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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
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tovasmom
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 Sat, Jan 26 2008, 9:40 pm
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I am not the amother who posted, Mama Bear, but those prices seem to be a bargain to me. I guess it depends where you live and what your situation is. For us (4 kids), the pizza store order is closer to $20 and the cleaning lady (if I could afford it at this time) would be about $9 per hour plus carfare. I guess that's why we are in debt.
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tovasmom
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Sat, Jan 26 2008, 9:41 pm
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I am not the amother who posted, Mama Bear, but those prices seem to be a bargain to me. I guess it depends where you live and what your situation is. For us (4 kids), the pizza store order is closer to $20 and the cleaning lady (if I could afford it at this time) would be about $9 per hour plus carfare. I guess that's why we are in debt.
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gonewiththewind
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Sat, Jan 26 2008, 9:54 pm
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Allowance sounds so weird. I do all the bill paying and shopping and just do the best I can. So I guess my "allowance" is whatever we have. He has no clue as to how much we are spending on what or what the bills are. If he wants to buy something he will ask me if there is enough in the account, otherwise he doesn't get involved.
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Mama Bear
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Sat, Jan 26 2008, 10:12 pm
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tovasmom, our cleaning lady is also $9 per hour, and she comes for 3 or 4 hours a week, so it's $36.00 max. I know it'll be a lot more before pesach, but for now 3 or 4 hours once aweek is enough. and I only have one child so far, so our typical lunch out is a bowl of farina for me and fries for him, total $6.00. I dont do pizza dinners often at all, I am talking about going out for the occasional lunch once or twice a week, even if I take a big salad for myself and a fries for him, it's under $10.
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Ruchel
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 4:31 am
I seriously thought we were talking of PARENTS still giving to you...
My parents have stopped giving me but they put on my bank account.
I have a card on my, dh's and our common bank account, and I do what I want on them.
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ffbmom
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 4:44 am
| amother wrote: | Are you kidding? How degrading would that be? Thank G-d both DH and I have always worked, excluding blessedly brief periods of unemployment for one reason or another. I would never want to be exclusively dependent on another person for every cent, no matter how much I loved him. Husbands should not control the finances--it should be a joint project.
Even my mother didn't get an allowance. On payday my father would take an allowance for himself and hand the rest of the pay envelope over to her.
I can think of few things as humiliating as having to ask your husband for money and/or having to account to him for what you spend. Well, if you happen to be a fiscally irresponsible spendthrift, giving you an allowance may be the only way to make sure you don't drive your family to the brink of disaster--but for an adult woman of normal spending habits--cheee.... |
Agree completely. I don't want to be bashed, so I'll say this anon. I hope you have a good marriage and relationship. I knew something was wrong with mine when I gave my husband my money that I earned and he gave me an allowance. It's not the end of the world, but a red flag. Is this the only instance of control? Does he give you an allowance that is just for food or for everything- clothing, kids stuff, school supplies and trips, household items, etc. What happens when you run out of weekly money? How involved are you in the future of your finances? Please open your eyes to this. I know very frum chassidishe couples who share financial responsibility. Also, from the practical standpoint, we don't know what will be tomorrow and I know plent y of cases when the father has just had a heart attack and the mother has not a clue where to begin to care for her finances.
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Tamiri
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 4:55 am
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Oops ffb, that didn't come out anonymous. But I agree with you that it's a red flag. A mature couple should have a joint account and each is responsible not to spend more than they should. I don't work out of the home and do all the bill paying and shopping and would never consider that I need to be checked, just because I am not earning. DH doesn't even know what's flying, he'll ask if we have enough money for extra XYZ and together we figure it out. I would resent him questioning anything I spend on.
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ffbmom
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 5:04 am
| Tamiri wrote: | | Oops ffb, that didn't come out anonymous. But I agree with you that it's a red flag. A mature couple should have a joint account and each is responsible not to spend more than they should. I don't work out of the home and do all the bill paying and shopping and would never consider that I need to be checked, just because I am not earning. DH doesn't even know what's flying, he'll ask if we have enough money for extra XYZ and together we figure it out. I would resent him questioning anything I spend on. |
Tamiri, this is a heavenly post. It should be written in huge letters for all to learn about how mature relationships should behave. How lucky for you. How many husbands use money as a way to control their spouses, esp if they are not working. Working @ home is still working. We need to emphasize relationships here. Deos not matter who earns what. Both are in this together for the good of the marriage.
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catonmylap
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 5:08 am
We have the reverse situation currently. I work outside the home, while dh is home. I don't give him an allowance!
I agree with the above posters that I don't think it is healthy to have such a relationship. It sounds way too patriarchal to me!
For a while I did have my own separate bank account, currently I don't. I was advised by another woman to have my own account as opposed to having my paycheck going into the joint account, because there might be extras that you want for the kids that your dh doesn't need to know about. I'm curious how many women have separate accounts like that?
