Do you get an allowance?

↑ bigdeal

Sun, Jan 27 2008, 11:52 am

I will stick to my point WITHOUT bashing- the best marriages are where there are no secrets- I dont think that means I shouldnt have some of my own money- BUT my husband knows that it exists and a good husband will be ok with that- once the "secrets" start- its downhill from there- Again- nobody doubts that some financial scurity is a good thing ( if it can be done) but it doesnt have to be a secret

↑ happymom

Sun, Jan 27 2008, 11:53 am

Quote:

For a while I did have my own separate bank account, currently I don't. I was advised by another woman to have my own account as opposed to having my paycheck going into the joint account, because there might be extras that you want for the kids that your dh doesn't need to know about. I'm curious how many women have separate accounts like that?

I think healthy couples share these things with each other

SleepingBeauty

Sun, Jan 27 2008, 11:59 am

I don't get an allowance. I TAKE an allowance. we budget together and I have what I need for the month, If I really need more, I take it.

What in the world would you have to do without your dh knowing about it. I don't know, we're MARRIED - which means we work things out together!

↑ Ruchel ↓

Sun, Jan 27 2008, 12:49 pm

oh yeah gifts for sure! I meant, I don't understand the husband criticizing the wife's (or contrary!!) buyings, unless she is irresponsible!

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:55 pm

amother wrote:

Imamother above. YOu dont think its degrading for the man to get an allowance (like your father gets0?

he didn't GET an allowance--he KEPT what he felt he needed and let my mother handle the rest. No, it was not degrading--he wasn't ASKING for money, he was GIVING it to his wife. She didn't demand the pay envelope, and he, not she, determined how much he got. there's a world of difference. He was honoring his wife by giving her most of the money and trusting her to handle it.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jan 27 2008, 10:30 pm

ffbmom wrote:

amother wrote:

Are you kidding? How degrading would that be? ...

I can think of few things as humiliating as having to ask your husband for money and/or having to account to him for what you spend. ....

Agree completely. I don't want to be bashed, so I'll say this anon. I hope you have a good marriage and relationship. I knew something was wrong with mine when I gave my husband my money that I earned and he gave me an allowance. It's not the end of the world, but a red flag. Is this the only instance of control? Does he give you an allowance that is just for food or for everything- clothing, kids stuff, school supplies and trips, household items, etc. What happens when you run out of weekly money? How involved are you in the future of your finances? Please open your eyes to this. I know very frum chassidishe couples who share financial responsibility. Also, from the practical standpoint, we don't know what will be tomorrow and I know plent y of cases when the father has just had a heart attack and the mother has not a clue where to begin to care for her finances.

oh, honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't communicate well at all. My outrage is not for myself--it's for women who find themselves in this situation. Specifically I think of a friend of my mom's who from time to time would borrow money from my mother, b/c she literally had to ask her husband for money and permission to buy a new dress, and he turned her down! Her husband was just a miser, never spent on himself and didn't want her to spend on herself, either. then there are the even worse ones who won't spend on their wives but WILL spend on themselves.

I would never, ever, agree to an arrangement in which dh controlled my finances or anything else! I was no naive teenager when I married--I was a working adult, had a solid nest egg in the bank, and was making more money than dh who had just started working. Or maybe I was just blessed in that the man I married did not turn out to be a control freak after pretending to be easygoing during courtship. Plenty of women far more savvy than I am have unforunately found themselves hostages to controlling husbands.

My mother, who in her own quiet way was ahead of her times, advised me to always keep a savings account in my own name and not put everything into a joint account upon marriage. her concern was that when a spouse dies, the banks freeze any accounts with the deceased's name on it, and so the widow may not have access to the money for a long time until the estate is settled. You can have a million dollars in the bank but be destitute until the account is unfrozen. (This may or may not be true any longer. It was true when she told me this.) so both dh and I have bank accounts in our own names in addition to our joint.

If anything, I handle the lion's share of the finances. some bills dh pays, some I pay. I'm the one who does the saving and the conservative investing. So far I've managed to save more than he's lost in his more speculative transactions.

