here and there and seems happy, I'd say it's safe to go. If there hasn't been much exposure and this will be the first time baby is left with them, I'd be more cautious.

amother

↑ Amaranthus

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 7:22 am

amother Blush wrote:

OP wants to be calmed down and told that her baby won't be traumatized.
She won't!!! No baby ever remembers that her parents left her for a few nights, I promise!

You cannot promise this because there's absolutely no way to know.
Yes, OP wants to hear that her baby will be ok. But absolutely no one can know that, let alone promise with such certainty, that her baby will be ok and unaffected. We can't know, which it's why it's best to err to the side of caution.

amother

↑ Peach ↓

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 7:31 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

It's absolutely not "neurotic" to be against leaving a baby with strangers in an unfamiliar home. That's common sense. Not neurotic. A 6 month old is an infant. We can't just do as we please with them.

Sorry, it kind of is neurotic. Do you also not send babies to a babysitter because "not leaving a baby with strangers is common sense"?

Here's from an excerpt of an article about separation anxiety:

Quote:

Babies adapt pretty well to other caregivers. Parents probably feel more anxiety about being separated than infants do! As long as their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust easily to other people.

Between 4–7 months of age, babies develop a sense of "object permanence." They're realizing that things and people exist even when they're out of sight. Babies learn that when they can't see their caregiver, that means they've gone away. They don't understand the concept of time, so they don't know that this person will come back, and can become upset by their absence. For example, whether the caregiver is in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to the baby, who might cry until mom is nearby again.

Source: https://kidshealth.org

So OP's baby is right at that borderline stage. It might be a problem if she's a more precocious baby, and it might be a total non-issue.

And even if it is an issue, she won't be traumatized for life if her grandparents are loving and competent.

ETA: because babies don't understand the concept of time, it seems to me that it wouldn't make a difference to the baby if they are left with strangers for a few hours (I.e. a babysitter) or a few days. So if any trauma happens, it happens right away, regardless of how long baby is left for.

amother

↑ Stone

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 7:32 am

amother Peach wrote:

This is ridiculous. How do you know the trauma you are suffering from was from being left behind as a baby and not from anything else?

My husband has expressed to me in the past that he feels bad that his parents left him when he was 10 months old to go to Israel for a week or two. But guess what - his parents were not good parents in general. One was verbally abusive the other was emotionally absent, they showed mostly conditional love, and they were joyless helicopter parents who sucked all the fun out of life.

His traumas affect our life together in a big way, but they're from much bigger issues than the fact that when he was 10 months old he want to his grandmother for a bit without his parents (and honestly, she wasn't the greatest grandma either.)

If OP is a normal, loving parent with normal attachment with her baby, and the baby's grandparents are loving and competent and able to keep up with a baby's needs, there will probably be no lasting ill effects.

Btw, I just left my (much older) kids for a week on what many people would consider an unnecessary trip. Yes, I cried the whole flight there. And I couldn't stop smiling on the flight back home because I was so excited to see them. But in between I really enjoyed myself, and my kids mostly enjoyed themselves at their close relative's home.

We did a lot of emotional prepping beforehand, and OP this is something you can do with your baby too. It will make both of you feel better about the separation. Also make sure she has all her familiar things with her, and also something that smells like you to keep near her.

You'll both do fine and you'll use this vacation to come back a better, more refreshed mom.

So with all the years of poor parenting, your dh still felt it important enough to mention that he feels bad that his parents left him when he was 10 month old. this is informative....

amother

↑ Peach

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 7:39 am

amother Stone wrote:

So with all the years of poor parenting, your dh still felt it important enough to mention that he feels bad that his parents left him when he was 10 month old. this is informative....

He mentioned it like twice in 15 years.

And it's not like he remembers it - he was 10 months old for crying out loud. His parents told him they did that, and maybe it was more the *way* they said it that he remembers.

I was just making the point that there are so many other events that kids process as trauma — there is absolutely no way to pinpoint ONE thing (that is a totally normal, safe thing to do) as THE thing that caused it.

amother

Mint

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 8:24 am

amother Blush wrote:

OP wants to be calmed down and told that her baby won't be traumatized.
She won't!!! No baby ever remembers that her parents left her for a few nights, I promise!

