My daughter's first job post school - what to do with her $?

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:09 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

And Per halacha if a guy rapes a girl, he needs to marry her or pay the father 50 Shekel.

We don't live like that today, and I think you wouldn't want to go back in time.

What are you saying with this? All halacha is now irrelevant because of this? I don't think so.

That's why we have rabonim for the times and today it is still accepted in some communities for girls to give their fathers their paychecks and the fathers can save it, use it for day expenses, use it for the chasuna, etc. depending in their financial circumstances. Yes, he can let the girl keep it too. Each family should do what's appropriate for them and in accordance with their rav.
Don't call it dysfunctional.

amother

↑ Dill

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:10 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Dysfunctional

↑ watergirl

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:11 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

I'm not sure you need to ask a rav when engaging in an accepted practice that is allowed in the shulchan urech but if a child expresses a problem with it I'm sure they discuss with a rav.
If anything, you may need to ask a rav if you may be it mevater.

Are these same men just as machmir on lashon hara? On giving maaser? Not discussing business on shabbos? On providing his wife with onah? On supporting the family with his income (and if so, he would not need to take his daughter’s income)?

I don’t know about you, but I learned to work on my observance of halachos and make sure I am up to par on everything I can be before I do things on someone else’s cheshbon, even if it’s the halacha.

amother

↑ Salmon ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:12 pm

It's cultural obviously.
Just one question, in those communities that do so, what happens if the girl doesn't marry so young? What if she's 25 and single. Does she really have no autonomy or her own money without having to ask her father?

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:12 pm

watergirl wrote:

Yes these men should be machmir on all that or they are not erlich. Period. Why is this even a question?

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:18 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Yes these men should be machmir on all that or they are not erlich. Period. Why is this even a question?

I don't think the men are being machmir on this halacha at all. They're actually taking the easy self-serving way out on this one. If they'd be machmir on this halacha, they would take the time and effort to see how they don't need to take the money from their children, and there are more praiseworthy ways to approach this.

amother

↑ DarkPurple

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:25 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Just because something is accepted in a community doesn't mean its not dysfunctional.

amother

Lawngreen ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:25 pm

OP, I have single daughters who live at home.

I do not take their pay and I supply room and board. They pay for clothing, phone, their car and other expenses. Since they are older singles they have saved a big nest egg. The exception is when they first start working I pay for almost everything so they can start a nest egg.

My husband lost his job and one of my daughters offered to help us out during this time and gave her masser money to the younger kids tuition.

I know the amount I borrowed and hope to pay her back one day but it is not my first priority because she does not need the money (she has a few hundred thousand saved up with minimal expenses). I know she forgave the loan but I want to pay her back one day just for my own dignity.

My parents did the same with me and by saving money before marriage it gave me the ability to buy a house early on in the marriage and by having that asset it made my life much easier always.

amother

Hotpink ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:27 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

If she gave maaser why do you need to repay?

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:53 pm

I didn't read the whole thread but it's not your money. It's time for her own account and debit card. Her money, she can do what she wants with it. I spent most of mine on learning to drive, clothes and having my hair done for shabbos. Doesn't make a difference how much debt you have, or how much you earn. The money is hers. She's worked for it! Let her enjoy it now before she's married and has to start saving/being careful with how she spends.

simba ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 2:04 pm

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

Just because something is accepted in a community doesn't mean its not dysfunctional.

Its dysfunctional cause it doesn't line up with your word view?

It actually sounds functional. Today we mostly live in a time of prosperity. We want more and better for our children. Maybe even coddle them to a fault..the snowflakes, cancel culture, self absorbed youth come from somewhere.

I was not raised like this but that doesn't mean I can't see it as a valid option. Especially when It may even have halachic backing.

Why are we all so close minded when veering right but when people announce on here the absolute craziest things we salute their bravado?

And to whomever compared this to rape, you should think many times before inflicting pain on the many rape victims here.

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 2:27 pm

amother [ Antiquewhite ] wrote:

Giving parents earnings has nothing to do with 'veering right'.

Yes it does when your reasoning behind why it's wrong is because "the shulchan urech also says a woman's money belongs to her husband." Yes, it does. And how is that a bad thing exactly?

Calling something that is completely functional not comes from a secular influence. Saying, that isn't done in our communities so it is an unheard concept to me or would appear dysfunctional in a different community is completely different. People here are projecting that these fathers don't mean it leshem shamayim when they do and when it's completely functional and fine and shouldn't have to be defended.

You don't have to engage in that practice but it is not dysfunctional just because you do something different and/or because secular society does.

And for all the people posting "it's not your money. It's hers." Do you have a source for that? Sure, a father can be mevater the money but the money is not automatically "hers." That is not a toradig concept.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 2:33 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Can you please share in which circles is this regular practice?

With all of you and others bringing up halacha about it, no one has as of yet actually said that it is the done thing anywhere.

I've very right-wing myself and have never heard of it.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 2:34 pm

simba wrote:

But calling a specific communities dysfunctional...

Did anyone here actually mention any community that practices this?

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see that anywhere. Just speculation about people following halachah and therefore it must be the correct thing to do.

↑ keym

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 2:40 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

But what happens if a new couple decides they want to do something that their parents don't agree to pay for?
Vacation to Miami? Move to Detroit? Take 2 weeks vacation and do nothing? Buy a shaitel according to a standard that the parents don't hold of but the young couple's Rav holds of? Get a license and buy a car?
The young couple literally walks away from the chuppah without a penny to their name unless their parents give (and the parents have to want to give)?

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 2:40 pm

amother [ Antiquewhite ] wrote:

It will turn into a bashing thread so I'm not posting it.
It's also not a "practice" just something that is done without people finding it strange or it being a thing.
My age probably all my classmates did it.
Today some girls keep their own money but many give paychecks to their father. Whoever keeps likely also offers to give anyways.