Consequence for defiant behavior

Zehava ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 9:53 am

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

Defiance never needs a condequence
It is always a child shouting for help.

This this this
Children want to succeed. If they seem like they don’t care, it’s because they gave up, because there is something in their life that makes it seem impossible. Sometimes it’s trauma.

amother

↑ Mint

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:17 am

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

Defiance never needs a condequence
It is always a child shouting for help.

Although I strongly agree with you, sometimes until you get the bottom of what’s going on there needs to be semblance in the classroom. The child needs to learn that there are ways to deal with hardship. She can discuss it with the teacher or have her mother call... but saying “no” to a teacher doesn’t have to be tolerated.

At the same time she is being rewarded or given consequences.... the parent and teacher need to work together to figure out why she isn’t doing it.

↑ Zehava

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:32 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

That is assuming that the child knows what her hardship is... many times young children are unaware of what is bothering them. There are automatic defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms at play of which they are unaware.
And no they can’t always have their mother call. Sometimes their mother is unequipped to understand them. Sometimes their mother is the reason of their acting out.

Ema of 5

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:41 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Can you send it home to be done for hw? Perhaps with a note to parent explaining that it's incomplete classwork.

I hate when teachers do this without my consent. I have enough going on once my kids get home from school. I don’t need to be on top of them to ALSO finish work that they didn't do in school.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 12:51 pm

I have one of those kids. I was the mom who was BEGGING the teachers to help me figure out what was bothering DD, and how I could help the school get the teaching goals met.

When DD got overwhelmed, she would curl up under the desk and pull her coat over her. I called it "turtle-ing". She literally retreated into her shell.

Anything and everything could set her off. Too much noise, too many bright posters on the wall, someone being loud in the hallway, someone tapping their pen next to her, someone with really strong smelling perfume or hair products, you name it, it would distress her.

It didn't help that several of her teachers thought they knew better than her IEP, and decided to do the exact opposite. Mad

Being a very logic driven child, if she already knew the work, she didn't see the reason to do it again. She said it was "stupid and a waste of time", when she'd rather be reading or drawing. If the work was too hard, she'd be terrified of getting any of it wrong, so she wouldn't even start.

You have to understand, she is a GOOD kid, and wasn't being defiant. She didn't need to be punished. She needed to have her accommodations met.

Once she got into a class that let her put in earbuds and listen to music, she got all of her work done with no problem! If she needed to hear the teacher, the nearest kid would tap her on the shoulder, and she'd turn off the music and pay attention. (If she didn't, she lost her music privileges.)

little neshamala

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 1:05 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

My DS isn't in your class, right?

I don't think a consequence would work either, if a reward won't. When he doesn't want to do the work, he will decide or convince himself that the consequence doesn't bother him.

If I sit down and discuss the reasons behind his refusal, I discover that due to his pretty low frustration tolerance, SOMETHING is bothering him. Usually it's something I consider minor, but often it's fixable. He doesn't want to do it while sitting next to X, his favorite pencil isn't working. Sometimes it's a bigger issue, like that he wants it done perfectly and doesn't trust himself, or he is "taking revenge" because of something that went wrong earlier.

Whatever the underlying reason is, if I want DS to cooperate, I need to spend time finding out what's up so I can tailor my responses better.

If it's just not wanting to follow directions at all, I'd get the principal involved. But fear as a motivator should not be a first resort.

Totally agree with this

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Nov 07 2019, 9:14 pm

I just want to commend you for trying to understand and help your students. My daughter is having a hard time at school and she just gets sent out and the principal calls me telling me to take her to a therapist (in the second week of school). I wish she had a teacher like you who would first try to work with her.