Father of bride not invited to her sheva brochos

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 9:09 pm

I hear you OP.
To everyone else, if the ex cheated on the wife and the kids also know this, why does he deserve to be invited? He willingly chose to destroy his family and now needs to live with the consequences. How are the parents of the wife supposed to invite a man that ruined their daughter and grandchildren’s lives?
I don’t know OPs situation but we have this situation in our family, it’s heartbreaking.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 9:12 pm

First question I'd ask is does the kallahs father even want to be there for Shabbos. Probably not, and there's plenty of other nights for him to attend or be can make his own Sheva brachos. That's what my father did. He had no interest in spending Shabbos with his ex, her new husband in their community so he made the 2nd Sheva brachos with his family (brother, sister, and their families and all my siblings who were still in town) and no one blinked an eye lash. It made sense.

↑ WhatFor ↓

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 11:25 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

I would say that if it's the daughter's sb, ultimately it's about what the daughter deserves not what the ex deserves. A sb should be about the newly married couple. If you can't host an event for them in a way that gives them simcha (even if for totally understandable reasons, like you cannot exist with this horrible person in your house) then maybe you're not the best candidate to host. Maybe you can sponsor someone else to host. Maybe you can sponsor a restaurant sb so this person isn't in your house and it's less personal. Children often still want a relationship with their father, even if they were horrible to their mother. And it's totally understandable. A parent is a parent.

All that said, maybe this varies in different circles, but for me it wouldn't be crazy if parents don't attend every single sb. For instance, I've seen a "friends" sb and parents don't attend that one. Is DD's father even able to attend all of the sbs? Would he even want to go to ils? Does dd really want him there or does she think he'd be offended if not invited so she feels like he needs to be invited to avoid drama? Also is this Shabbos sb or just a weekday one?

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 11:47 pm

Cheiny wrote:

So how would it feel if the ex husband’s parents make a SB and don’t invite kallah’s Mom? You’re good with that?

Perfect Solution!!

BTW I would venture a guess that the ex wife/ Kallahs Mom would be just fine with that.
I will let you in on a secret:
Some divorces didnt end amicably. Some ex'es didnt get closure to the extent that they can "get along for the sake of the kids". Its easy to tell someone to just fake it. Not everyone can. We arent perfect.
Some ex'es behaved poorly (sometimes its the wife and sometimes the husband) even after the divorce and emotional abuse continues even after the divorce.

The child can have a great relationship with each parent but not together.

Every divorce situation has its own circumstances. Why one rule for all??

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 12:27 am

The grandparents here are the hosts. They should control the guest list.

Why on earth would the grandparents want to see the man who made their daughter's life miserable more than they have to?

It's not like it's the wedding, a once-in-a-lifetime emotional opportunity.

It's a sheva brochos. A fancy meal that is actually optional, not mandatory, but our community seems to get carried away with the idea that they must happen no matter what. And seven, no less!

It's just a sheva brochos. The young couple can visit XDH whenever they want.

amother

Gray ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:37 am

I'm really surprised that so many people think the kallah's father needs to be at every sheva brachos.

My parents are divorced, and my mother wasn't at the sheva brachos my father's side made, and vice versa.

I think it would be really weird if one of my parents was at the other side's sheva brachos, and I never imagined anyone doing this differently. It sounds so awkward!

Are we talking about Shabbos Sheva Brachos? That's a little bit different.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:53 am

amother Gray wrote:

Same. My grandparents can't stand my father and would never have invited him to sheva brachos.
My father was at the SB that his side made.
My parents could barely tolerate each other at my wedding. I didn't need them at every SB together.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 6:00 am

Mazel tov, OP! Yes, I believe you should say something, as long as he's unlikely to make a scene at the event.

How close is DD to her grandparents? It would also be helpful for her to call them and tell them that it's important to her that her father be invited.