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Tamiri
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 5:26 am
| ffbmom wrote: | | Tamiri wrote: | | Oops ffb, that didn't come out anonymous. But I agree with you that it's a red flag. A mature couple should have a joint account and each is responsible not to spend more than they should. I don't work out of the home and do all the bill paying and shopping and would never consider that I need to be checked, just because I am not earning. DH doesn't even know what's flying, he'll ask if we have enough money for extra XYZ and together we figure it out. I would resent him questioning anything I spend on. |
Tamiri, this is a heavenly post. It should be written in huge letters for all to learn about how mature relationships should behave. How lucky for you. How many husbands use money as a way to control their spouses, esp if they are not working. Working @ home is still working. We need to emphasize relationships here. Deos not matter who earns what. Both are in this together for the good of the marriage. |
Thank you. I don't see myself as "different", I thought everyone was like that. My parents, although they received their salaries in diff accounts, never treated money as anything other than "ours". Which is commedable, especially since my mother got an inheritance (my father got none) which is very respectable - my mother has my father handle it, even though it's "hers". I learned how NOT to handle finances from my DH's divorced parents - it was ugly. The father made the bulk, even though the mother worked, and she never got to see what was happening which was bad at the divorce. Thankfully, my dh and I just handle all expenses as "family" expenses, though I do have to say I am not a big spender on my own things - there is nothing to argue about there. I do not believe in buying ANYTHING that one spouse feels needs to be hidden from the other, even though I have come across women who do buy "secretly" on the side. I don't get it. I think goals should be common. My dh does have wishes to do things which his parents did, but we, as dati parents of five kids really cannot responsibly do, and still have $ left over for the important things. He gets frustrated but lives with it. I don't think I have any frustrations, I think I buy what I think we need, even clothes for me now and then, and that's fine.
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greentiger
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 5:36 am
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We also spend together -joint account, etc. but I see by some other families an allowance (or budget if you prefer to call it) works really well. Both spouses know they have x amount of money to spend this month and if they sit down together and work out how much out of it they need for the wife's houshold expenses and she gets that in advance, it's not nesecarly controlling.
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Ruchel
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 5:44 am
I agree with Tamiri.
Even if only one works, the money is for both. I don't get "expenses that the husband doesn't need to know about".
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Shif
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 5:56 am
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dh works, I don't, he takes out x amount of money for the two of us each week that pays for smaller day to day purchases, we use cc to pay for bills and food shopping (although we don't carry a balance, we shop mostly on cc for the airline miles). We are both level headed about money spending. It doesn't seem to be a real issue, B"H.
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chocolate moose
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 6:27 am
| Ruchel wrote: | | Even if only one works, the money is for both. I don't get "expenses that the husband doesn't need to know about". |
Gifts for each other, for example.
I think a big thing here is that we are getting hung up on semantics. So don't call it allowance, call it pocket money or household money or whatever you want.
Bottom line is, you need walking around money - both of you - for your every day expenses.
And that includes kids, too, depending on the age.
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bigdeal
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:10 am
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with all these controversial topics- I feel like- to each their own- whatever works in the marriage- some couples need an allowance or money for the week and some agree that they both have a bank card\ budget and KNOW what they could spend. Personally, my dh and I both work, so we each deposit our check , and after the bills are paid - we both withdraw money when we need or want something- two mature adults that are old enough to get married, and have kids should be able to agree on budgeting appropriately. there really is no right and wrong, but its about each couple individually making it work. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF ARGUING ABOUT MONEY TOO OFTEN- THEN ITS TIME TO RE-DO THE SYTEM- cuz it obviously aint working ...... see, now MY issue is with couples ( and not the reall kollel ones) who have ZILCHO problem taking money from their parents month after month- anyone care to explain????
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amother
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:28 am
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Sometimes I wish I had a weekly budget. Then I would know I can save from one area and splurge it in another. DH just tells me to be responsible and spend what I need whenever I need it. So if I can save in one area, it stays in the bank, which is good, but I never feel comfortable splurging on anything. Once I wanted to buy a very expensive stainless steel garbage can for our kitchen and even though DH told me to go ahead, I still couldn't do it. I think if I had an "allownace" it would have given me the freedom in my mind to go ahead and buy it. (I did eventually buy it after my cleaning lady quit. I figured the 4 times I cleaned myself and didn't pay someone, I earned it.)
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greenfire
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:34 am
I would like to point out that women should have a nest of sorts - one never knows the future - when my ex left he wiped out 2 bank accounts and cancelled the credit cards - I had 4 small kids
and we shared accounts and responsibilities and did all the right things - until ... we didn't
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bigdeal
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:40 am
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greenfire- while you have a valid point regarding yourself - you cannot generalize- I for one, do not keep money "hidden" from my husband and I would be hurt if it were the other way around- thats why I stated earlier " to each its own"- everyone knows their spouse best and what would work in their marriage as far as the finances go...
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Tamiri
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:42 am
greenfire, re your ex's despicable behavior:
Early on in the States, even though I did not work outside the home, I used our household income to establish my own credit, which is not joint. It's a good thing to have....
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greenfire
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Sun, Jan 27 2008, 8:47 am
| bigdeal wrote: | | greenfire- while you have a valid point regarding yourself - you cannot generalize- I for one, do not keep money "hidden" from my husband and I would be hurt if it were the other way around- thats why I stated earlier " to each its own"- everyone knows their spouse best and what would work in their marriage as far as the finances go... |
the reality in life is that many people are left high and dry ... an no matter what kind of closeness one has ... and no matter what kind of open relationship, shared, joint, whatever ... anything can go awry ... as I stated that is the kind of relationship we had - until we didn't - so there was no warning ...
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