No, I don't get a weekly allowance. I work full time and earn a paycheck. Since the check is deposited directly to checking, I give myself a cash allowance of sorts and try to stick to it. I do that, not because of dh, but b/c many years ago I was going to the ATM every day, sometimes twice a day. The constant running to the ATM meant I wasn't keeping track of how much I was spending. I eventually decided to take out $X every payday(even though I was scared stiff of getting robbed if I had more than $20 on me) and try to make that last till next payday. It was a good way to control my spending. But understand-I was controlling my spending because I wanted to.

lamplighter

Mon, Jan 28 2008, 11:06 am

I don't have the ideadiscretionary money in my marriage but personally I wish I did. No secrets means a lot of explaining and when spouses come from different cultures or have different financial views, it's actually a very healthy and wonderful thing. Don't go on this board or tell other women how it should be in THEIR marriage bc it works for u. every situation is different and pple need to make wise decisions for themselves. Just bc someone does things different then u doesnt mean its wrong or bad.
Personally I tutor on the side and make some (40) money to use as I please. money is tight and I feel guilty spending on many different things but this money is guilt free.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jan 28 2008, 11:52 am

Quote:

Even my mother didn't get an allowance. On payday my father would take an allowance for himself and hand the rest of the pay envelope over to her.

I should say that that was what we were doing at one point. my husband knows that he is a little bit less frugle with money than I am, so when he would come home with his paycheck, he would give it to me to put in the bank and ask me to take out a certain amount each time for maaser and for himself. it was not an allowance, he was just being careful with himself.
at the moment I am the one working but I would never even dream of an allowance. we are both adults and we spend the money is a responsible way and the money is ours, not mine or his.

Quote:

I seriously thought we were talking of PARENTS still giving to you...

ruchel, I also thought that that was the thread...

↑ Ruchel ↓

Mon, Jan 28 2008, 1:16 pm

Allowance sounds just a bit less kiddish than pocket money...

justanothermother ↓

Fri, Feb 01 2008, 2:16 am

from orthonomics.blogspot.com

Quote:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Our Finances: Now is the Time to Get Involved

A few years ago I helped introduce a newly widowed lady (non-Jewish) to her finances. With the exception of the checking account, she had no idea what assets she owned, where they were, or how to access them. Dealing with the death of a spouse was difficult enough. Having to deal with her own insecurities regarding this unknown territory only compounded the loss. The issues she faced were not particularly surprising, as she was in her 80's. The fact that there are (frum spouses among us) who haven't a clue, however, is unacceptable in my opinion.

This is an issue I've been aware of for a long time and have been planning to write about (I've even had requests by email). But, there is too little time and too much to say. However, when I spotted these two threads on the Imamother Chat board, I had to move this topic to the head of the class. In one thread, a poster asks the women "Do You Get An Allowance?" I opened it up, thinking it was a discussion about giving allowances [to children], only to find out that there was no grammatical error and the thread was, in fact, about receiving an allowance from one's husband. Ugh! One poster writes that her husband provides her with $200 a week for household needs. Lovely. Another poster asks "Who Pays the Bills?" Personally, I don't care which spouse actually pays the bills, so long as it gets done properly. But, this thread revealed further disfunction as posters revealed that they they are sticking their heads in the sand, not wanting to know too much about their own finances. One poster describes herself as "happily oblivious." She does not know what the monthly expenses are, where important documents are, etc. G-d willing everything is healthy, because it would be terrible if she husband has built a house of cards, chas v'shalom and she hadsn't a clue.

And speaking of disfunction, try this on for size. A poster writes: "For a while I did have my own separate bank account . . . . I was advised by another woman to have my own account as opposed to having my paycheck going into the joint account, because there might be extras that you want for the kids that your [husband] doesn't need to know about." Excuse me for giving unsolicited advice, but hiding expenses from one's spouse is a fast way to undermine trust and end up in Beit Din.

Anyone (male or female) that doesn't want to end up "up a creek," today, tomorrow, or after 120 should take my advice: if you are not involved in your family's finances, today is the day to get involved. Now this does not mean that you need to start taking over the spending, bill paying, coupon cutting, bargain hunting, savings, investing, planning, or bookeeping and tax functions. The person who is best suited for each function should be the person dealing with that function. It probably comes as no surprise that I deal with about 99% of our financial affairs. But, just because I have been designated Family CEO and CFO, doesn't mean that my husband shouldn't receive the prospectus.

