Help!! My husband is deranged!- Satire

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 5:55 pm

I'm typing this in the bathroom, where I have been locked in for the last few hours because I'm scared of my husband.

What happened basically was that he came home from shul today with some of his drinking buddies, and he wanted to make a "l'chaim". I hate those friends of his. They are so arrogant and shallow. And they get crazy when they're drunk.

Anyway, I was actually in the kitchen where I was hosting a little kiddush of my own for a few of my friends. I had gotten some fancy Ziegelman cakes and took out some chocolate liquor. But we could hear everything that was going on in the dining room, because after a while it got quite noisy in there.

These guys were all stone drunk and were shouting at the top of their lungs. Their conversation was so stupid. They were bragging about their cars and their condos in Florida. Of course, my husband had to best them and bragged about our trip to Dubai and our new luxury penthouse in Yerushalayim.

My husband likes to sound all macho but the truth is that he has a huge inferiority complex. I think its because he grew up very poor, and now that we have lots of money, he feels the need to prove how rich he is at every opportunity. I, on the other hand grew up very wealthy, and I can't stand this need to show off. My husband used to work as a car wash guy, and in fact he used to clean my father's cars (before we were married).

A couple of years ago, his father came into big money (not very honestly, I assure you), but he didn't even get to enjoy the money because he died shortly after. And my husband, being the only son, inherited all the money.

Anyway, so here he is, busy bragging about the donation he just gave to some big organization, and the next thing I know, they start talking about a certain woman and saying she is beautiful. Ugh! These men are awful. I was cringing with embarrassment and tried to talk to my friends to distract them from the men's talk.

And then my husband starts saying that no one is more beautiful than his own wife (which made me feel good), but then one of the drunken men said, "prove it!"

I was laughing to myself when I heard this but the next thing I know, one of the kids (who was the son of one of the guys) came to me in the kitchen and said out loud for all my friends to hear, "Your husband said he wants you to come to the dining room to show the guys how beautiful you are. "

My face must've turned purple. I couldn't speak at first because I was too shocked and humiliated. What's worse, the message was that I should come wearing a certain item of lingerie that I only wear in the bedroom. Did you ever???

(Here's the thing. To be very blunt, I am very well endowed. My husband is sooo proud of my looks -and so am I, tbh- and always says that no one is as gorgeous as me. I don't mind him telling that to ME, but not to his drinking buddies!)

Anyway, I told the kid to go back and tell my husband to stop being an idiot. My friends all laughed kind of nervously but I was seething inside. Boy is this guy not gonna get cholent today. What nerve!

My father, a"h, also used to drink. But he never got drunk! He used to be able to hold his wine and always was in control of himself. My husband, on the other hand, gets drunk every Shabbos and sometimes during the week as well. He comes home with these bloodshot eyes...I'm so disgusted with him!

If you're wondering why I married him, well, it's a long story, but I was basically forced to marry him.

Anyway, the kid comes back a few minutes later telling me that my husband INSISTS that I come right now, or else.

"OR ELSE what?" I sneered. I was completely mortified at this point that my husband's stupidity was on display for all of my friends to see. I knew we were gonna be the talk of town. How dare he insist on anything?! I told the kid to tell my husband he should go jump in the lake. No one will come looking for him.

But at this point I was so mad. Then I hear shouting from the dining room. My husband was having a tantrum like a two year old, screaming at the top of his lungs that if I don't come this instant he will divorce me, he will strangle me, he will shoot me.. don't ask. Can't Believe It

Anyway. I was gonna go in there just to give him a piece of my mind, but suddenly one of my friends gasped. I looked at her and she pointed at my forehead. Then all the other ladies looked and their hands flew to cover their mouths.

"What? What? What is it?"

I was so confused. I thought maybe I had some cake around my mouth or something. I got up to go to the bathroom to check.

You won't believe this but I have this huge massive thing, like a piece of skin growing out of my forehead. I thought I would faint. There was no WAY I was coming out of this bathroom. I locked the door and just started bawling. Maybe it's like impetigo or something, because my whole face is covered in this weird rash. I look hideous.

Anyway, I have been locked in the bathroom since then. My husband has been banging on the door. I'm afraid he is going to kill me for embarrassing him in front of his friends. I've been trying to Google what this thing is on my forehead but I have no idea what it is.

What should I do?????

Ps. Please dont tell me to go for therapy because my husband would NEVER agree. He thinks he is smarter than any therapist and any rav. The only people he listens to are those stupid friends of his.