In general, a person would assume there's some reason the grandparents made this choice -- which may be look to an outsider to be valid (he has a diagnosis, and has a history of causing trouble at events like this), or may look to be ridiculous (it's the mother has a diagnosis, and has whined and complained to her parents about tiny things -- and despite the father bending over backwards to try to maintain a connection, the parents have decided to snub him). If he doesn't live nearby, and would have to travel to attend, it's possible the hosts just didn't think he'd want an invitation.

No, it's not a given in every community that an ex would be invited; especially if there has been a history. Which doesn't necessarily make it right.

Let's imagine the reverse -- that ex's parents made a sheva brochos, and didn't invite an OP. What would our reaction be in that situation?

amother

Denim

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:24 am

I'm firmly in the camp that says exes don't belong at the other sides' sheva brachot.
For goodness' sake there are seven of them.
A divorce usually means, at least in my case though not always, that horrendous things occurred. And they can't be undone. It has nothing to do with how much we love our child.
The Mom's side can make one and the Dad's side can make one and the parents of the other newlywed can make one.
I was not invited to ex's and he was not invited to mine.
However we were both invited to the parents' of the other side's sheva brachot and we managed by avoiding each other except for a quick mazel tov. I would never tell anyone else what to do.

PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:26 am

coloredleaves wrote:

Yes/ it's her sheva brachos. Tell them you appreciate they are making it, and of course you understand their difficulty being around your c husband, but that being said you are asking if they could do a chessed and invite him wnatwant- mostly bc your daughter prefers it, and also because it's a time to promote Shalom. Say it would mean so much to you and to your daughter and u don't wnat her to feel hurt at her special time. And if u need more- the gesture iyH will be a zchos for her and your family.

This is a good script. No ultimatums.

↑ PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:27 am

NechaMom wrote:

The kallah’s biological father belongs by all sheva brachos if she so wishes.
Yes. Tell your parents that your DD wants him there and they should keep the peace. They’re doing a beautiful thing by making a sheva brachos, let them do it right. The whole point is to make the kallah happy.

Unless there's some reason he don't know. Sometimes it's enough that he made it to the chasuna.
But the vibes I'm picking up are that he should be ok there. And on the off chance he's not, this is an opportunity for the machutanim to see just how classy the (rest of the) family is.

↑ PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:31 am

ShishKabob wrote:

If this wasn’t an amicable divorce, I understand the grandparents. Idk if it makes it right, but I get it.

Sure I get the grandparents. And they should be validated: this is your corner of the simcha and you want it just so. But it would mean so much if he was there, can we make it work.

The thing is, even if it wasn't amicable, it's over and everyone's figured things out so unless he has some serious issues that will make this awkward or worse, it would make the kallah happy if he were there.

(Edited to correct formatting error.)

Last edited by PinkFridge on Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:34 am; edited 1 time in total

chestnut ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:32 am

seeker wrote:

Strongly disagree, I'm all for letting kids work out their own issues but getting married is such a fraught time and this is nonsense DD should not have to stress over. Mom should go ahead and have the difficult conversations, asking DD's input only as needed (e.g. would she rather just not have the sb if the family isn't inviting dad)

I think the grandparents will value the kallah's opinion more than their daughter's in this.

↑ PinkFridge ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:33 am

amother Gray wrote:

This.

↑ Highstrung ↓

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:38 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Whoever is paying gets to decide who’s invited!
They making the party they get to make the list of invited guests.

True. But as a grandparent you would think they are hosting the Simcha for their grandchild. Instead they are making it about them and their own feelings and grievances and totally not taking into account the feelings of the kallah.
I was mostly estranged from my father by the time I got married . But , it was a once in a lifetime event that I wanted him to be a part of . If someone stopped me from having him participate it would have taken away from my Simcha. I would have felt awful and it would have only been a horrible way to start my first week of marriage . Adults don’t realize that children of divorce want their parents in their life and especially milestones . It doesn’t matter what terrible horrible things this father did. If this is what the kallah wants , please be mesameach the kallah and stop being selfish and disrespectful.