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mommy3b2c
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 Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:05 am
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Im stunned that anyone would think its normal to take their child’s money. So many dysfunctional people in this world...
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:13 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | | Im stunned that anyone would think its normal to take their child’s money. So many dysfunctional people in this world... |
Um what?
We all give our parents our money. They pay for whatever we need. Our chasunos. Then 5 years all rent, food, utilities. More if our husband's stay learning, less if they go to work and can afford it. On top of it because our parents are BH well off they give us a large wedding gift of money regardless of what we made before. We are BH blessed.
Most parents use the children's money for daily expenses and others to pay for the wedding and can't afford to pay rent and food after the chasuna. It's not dysfunctional at all. It's really normal in some communities. Obviously not in yours but it's not dysfunctional.
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:26 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | Um what?
We all give our parents our money. They pay for whatever we need. Our chasunos. Then 5 years all rent, food, utilities. More if our husband's stay learning, less if they go to work and can afford it. On top of it because our parents are BH well off they give us a large wedding gift of money regardless of what we made before. We are BH blessed.
Most parents use the children's money for daily expenses and others to pay for the wedding and can't afford to pay rent and food after the chasuna. It's not dysfunctional at all. It's really normal in some communities. Obviously not in yours but it's not dysfunctional. |
Question, did your parents make you go get a job at some point or did you actively want to get one?
Only asking because if my parents were taking my paycheck at a young age I might’ve been discouraged from working
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mommy3b2c
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:37 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | Um what?
We all give our parents our money. They pay for whatever we need. Our chasunos. Then 5 years all rent, food, utilities. More if our husband's stay learning, less if they go to work and can afford it. On top of it because our parents are BH well off they give us a large wedding gift of money regardless of what we made before. We are BH blessed.
Most parents use the children's money for daily expenses and others to pay for the wedding and can't afford to pay rent and food after the chasuna. It's not dysfunctional at all. It's really normal in some communities. Obviously not in yours but it's not dysfunctional. |
Dysfunctional....
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:39 am
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From when I (and my siblings) graduated high school until I got married I saved every dollar and it went towards my wedding. It was either that, or watching my parents go deep in debt. How can A child let that happen?!
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:40 am
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Have her open an account so she can save it
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:41 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | Um what?
We all give our parents our money. They pay for whatever we need. Our chasunos. Then 5 years all rent, food, utilities. More if our husband's stay learning, less if they go to work and can afford it. On top of it because our parents are BH well off they give us a large wedding gift of money regardless of what we made before. We are BH blessed.
Most parents use the children's money for daily expenses and others to pay for the wedding and can't afford to pay rent and food after the chasuna. It's not dysfunctional at all. It's really normal in some communities. Obviously not in yours but it's not dysfunctional. |
I guess it depends on your circles. By me, my parents paid for nothing after our wedding. We were all on our own for rent, food, etc. It only makes sense that my parents let me save up my money for when I would actually need it.
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:43 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | Um what?
We all give our parents our money. They pay for whatever we need. Our chasunos. Then 5 years all rent, food, utilities. More if our husband's stay learning, less if they go to work and can afford it. On top of it because our parents are BH well off they give us a large wedding gift of money regardless of what we made before. We are BH blessed.
Most parents use the children's money for daily expenses and others to pay for the wedding and can't afford to pay rent and food after the chasuna. It's not dysfunctional at all. It's really normal in some communities. Obviously not in yours but it's not dysfunctional. |
It is indeed dysfunctional. Parents are meant to raise their children to become independent adults, and not dependent on them. They shouldn't be taking your money only to give it back to you in a different form. That's purposely creating dependency.
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:43 am
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Curious which communities consider this the norm? I've never heard of a parent taking a child's money. I grew up just plain frum in brooklyn.
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amother
Coffee
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:45 am
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I grew up yeshivish in Lakewood and what is normal is girls chipping in for seminary, or upgrading certain parts of the the wedding that are important to them (if getting a gown from a rental not a gemach would have been important to me, I would have paid for that.)