(Sorry for such a long OP, I know it's like reading a whole megilla but I'm so scared, I don't know what to do!!) Sad

amother

Stonewash ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 5:58 pm

Hi Vashti. Nice to have you here.

Not_in_my_town

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 5:59 pm

Ha! Cute.

BokerTov

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 5:59 pm

Fantastic job!
You had me till halfway through!

amother

Beige

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 5:59 pm

Great story Vashti, ehr, I mean OP!

Stay in the bathroom. We know how this ends.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 6:17 pm

Not_in_my_town wrote:

Ha! Cute.

It's really not cute!! Should I call Shalom Task force? I'm terrified!
I know my husband. He can get quite violent when he is angry.
And what should I do with this awful rash ??? Help

He has this friend who is nuts. He is always telling my husband that he hates feminists and that women think they can boss around their husbands. I happen to know that his wife is a very domineering kind of person and she for sure wears the pants in the house. Also, she is from another country (I forget which) and whenever her family comes over they jabber away in another language. And her husband always feels shut out. I know this because he is always complaining about it to my husband.

Anyway, he was one of the guys there at the l'chaim kiddush and I heard him saying, "See? This is what comes from feminism. " He's such a jerk.

OMG! My husband is banging on the door! He says he is going to break it down. Help!!

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 6:22 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

Hi Vashti. Nice to have you here.

Huh? I thought this site is for orthodox only ?!

amother

Mauve

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 6:23 pm

Are you the one who recently posted that you mistreat your cleaning help of a certain ethnicity? Your writing style is similar.

amother

Papaya

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 7:01 pm

Yeah op, KARMA

Is there a window in the bathroom
If I were you I’d jump

amother

Dimgray

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 7:02 pm

I literally only realized halfway through...

amother

Ruby ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 7:48 pm

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

I literally only realized halfway through...

Pity the title was edited and it now says satire. I enjoyed thinking it’s true.

amother

↑ Ruby

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 7:49 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Are you the one who recently posted that you mistreat your cleaning help of a certain ethnicity? Your writing style is similar.

Potatoe kugel lady much?

BrisketBoss

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 7:51 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

Huh? I thought this site is for orthodox only ?!

I say "Huh?" to your "Huh?"

amother

Bronze

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 7:52 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Potatoe kugel lady much?

I thought the poster was alluding to op’s mistreatment of her Jewish cleaning help, forcing them to work on Shabbos

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 8:02 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

Yeah op, KARMA

Is there a window in the bathroom
If I were you I’d jump

I totally would, but I live on the 18th floor!
And what do you mean, karma?!!

amother

↑ Stonewash

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 8:09 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Pity the title was edited and it now says satire. I enjoyed thinking it’s true.

Yeah. It’s enough that it’s in the Purim category.
Honestly though, there are women on this site that are being abused by their husbands in this manner.
I hope this isn’t hurting them in any way.
Physical abuse like hitting, choking, leaving marks are real in our community. It is also very isolating and shameful to them.
Let’s leave them some space so they feel safe sharing and reaching out for help.

amother

NeonPurple

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 9:27 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

Agreed. I work with abuse victims daily and this was not a comfortable read for me, can’t imagine it would be for any of them.

amother

Melon ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 10:24 pm

amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:

Agreed. I work with abuse victims daily and this was not a comfortable read for me, can’t imagine it would be for any of them.

The title was very clear to what it's about...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 10:33 pm

amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:

Agreed. I work with abuse victims daily and this was not a comfortable read for me, can’t imagine it would be for any of them.

I am sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with my post. It was not my intention.

I was reading on Shabbos about the story of the megilla and it occured to me how absurd the situation was, how one thoughtless comment from Achashveirosh lead to a chain of events that spiraled out of control, and he ended up losing his queen. He never meant for it to happen, but once he got into the mess, he couldn't back off.

It occured to me that so many shalom bayis problems start exactly like that. One person says something thoughtless, the other one responds with an insult and it escalates and snowballs and before you know it, it's a massive fight.

Then I thought it would be funny to do a spoof of this in the Shalom Bayis section. But I didn't want anyone to think I was making fun of people who are in really abusive situations so I put it in the Purim forum.

Again, I'm sorry if I unintentionally hurt anyone with this. If the mods think it's insensitive to victims of abuse, they can remove this.

Success10 ↓

Sat, Mar 12 2022, 11:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hope they let it stay. You're very talented.