My daughter's first job post school - what to do with her $?

amother

Azure

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:29 am

I don’t understand how this is a question help her open an account ! My parents definitely needed money never took our money I would babysit and worked after hs before I got married I saved my money. my parents even still payed for thing bec I lived at home. I did pay my own cell phone and random clothes and stuff when I went out myself or friends. I got married Bh with a nice amount of money in my account and we saved it and Eventually used it for a down payment on our house. My husband also worked and had some money and we had wedding money , guess what we worked no one supporting us. we are doing great even though we don’t have a lot we know the value of money. My kids are also learning the value of money I have some who started babysitting I give them money for things but will sometimes say to use there own or if they want something that I don’t want to purchase at the moment . I tell them they can use their money and sometimes they’ll be like I don’t wanna waste my money it’s not worth a few it’s not worth it to me and sometimes they’ll pay me and I’ll get it for them. But they’re definitely learning the value of money young age and they’re saving and not running to spend every penny of it it

amother

↑ Poppy

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:35 am

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

I did. The only summer I did go to camp.
But I knew my parents felt bad about it. Maybe that's why I was never resentful about needing to pay my own way for things.

There you go.

And what did my parents say, “be grateful we’re paying anything at all, your a spoiled brat. You can go as a mother’s helper for free like I for when I was in camp, I don’t dream DREAM of asking my parents to pay for camp…”

amother

Silver ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:48 am

small bean wrote:

I actually just thought of someone I know that's litvish that put her money in account and then promised support with that money. Her parents would give x amount a month from there.

If it would've been me, I would've just said, give me all the money now and I'll manage it.

I didn't get married with much money as I was onky working for 3 months before I got married but we didn't blow any money. I pretty much bought a house right away. (With mostly my husbands savings)

I have heard of people doing that. They promise support in order to get the shidduch and they take the child's money and give it as the support. They would not be able to give the support otherwise.

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:54 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

I have heard of people doing that. They promise support in order to get the shidduch and they take the child's money and give it as the support. They would not be able to give the support otherwise.

What's the point of this whole pretense. If the daughter wants a learning boy and the parents can't support it, why shouldn't she save her own money and use it to support herself? If the daughter can support herself, why the need for the parents to provide support?

keym ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:07 am

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Um what?
We all give our parents our money. They pay for whatever we need. Our chasunos. Then 5 years all rent, food, utilities. More if our husband's stay learning, less if they go to work and can afford it. On top of it because our parents are BH well off they give us a large wedding gift of money regardless of what we made before. We are BH blessed.

Most parents use the children's money for daily expenses and others to pay for the wedding and can't afford to pay rent and food after the chasuna. It's not dysfunctional at all. It's really normal in some communities. Obviously not in yours but it's not dysfunctional.

If your parents are well-off, what do they need your measly paycheck for?
Wouldn't it benefit everyone for you to put your paycheck into a savings account so you enter marriage with significant savings, able to buy a house earlier or what not.
It just seems to me that a situation where the married children have no money of their own and rely on the parents to pay their living expenses for the first few years creates a situation that's ripe for abuse and control.
The young couple can't decide to buy a couch, go on vacation, take maternity leave, or move to a new city because they're dependent on the parents money.
Not to mention the day-to-day decisions like whether to stay home for Shabbos or what to name the baby is influenced or able to be controlled by money and the children have nothing so they have no choice.

I'm my world, the Kollel support does cause a bit of this problem, but at least the couple has their savings (what the wife made before she got married, and the husband's money from bar mitzvas, being a counselor, selling lulavim) to fall back on.

amother

↑ Silver

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:13 am

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

It's the backwards world of the boy demanding support or they won't go into the shidduch. If you want to get the best guy you need to provide support. It is usually a set amount for a certain number of years. For some reason they don't care of the girl comes into the marriage with a lot of savings.

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:26 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

If this is true, then I'd use a few other choice words rather than backwards. Do the parents of the boy just want him to stay in learning, or are they rather looking to suck out of the other parents whatever they possibly can?

If it would be to truly to stay in learning, they wouldn't care where the money comes from. Or even better, they would be proud that the future DIL is saving up for this. It would actually mean that this girl genuinely wants a learning boy, and not just doing it cause its the in thing to do.

amother

↑ Sunflower

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:35 am

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

This! A shadchan redt a shidduch to my dd but the guy needed full support. We said sorry we can't afford it, our dd is working and has money saved up so she will support her husband for as long as she can. She tried telling me that we should say we'll support, using my dds money, that this is how everyone does it. And I told her that we don't play those games. We believe in emes and this isn't emes. My dd doesn't want to get married under those pretenses.

↑ watergirl ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:44 am

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Call a rav. Halachadig a girl's money belongs to her father.

And a father now a days is mevater and lets her keep her money. Are we cherry picking what halachos to keep and which not to? Why be machmir on this one and not on others? Is this father making sure to follow every other halacha under the sun also? Or is he taking the ones he likes when it is convenient for his pocketbook?

Last edited by watergirl on Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:46 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:47 am

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Call a rav. Halachadig a girl's money belongs to her father.

I don't get why you keep repeating this. Halachadig, whatever a wife owns belongs to her husband. Yet, we don't operate in that black & white fashion. Same applies to this situation. If a father demands that his daughters hand over their money to him based on this black & white interpretation, it isn't right. Even if the simplest interpretation of halacha says that it is. There are lots of other factors and contingencies to consider, along with the detailed interpretation of this halacha.

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:53 am

watergirl wrote:

Yes erliche yidden are careful to follow all halachos and some girls do keep their money but it is not dysfunctional and the earth doesn't spin on an axis when a girl gives her paycheck to her father and it's acceptable in communities so people need to stop bashing others who keep halacha even if the father is allowed to be mevater on it.

↑ watergirl ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:57 am

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

So we can assume these erliche men are asking their own rav before touching a cent their daughter earns?

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:03 pm

watergirl wrote:

So we can assume these erliche men are asking their own rav before touching a cent their daughter earns?

I'm not sure you need to ask a rav when engaging in an accepted practice that is allowed in the shulchan urech but if a child expresses a problem with it I'm sure they discuss with a rav.
If anything, you may need to ask a rav if you may be it mevater.

amother

↑ Lightyellow ↓

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:06 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

And Per halacha if a guy rapes a girl, he needs to marry her or pay the father 50 Shekel.

We don't live like that today, and I think you wouldn't want to go back in time.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 8:46 am; edited 1 time in total