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:48 am
| amother [ Topaz ] wrote: | | I guess it depends on your circles. By me, my parents paid for nothing after our wedding. We were all on our own for rent, food, etc. It only makes sense that my parents let me save up my money for when I would actually need it. |
Most parents don't pay after the wedding only people who can afford it do. I was saying even my parents who can afford that BH, we still gave them our paychecks without an issue as it is standard here although lately I know some girls don't do it and that's fine. I mean what would we need money for me.
Most parents use the paychecks from daughters for day to day expenses and if not that at least for the wedding.
It's just weird for me to hearing giving a paycheck to a parent is considered dysfunctional to some as that's actually the halacha so even if you do different respect someone who does something else too.
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:50 am
| amother [ Seablue ] wrote: | Question, did your parents make you go get a job at some point or did you actively want to get one?
Only asking because if my parents were taking my paycheck at a young age I might’ve been discouraged from working |
No. Why wouldn't we work. After we leave school we work what else is there to do.
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:54 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | | No. Why wouldn't we work. After we leave school we work what else is there to do. |
I think this must be very community specific. I assume you mean no college or post school training?
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:56 am
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I would let her keep her paychecks and encourage her to put a significant amount of the money into stocks and ETFs.
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Frumme
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:57 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | | Of course it belongs to the father until the girl is married. |
I don't think that's as clear cut as you are making it out to be.
For example
| Quote: | | Knesset Hagedola 270:3 writes that if somebody gives the child a gift on condition that the parents have no share in it, that is effective and the property becomes the child's own |
So even here it states that there is basis for a child having their own money in their parent's house that the parents are not allowed to use. Even more so money that the child made by working for another person, with a contract....
Ask your personal rav, of course
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:58 am
| amother [ DarkRed ] wrote: | Most parents don't pay after the wedding only people who can afford it do. I was saying even my parents who can afford that BH, we still gave them our paychecks without an issue as it is standard here although lately I know some girls don't do it and that's fine. I mean what would we need money for me.
Most parents use the paychecks from daughters for day to day expenses and if not that at least for the wedding.
It's just weird for me to hearing giving a paycheck to a parent is considered dysfunctional to some as that's actually the halacha so even if you do different respect someone who does something else too. |
Where exactly is here? How could an entire community have such a dysfunctional system?
Day to day expenses?? Why work?
My parents don’t have a lot but they never took my money. (Even though they liked to complain how “rich” I was.) It was for me to save for when I got married. I also paid for part of camp, seminary and some wedding expenses like clothing, linen, and housewares. Guess what? I’m resentful. My friends didn’t pay a dime.
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:07 am
| amother [ Poppy ] wrote: | Where exactly is here? How could an entire community have such a dysfunctional system?
Day to day expenses?? Why work?
My parents don’t have a lot but they never took my money. (Even though they liked to complain how “rich” I was.) It was for me to save for when I got married. I also paid for part of camp, seminary and some wedding expenses like clothing, linen, and housewares. Guess what? I’m resentful. My friends didn’t pay a dime. |
I didn't pay for camp, seminary but I sure paid for every every single expense that was incurred due to my wedding. Could I have been resentful? Yeah! It wasn't like all my friends paid for their weddings. But on the other hand if A child is mature enough to get married and she knows her parent simply cant afford marrying her off, and the only other option will be for them to borrow money from gemachim/or have klal yisroel pay for it, I dont understand the resentment! This is what was bashert for me and I would not want my parents to go deep into debt without having a way to repay it. They worked so hard for the daily expenses And they didnt give me a dollar after I got married either. And Neither did my in laws. Im so proud of myself!
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amother
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Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:11 am
| amother [ Poppy ] wrote: | Where exactly is here? How could an entire community have such a dysfunctional system?
Day to day expenses?? Why work?
My parents don’t have a lot but they never took my money. (Even though they liked to complain how “rich” I was.) It was for me to save for when I got married. I also paid for part of camp, seminary and some wedding expenses like clothing, linen, and housewares. Guess what? I’m resentful. My friends didn’t pay a dime. |
Totally justifiable if your parents made you feel uncomfortable with how much money you made. But resentful for extras seems a bit spoiled to me.
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