At a minimum, each spouse should know the following, (even if you have to give your spouse the State of the Union address over breakfast, in between shows, or while he/she is on the treadmill):
*Household income.
*Household expenses, by category.
*What assets you have and where they are (a well organized file system and spreadsheets are essential).
*What debts you have, where, how much, and what plan is in place to pay them off.

To be continued. I'm just getting started (iy'h).

Marion

Fri, Feb 01 2008, 8:46 am

I'm the main breadwinner, although we both technically have access to the bank account. We only have one card though, and no credit card, and it's usually in my wallet. When we were newlyweds I would give my husband an allowance, but we now have 2 kids and that "allowance" goes towards things the household needs. However, before you go bashing me, DH still has a private account that his parents put money into for him, so he still has spending money if he wants/needs something.

Motek ↓

Fri, Feb 01 2008, 12:13 pm

What makes it a professional opinion?

One poster wrote that she stays out of financial matters in her marriage and therefore has shalom bayis since 75% (that's what I think she wrote) of arguments are about money. I see nothing wrong with this way of handing one's finances though the piece you quoted disagrees.

In many, many marriages, Jewish and not, men were in charge of earning money and giving their wives a weekly allowance to cover their expenses. It's probably not as popular nowadays but I see no reason to denigrate this approach.

↑ Motek ↓

Fri, Feb 01 2008, 12:49 pm

amother wrote:

Are you kidding? How degrading would that be? ...
I can think of few things as humiliating as having to ask your husband for money and/or having to account to him for what you spend.

I find this an ugly, judgemental post, as though your way is the only way.

cdawnr

Fri, Feb 01 2008, 1:23 pm

Motek wrote:

it isn't the approach she denigrates, its the ignorance.

When my father passed away my mother very nearly had to declare bankruptcy. Now their situation was very complicated (they owned a business and when my dad got sick he didn't have time to tie up the loose ends) and it wasn;t a question of getting an allowace, but I think it is pertinent. It was terrifying for her because suddenly all these bill collectors were calling her for payments and hse didn't necesarily have access to all the info she needed, all this while really she was still dealing with the loss of her spouse of 34 years...

Know what's flying, that is all the poster is saying. Ok, if you want to set a family budget that your husband gives you 200 a week for household expenses ...fine, but know what the finances are

↑ justanothermother

Fri, Feb 01 2008, 1:23 pm

Professional was not the exact word I was searching for, but I find this blog to be a source of rational wisdom regarding economic wisdom vis a vis the frum community. I highly value her opinions.

↑ Ruchel ↓

Sat, Feb 02 2008, 2:41 pm

Motek wrote:

silently disagreeing/renouncing is not shalom bayis...

Quote:

In many, many marriages, Jewish and not, men were in charge of earning money and giving their wives a weekly allowance to cover their expenses. It's probably not as popular nowadays but I see no reason to denigrate this approach.

It seems to me that in traditional families, Jewish or not, the money is given to the mother who deals with it accordingly, including giving allowances.

grin

Sat, Feb 02 2008, 2:53 pm

Motek wrote:

One poster wrote that she stays out of financial matters in her marriage and therefore has shalom bayis since 75% (that's what I think she wrote) of arguments are about money. I see nothing wrong with this way of handing one's finances though the piece you quoted disagrees.

In many, many marriages, Jewish and not, men were in charge of earning money and giving their wives a weekly allowance to cover their expenses. It's probably not as popular nowadays but I see no reason to denigrate this approach.

I agree - if this is the only domain of "control" that the husband has "over" the wife, I think it's perfectly acceptable, esp if he gives her "extra" money when she feels it necessary.

Tefila ↓

Sun, Feb 03 2008, 2:19 am

You know there is no wrong or right way. What works for one couple would not work for another. As long as what one does keeps peace in the home then they have to do what ever way works for them.

↑ Motek ↓

Sun, Feb 03 2008, 4:18 pm

Years ago I heard a tape by Rabbi Y. Zweig of Florida and he said that his grandmother was given a weekly allowance by his grandfather and she knew nothing about his business. He gave her the allowance when things were going well for him and also when they were not, and she was none the wiser. She was a happy, secure woman. Her husband provided.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Feb 03 2008, 4:34 pm

I think a nicer way put would be a budget. DH and I have a budget and we try to keep within it. If we want something we look at the overall budget for the month and see if it is within our means to buy it.