VERY angry 10 year old! PLEASE HELP!

leomom ↓

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 1:07 am

yentagolda wrote:

first rule out hormones as others have suggested

Just curious -- how do you rule out hormones? Scratching Head

And by the way I agree with everyone above. It's definitely important to find out more about what's going on in your daughter's head and see where that leads -- hopefully to some improvement for all of you. But since she's your oldest, this MIGHT just be your initiation into the wonderful world of being the mother of a teenager.

Tamiri

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 1:20 am

(1) Such a sudden burst of irrational behavior MUST be evaluated by a professional and NOW. There are so many reasons a person can suddenly have a personality change.
(2) Is she used to be parented by the nanny and/or mom+dad? Very important that those who parent her be part of the eval.
Good luck, you can probably find a solution but you should probably get on it BEFORE the baby comes and you are busy elsewhere.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 1:46 am

I also have a 12-yr-old who's going thru a hard time lately. My husband is also suddenly not home - he's working now overseas.
I would guess that it's a mixture of hormones together with the fear of dh's abandonment. (If he went away before, he may do it again. and she may be afraid inside of him not coming back?)
She may yes need therpay to work this thru if she is unable to reach those feelings and discuss it with you.

chanieTLS ↓

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 12:05 pm

1. Is something going on at school with her friends? Is she being rejected by her peers? What do the teachers say about her classroom behavior? Aside from not doing homework, is she acting out in class?

2. What sort of consequences does she get for pushing mom down the stairs or calling her an idiot?

3. I would skip the hormone testing thing. Even if she is going to get her period tomorrow, that is no excuse for being that out of control.

Without knowing anything else, I would take yourself to a behavioral psychologist and look at how your reactions to her behaviors are shaping her self control.

↑ leomom ↓

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 12:40 pm

chanieTLS wrote:

3. I would skip the hormone testing thing. Even if she is going to get her period tomorrow, that is no excuse for being that out of control.

I don't think you can "test" for hormones..... can you? That's why I asked how you rule them out...? Confused

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 2:42 pm

OP here: Thanks for all the advice. I actually had a prenatal appt with my dr this morning. He asked how everything is at home. I mentioned my daughter's behavior to him. He said it is most certainly hormones kicking in. He asked if she is beginning to develop on top (she is not). But, said that the hormones start earlier even though the development and periods may be a couple years away. I feel a little better, But, now I just have to find a solution to her behavior because she obviously can't continue with these outburts. Any ideas from anyone who has gone through these pre-teen, pre-development years? I want to be able to handle it the right way, but I'm not sure how to go about it! Thanks.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 2:52 pm

bite your tongue, hold your breath and count to 10. You will learn to exercise this often in the coming years.
seriously, she may have grown to like the attn. gotten thru these tantrums, just like a toddler. Even if it's due to hormones, she should be strong and old enough to also learn to control herself, and you may both benefit from your ignoring her.

happymom

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 2:54 pm

I think you should speak to a professional in the parenting field to learn the proper way to deal with your daughter in a positive manner that will get u the results u want. u are angry at her for being angry.... andger just wont help as im sure u know! something is eating her up and bothering her..... goodluck working with her though!

she should be strong and old enough to also learn to control herself, and you may both benefit from your ignoring her.

not necessarily. she needs to be TAUGHT not ignored. I think the first thing is she shoyld learn by YOUR example (which would mean u remaining calm when u are upset and talking nicely even when u dont like something she or someone else does or says) and then having conversations with her when she is feeling good about ways she can let out her feelings of anger in a correct manner. for example if she doesnt like soemthing you did, or said maybe she can come up to you later and say mommy can we talk and she can say something like "mommy what you did made me feel angry and then we can talk about it" whatever it is, there are ways to deal with them properly and she needs you to guide her with dealing with her negative feelings and emotions. Its important for her to know that her feelings are ALWAYS OK its just what we DO WITH THEM that mattters! and there are ways to express our feelings in a correct way.

↑ amother

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 3:33 pm

You may think this is too simple or weird but I will try to explain. It is good for those who are open to try it.

When going through hormone changes (if that is what it is), the body needs more calcium and teenagers need alot. More than 1,000 mg. a day. Soda and selzer, deplete calcium from the body. (Think how much milk teens drink and how much soda they drink!!) When trying this with my teenagers I saw a big improovement. Getting them to take it 2x a day is tricky. We did it to try it out. To see if it helped, how they would react when something upseting would happen. After taking for a few weeks you see it helping, then of course when they were acting out a number of times it is "Have you been taking your calcium?" Usualy its
'not the last couple of days'. Instead of being mad at them, its please take your calcium.
Don't bother with the cheaper brands calcium.
Hatzlacha.

grin

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 3:42 pm

that's really interesting. I've always been very pro-dairy, knowing the body needs it for strong bones and teeth but never knew about this. (I do know it affected my having leg-cramps during pregnancy.)
Anyhow, lately I've been making yogurt in a yogurt machine - comes out much cheaper that way - to encourage the non-milk-drinkers who happen to prefer yogurt.
I'm sure there are other ideas they may like. (One girl wolfs down white cheese straight from the carton.)
I'll start paying attn if it affects their moods.

↑ chanieTLS

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 10:39 pm

Yes, you can do bloodwork, you can do a bone density test, you can have a puberty exam. This doesn't change anything. Fully hormonal teenagers do not push their moms down the stairs and call them idiots. I will disagree with your doctor and suggest that your searches for a quick medical fix are not going to address this problem comprehensively.

As an aside, at home, we have a fully physically mature 13 year old girl and a 10 year old girl in the middle of the process.

greenfire

Mon, Dec 03 2007, 10:59 pm

hormones are raging at about 11 on both boys and girls ...

so while we can blame them for a lot of their outrageous behavior ... one must still seek help and guide them to choosing positive behavior ... this is the time before any more escalation ...

good luck!!!

morningstar

Tue, Dec 04 2007, 9:25 am

OP,are there consequences for an unwarranted outburst? When your daughter pushed you on the stairs, did you take any steps to show her that this was beyond acceptability?
Positive reinforcement for good behavior is only one part of the equation. Nothing is scarier for a child than feeling more powerful than the parent.

↑ Motek

Tue, Dec 04 2007, 8:27 pm

yy wrote:

since she's your oldest, this MIGHT just be your initiation into the wonderful world of being the mother of a teenager.

?!?!

If that's what you (and others) think it's like, boy, what brainwashing has been going on in the media!

amother wrote:

When going through hormone changes (if that is what it is), the body needs more calcium and teenagers need alot. More than 1,000 mg. a day.

Her daughter is 10, three years away from being a teenager.

I think that it's a good idea to see how much sugar and other junk she is eating and a multi-vitamin is good too.

greenfire wrote:

hormones are raging

and that means?

Quote:

at about 11 on both boys and girls ...

they develop at very different rates

greentiger wrote:

Before you try anything like a professional, did the OP try speaking to her daughter herself and seeing if she'll share what's bothering her?

Great question and one I wanted to ask OP. How about if you ask her, at a quiet, calm time, to tell you what's going on and specifically, what changed for her in the past six months?

also, as chanieTLS asked - what's going on in school?

triLcat ↓

Sun, Dec 09 2007, 1:42 am

First, you can give tums for calcium.
Second, my gut reaction is that something VERY SERIOUS happened. We don't like to talk about it in the frum community, but I was molested as a young child by someone who no one would have believed could do that.

I ended up needing 5 years of therapy despite it being an isolated and minor incident.

The child needs to go to a good therapist with assurances of confidentiality.

You need to let her talk one on one to the therapist,