You're right on the conscious part. Listen to this: 'Consciously' they won't remember, but the 'subconscious' does!! And FYI, your subconscious controls 97% of everything you do, think, feel, and have 24/7. The other 3% of what you do, think, feel, and have is controlled by your conscious mind.
So whoever on here is 'promising' OP that her baby won't remember or won't be traumatized...your making those promises out of ignorance.

amother

Mimosa ↓

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 9:31 am

In my opinion it depends what’s at stake.
If it’s a very important trip for shalom bayis or for something else extremely unavoidable.
But just plain to enjoy I wouldn’t do it.

My mother rarely left us when we were growing up and I’m so grateful to her for that.

If there’s no choice then there’s no choice… but I wouldn’t do it for a minor reason.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 11:15 am

amother Peach wrote:

ETA: because babies don't understand the concept of time, it seems to me that it wouldn't make a difference to the baby if they are left with strangers for a few hours (I.e. a babysitter) or a few days. So if any trauma happens, it happens right away, regardless of how long baby is left for.

Then nobody can leave baby by babysitter.

DustyDiamonds ↓

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 3:20 pm

OMG! The baby will be with loving grandparents!

I wouldn’t leave my kids with my parents, but they’re highly mentally ill.

Honestly, when the baby is teething, it’s traumatizing… all this time everyone was trying to make her as comfortable as possible, and now this pain is following her around 24/7 for a while!

The beginning of any transition will be traumatizing.

Would you suggest that nobody should ever move to a new home with a baby? The strange new room around her crib could be very frightening!

To me, the real question is whether your parents have the physical stamina and emotional healthiness to care for her in a calm and happy manner.

My mother would mutter “ugh, she needs a new diaper, she stinks” or “ugh, what did you drop that banana for? Wait till I finish my coffee and cake,, then I’ll bend down under the high chair to get it”.

Overall attitude and heartfelt love will go FAR MORE than constant familiarity to breed an emotionally healthy child!

The grandparents hopefully will have many years to come, continuing to build this connection, and have an essential part in her life; they love her! I would rather leave my baby with not-very-familiar grandparents who are happy and calm, than a familiar babysitter— there’s no love quite like biological love!!!!

↑ DustyDiamonds

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 3:41 pm

ETA: some of you sound like you wish you could prolong your pregnancies for decades, to spare your baby the trauma of birth.

Obviously HaShem didn’t make that an option, but if He did, wow, would we have vocal posters exclaiming “How selfish of you to choose to birth your baby! Can you imagine the trauma of leaving the only place she’s ever known, a warm, dark, liquid environment, for a bright, dry, place that has lots of challenges and pain ahead”!!!!!

I’m no expert, but I’ve read a lot about trauma in my healing journey.

Change by itself is not traumatic to a child.

Change that is not accompanied by an attuned, loving, caregiver, can potentially be traumatic.

I hope that all of you screaming trauma about a baby staying with loving GRANDPARENTS, never raise your voice or talk in an impatient tone of voice.

Do you know what kind of trauma that can do to a child? She thinks: My mother is my rock, my source of life, and now she’s flying off the handle, the universe must be imploding….

Yellowkiwi

Sat, Jul 08 2023, 10:10 pm

No, she wont be traumatized!

First of all, anonymous strangers on the internet said so and they KNOW.

Secondly, there is a definite catalogue of traumatizing events and being left for a week by mother and father isn’t in the catalogue, so you go girl.

Thirdly, your choice of words isn’t indicating that you DO fear it will leave your daughter distressed and maybe even traumatized but why should a mother listen to her intuition?

Fourthly, hello? Since when is it not ok to risk your baby’s emotional well-being for a vacay?

Fively, a baby has a concept of time, so if you tell her “it’s for a week” she”ll be chill.

Sixly, if you get her used to your parents home she will be trauma-safe, because we don’t experience emotional pain in a known location. Who ever suffers in a house he knows, hello??

Sevenly, if you already outsourced your baby to the bottle and a sitter, then you can definitely outsource the baby itself to your parents and your decision making as a mother to a forum.

Eightly, why would parents take their baby with then on a vacation? It’s not like it's their child or something! We also take vacations from work and parenting is work, so here you go!

I could go on, but it’s definitely totally ok and everybody who says differently is just be sooo dramatic!

Yes, risk your babies well-being and let her have either short term distress or long term trust issues for those pina coladas!

↑ essie14 ↓

Sat, Jul 08 2023, 11:21 pm

Yellowkiwi wrote:

Wow, you joined 2 years ago and this is your first post....
I'm sure you had a hard time thinking about how to say how you really feel in a nice way.