Does your husband potch?

Chayalle ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 9:16 am

No DH doesn't hit. But there are other areas where we have differences in our parenting approach. And not even in a consistent sort of way - there are areas DH is more strict and areas he's more lenient, and same for me, I have my areas.

I think unless an approach is severe and damaging, my feeling is that kids get a balance. Some of me and some of DH. I try not to interfere with his parenting, though we do discuss our differences behind the scenes, and have made changes in our approaches over the years, to try to suit each other.

If your DH hits that is something to discuss, and perhaps with outside support (Rav, therapist, etc...)

happy chick

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:01 am

Potching is diff than hitting. Technically, it's just the Jewish term for hitting. But hitting thats to let out frustration is not ok. Potching to teach that it's not ok to run in the street, touch an open fire, etc is ok (occasionally). Even chutzpah is a grey area of whether or not it's ok to porch. But then that's only for much younger children.

JMHO

My4Jewels

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:07 am

Sorry I don’t agree with you.. if you hit your child one can make an excuse that it is ok to do that when teaching them something but the truth is that it’s hitting. It’s telling a child that using your hands to get a message across is totally ok.

I personally am not ever ok with that. Call it potching call it hitting it’s the same bad message given to a child

happy chick wrote:

BrisketBoss ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:09 am

happy chick wrote:

You know, people in favor of potching/spanking often say it's never ok to do it in anger. But I read about a very interesting study that showed that cold, calculated corporal punishment has a worse effect than the angry kind--when the parent is angry, at least the child can kind of understand it. I can look up the study for you if you want. (I think it was leaving out the question of mild spanking by the way.)

RevitalizedMom ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:13 am

My4Jewels wrote:

It teaches a child that it’s ok for a parent to hit when necessary. It doesn’t teach children that hitting is ok in general, because it’s not hitting in general. It’s a parent trying to be mechanech their kid in a specific situation.

Parents who hit frequently and out of frustration teach their child that hitting is ok.

And I’ll add, I strongly disagree with potching. In my opinion, it’s a lazy and easy quick fix in parenting. Which usually does more damage than good. And parenting isn’t about quick fixes. It’s about teaching your child for the long run.

There are more effective and kinder ways to teach children.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:15 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Yeah, I personally have never understood the whole logic thing about the hitting but not from anger.

R' Mattisyahu Salamon of Lakewood says (I heard it myself) that when a child is hit by a parent, they are not having thoughts of remorse, I won't do it again. They are having thoughts of anger - if I were big enough and strong enough, I'd hit back.

He is against potching/hitting/spanking for this reason. It does not have the desired effect in the child and is counterproductive.

R' Yaakov Kaminetsky was also against hitting.

I don't know who your Daas Torah is OP, but the above are pretty compelling.

↑ RevitalizedMom ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:17 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

This sounds very scary, and I don’t think potching is usually done this way.
But I do agree that potching can have severe negative effects.
It’s humiliating, degrading, and shameful. Even if it doesn’t physically hurt much.

People that potch should ask themselves why they do so. Mechanchim today hold that it shouldn’t be done.

↑ RevitalizedMom ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:21 am

Chayalle wrote:

And let me add that rav Shlomo Wolbe is also against hitting. He said it does more harm than good. He says that in the past, it worked well because people were able to handle it. But today, our generation can’t. It’s not a judgement. It’s a fact.
And today it’s considered putting a stumbling block in front of a blind person because many children would hit back.

So again, why are people still potching.

amother

Sand ↓

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:26 am

happy chick wrote:

What are you saying? Maybe in some communities it has different meanings but when I hear someone say they hit and give petch it can mean anything from what you described to strong petch with a belt so there is no way to tell what is being done.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:26 am

No I don't.

Just asking: how many of those who are so against hitting will have no problem hitting their child for going in the street? I seriously can't wrap my head around this. If you think it's ok to hit your child, that's one thing. But don't be apposed to hitting your kid for something else but then say it's ok to hit if they run into the street.

amother

↑ Sand

Tue, Mar 22 2022, 10:29 am

My4Jewels wrote:

Look this thread will be too triggering for me so I'll just post and then probably not come back. My house used to have a lot of horrible petch that I can't even think about without getting sick. I made many changes and I have not hit my children. Thinking about hitting them makes me feel sick and I can't see how someone who respects a child can do that. However, I have had rabonim put me in my place and clarified that anyone who says hitting children is never ok is wrong. Those ideas come from the internet and the non jews or wherever else.
Of course, most of the people hitting today do not mean Hashem when they do and at least in my life when people do they always cross into abuse. So those people should not be hitting. But hitting your children the right way and your children knowing about petch is torahdig. I can't tell you what that way is because I don't know, but don't black and white it for everyone because it exists in our Torah.
But for the sake of Jewish children whose parents are probably not oisgearbet enough there is a better way than petch.