My daughter's first job post school - what to do with her $?

↑ watergirl ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 3:51 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

I guess some people b”H don’t understand what it’s like not to have savings for kids’ chasunas. It’s a huge expense and if the girl is working she should chip in. That’s normal in my circles. You’re looking at 25k and up and if you don’t have it what are you supposed to do?

OP is not asking her daughter to save for her own wedding. She wants to take the money for household expenses.

If you don't have 25k for a wedding, you don’t make a 25k wedding. You make what you can afford.

amother

Amber

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 3:54 pm

So, I grew up poor. OP, you said you are not doing well financially. This means you probably cant afford to buy your dd clothes etc (my parents couldnt but things for me).

So, your dd shld keep her money in her own bank account, and if she needs more clothes or extras like going out with friends....you can ask her to contribute....but it's also important for your dd to save up especially if you cant pay for many things, but she should definitely not be paying you rent.....

I would think you should be happy she has money of her own that she can save for her expenses when she is older/now ........

amother

Sunflower ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 3:56 pm

Another vote for it's her money, she gets to keep it. And also, it's your debt, your problem. I grew up very pooor and my parents did not take a penny of my money. When I went grocery shopping for my mother I very often used my own money and didn't mention it, but that was on me, they knew nothing about it.

We are very poor now, and we also have a lot of debt. I have an adult daughter living at home and I would never ask her for a penny. She buys her own clothes and toiletries and pays for her own car. But she does not contribute towards the household expenses or food. It is my responsibility to provide for my kids as long as they live under my roof. It's not their responsibility to provide for me. She knows I can't support her after she gets married, so she can either marry a guy who is working or if she marries a learning guy she will have to support him herself. Right now B"H she has a decent amount of money saved up to start off her married life.

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:02 pm

Watergirl I was responding to people’s negative comments about my previous suggestion that the dd should save her money for chasuna expenses not chip in for household stuff.

It is hard to not spend 25k. Many spend more. There’s much more than the wedding itself to pay for. A lot of my friends racked up major debt making chasunas.

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:05 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

If people make weddings they can't afford why is it their children's problems? If its a community norm, they shouldn't use their children's money to further that norm. They should figure out a way to change that norm.

amother

Vermilion ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:07 pm

Nothing wrong with your daughter using her earnings for her own current expenses (clothing, toiletries, outings, phone, car insurance etc) or even saving up for her future wedding etc but I do not think you should be relying on her salary to pay off your debt.
As someone said, if she gets no benefit from working, she will get burned out quickly on the job. Nothing more soul sucking than going every day to a job when you don't get anything out of it. Just depressing and tough to keep up with the daily grind, all at the young age of 17.....

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:10 pm

You don’t understand. It’s not the parents who want to spend a lot. It’s the kids! They feel they have to have what’s “normal.” Believe me, I heartily disagree with this attitude but it’s their wedding!

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:10 pm

My father had lost a lot of money in a bad deal around the time I started working. He never asked for my money. I saved as much as could but I did pay for my cellphone, makeup, some clothing/shoes and other “luxuries”. B”H he was able to pay my wedding and expenses but again I chipped in for some extras and shopped frugally. I think it’s okay as long as nothing demanded forcefully. It wasn’t even a discussion just mutually understood

amother

↑ Winterberry ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:11 pm

I agree with most posters about her keeping the money. She will need in the future.
But she's not a child!!! She's 17 and a half, she probably finished school and is working. we're not talking of a counselor job in a day camp!!
Who exactly decided that the cut off date to be an "adult" is 18??? The U.S government?
I was married at that age and working full time. Does that mean I was still a child? I don't think so.
In the majority of the world 17 and a half are treated as adults!! Only In America my kids can't go to the dentist on their own at 17!! But don't worry, they can drive there on their own!!
As I said earlier I would never do it (and I was in this exact situation!!) because it's not done nowadays but it's NOT as crazy as ppl here make it sound!!!
And if you are talking about legalities I'm sure OP provided for her daughter with much more than the "minimum legal requirements"!!

↑ thunderstorm

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:15 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

Well now I understand if the parents are keeping their daughters hard earned money that she of course wants to have a gorgeous wedding , she wants to at least benefit some way since she didn’t get to benefit from her own money until now. So take all that cash and throw it away on a party . At least she gets to enjoy it once and for all.
I’m not a fan of this whole idea of taking a child’s money.
I put sweat and tears into my jobs, it would have hurt to no end not to have any autonomy over the money I earned. Why would someone that age want to work then? Wouldn’t she rather party with friends instead?

qwerty4

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:16 pm

I always handed my paycheck to my father who used it at his discretion (other than bonuses etc which I kept for extras), but my father paid for my wedding expenses and all other expenses in the years leading up to it, shopping and such. I thought that was fair. I think getting the money in your account and having parents pay for your wedding expenses etc is a luxury not everyone can afford.

amother

Peony ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:19 pm

Tough situation.

She is earning it it is her money for extras, savings, etc.

If kids want weddings parents cannot afford then it is on the parents to have a clear communication with their children and let them know the budget and the boundaries.

Once someone is married, the heshbon is different. The age doesn't matter if someone is married at 18 it is different than an 18 year old dependent living at home who can contribute to her own expenses rather than the household's or parents' debt.

Sorry to say parents' debt is parents' business.

Wishing you much siyatta dishamaya and hatzlocha.

amother

Dill ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:22 pm

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

Yes, you were a child. I’m sorry you were married off as a child.

amother

Topaz ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:26 pm

When I was post-high school, my parents were in debt. However, the money I earned went to my account. Most of it I saved, but at that point I also started paying for my own clothes, cell phone, etc.

When I got married, my parents weren't able to help me set up my apartment, nor pay for my sheitelach. There were also other expenses that cropped up with putting money down for an apartment, and paying rent each month until I got a new job (as I moved to a different area). My parents wouldn't have been able to help me out with any of it, and because I had saved up money, I started out financially stable.

If you take all her money now, when she really needs it, she won't have it, and neither will you have the ability to help her. When she starts off married life and moves out, she's going to need a little money to start off, and you're not going to be able to support her then.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:29 pm

The day I got my first job, was the day I paid for all my expenses. Clothes, hair etc. I also voluntarily contributed to household expenses.

When I got married, I didn't take a penny from my parents. They simply didn't have any. I paid for all expenses myself and borrowed the rest which I paid back within my first year of marriagr

amother

↑ Burntblack ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 4:34 pm

I don’t understand babying kids. If you talk to them openly about what things cost they can appreciate setting aside the money that will help them get what they want. Why on earth should post high school kids live a childish self centered life? We work hard to pay mortgage utilities food etc., they’re lucky that they’re in a stage of life where they don’t have those expenses, so let them chap arein and save as much as they can for expenses on the horizon while their expenses are low! It makes a person feel capable and competent to contribute. My dd is paying a significant part of her seminary costs by having saved up money for it and working hard several summers, because this was important to her. After seminary she’ll be saving to help with chasuna expenses and maybe building a nest egg. She feels proud that while she was in high school she planned ahead and took a course that taught her an in demand skill that will IYH give her a good starting salary after she comes back from seminary. Some of her friends are just waiting around for life to start. She isn’t.

amother

↑ Lightyellow ↓

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 5:03 pm

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

Yes you were a child.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Dec 20 2021, 11:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

Another mom ↓

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 12:30 pm

I was very happy to have my older son live by us for a half a year, (was about 30) I'd like him to help in the garden etc. but no way was I going to ask for paying expenses... We were financially Ok BH. I didn't feel it's a time for chinuch (chip in...) but a time for him to feel a safe, loving place with his family.