My son disgusts me! I hate him sometimes!

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 9:15 pm

On the same note as last post, mothers please remember- if you can feel that strongly sometimes, please allow siblings to have their feelings,too!
I am all grown up now, but I have a special needs sibling who never got a clear diagnosis. I wish I had a nickel for all those times that some kid asked me, what is WRONG with your sibling? I had no good answer. This was years ago, my family got NO respite, the special ed yeshiva used up ALL our money, it was HARD...and I learned to be the perfect kid who never complained, the nachas machine. Let me tell you it is still something I struggle with, the anger, resentment, and yes, HATE.
Mothers, I know you would do ANYTHING for your special sibling, but save some of your energy and your sanity for the normal one,too. Give them time ALONE with you, time to express their feelings, good and ugly.
Read "The Normal One" by Jeane Safier, not to add to your burden but to understand how we might be feeling. Take your kid to Sibshops. Let them also be imperfect- it is the greatest gift you can give.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 9:29 pm

amother wrote:

I worry about this with my daughter. My son has adhd and sid. He can act up. To minimize the situation, I end up telling my daughter to help me. If her brother does something out of line, she can't react as a normal child because an upset normal child can make the other one go off the deep end. I truly worry about her always being "mommy's good girl." It is not fair to her. Thank you for understanding this. Others tell me not to look for problems because she is such an eidle girl.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 9:57 pm

Sibshop is short for sibling workshop - it brings together "normal" siblings for discussions and fun activities. I know they have one in Brooklyn - contact Bais Ezra for more info.
And to the other poster - some kids really ARE aidel, usually. But no one should have to be aidel all the time...or do chessed all the time. It's a balance that changes over time.
If you give space for her to have the gamut of normal feelings, that will help her get past them and develop a hopefully good relationship with her sibling. Forcing her to love the sibling will only backfire.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 10:20 pm

amother wrote:

She is his twin. They are naturally close; but he tortures her. I let her talk to me without her brother around. It just seems so unfair that she has to be so good so that he does not have a meltdown. I try to give her alone time. It is so easy for me to have her behave that I feel I make her be good so I can focus on her brother. Homework time, he gets almost all my attention to keep him on task. I am glad for the time when he is in shul or school so I can focus on her.

I second the poster who thanked you for answering.

↑ markmywords

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 10:47 pm

Inwaiting,
Your posts hurt me so much.
Based on your own life, your own professional work, you assume you know this woman and have a right to judge her and that your judgements help.
The fact that you expected a backlash should tell you that there's something wrong with your response.
You made NO effort to understand her. That's counseling 101.
You sound truly traumatized to the point of being unable to be compassionate and "meet the client where they are".
Op
Your feelings may not be productive, but they're surely not unique. You're obviously venting because you're hurt by his behaviors. His having special needs doesn't mean he isn't capable of hurting you. It just means that more of the responsibility of dealing, coping and moving beyond it lands on you.
You've been through a lot. You survived a year with all kids at home including a child who's needs demand more from you. You pushed for an appropriate school setting.
I think you need a parent support network to help you cope with things (but this would best follow an accurate diagnosis, so you know what you're dealing with and what kind of support to seek).
I think I'm in line for the same support myself. It's been a pretty tough year with terrible social isolation for both my child and myself. I'm not good for him because I'm living my life in fear of judgements. I need to find support and inner strength so I can do for him what he needs.
Op
Don't give up. It's hard, but with supports we, like others, will make it through and we'll help our kids.

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 23 2012, 12:14 am

inwaiting, I'm sorry the first amother that responded to you was anonymous. I agree with every name she called you except I'm posting under my own username. There's really something wrong with you--and I don't only mean your grammar (as a professional, no less).

I feel bad for your drooling 15 year-old (in your own words) that her mother is so devoid of compassion because she supposedly uses it up on all her clients...or not.

OP, disgust is a normal way to describe the feeling parent may have toward a child that challenging. Whether it is actual disgust or not doesn't make any difference; you are suffering. I am happy to hear that you are serious about getting a diagnosis for him.

Barbara

Mon, Jul 23 2012, 1:00 am

inwaiting wrote:

wow you really took apart what I said ....
it must mean something to you
I guess you are used to talk about a child like he is a garbage ,imagine if the child could read what she wrote here
if she feels in heart like this im sure that the child feels it too
and as a social worker for years I saw 100 of mothers like her ,instead of doing something about their problems and help themself and their child it comes down that they are disgusted by them ..bec they are more intrested what the friends and fam will say
yeah greenfire you can have the last word if you want ,but it ends up where will this child be if the mother goes on like this ...it is not always hugs and kisses sometimes we have to shape up and wake up

the only way to make our dreams come true is WAKE UP !!!!

Did you talk to your clients this way? What about your daughter? Do you show them as little empathy as you do the OP?

You criticize the OP for venting about her difficult child. Yes, using harsh words, but clearly as part of a vent about her life, and the toll that her child is taking on her. Most parents have had similar thoughts after a particularly challenging day, even with children who are less challenging than OP's, all the while still adoring their kids and being excellent parents

There's no evidence at all that the OP has ever talked to or treated anyone like garbage. As to Greenfire, I know her to be a wonderful and empathetic mother who would -- and does -- give everything in her power for her kids. The world would be a better place if everyone had a mother half as good as Greenfire.

You, on the other hand, have treated others like garbage. In your nastiness and your accusations towards others who are simply being human. Who are simply trying to let off steam, have a shoulder to cry on before they soldier on.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Jul 23 2012, 1:40 am

Dear amother,
I have a special needs child also, your posting has really helped me, it is god to see that I am not alone in my challenge and struggle, all I can say it that it is really really hard... I know how you feel... my child has also been out of school this year.. I hope things get better in sep when he starts hos special needs school, hugs amother

sneakermom

Mon, Jul 23 2012, 9:48 am

OP first of all it is totally normal to feel triggered and disgust when raising kids. It happens. We raise our kids with our heart and souls and are exposed to all possible circumstances. And as feeling people.....there is no end to the variety of feelings we are met with. It's normal.

It was mature and brave to admit to yourself your feelings, to take the time to write them out and to want chizzuk and a way to work this through.

Sometimes when we are in the middle of dealing with a difficult situation we feel panic and despair. We don't know how to get out of this. The fear is overwhelming.

But your situation sounds workable.

I would forget right now whether he was molested or not. Sounds like a time waster. I would get him a proper diagnosis. That is important for two reasons. It gives clarity as to what is causing the behavior and how to treat it. And it will make services available to him.

Your little boy sounds like he needs OT the way the rest of us need air to breathe or water to drink. Seriously. He must must get that. Ordinary therapy is not addressing that need at all. It can only focus on the psychological aspect which is a reaction to his sensory issues.

Once your child's underlying needs will be met, and you will be briefed by the OT on how to handle your little boy I think things will calm down a lot.

And finally take a lot of breaks for yourself. Take time out to go somewhere you enjoy alone pamper yourself a bit. If you can open your son up to making a relationship with a babysitter, an aunt, or neighbor someone else who can help put some love into him is also very helpful.

You are a strong woman. Step by step you will get your child the help he needs. True disgust is not a pleasant feeling. But it is instructive. It is making you aware that something needs to be done. And it is in you power to do so.

Hatzlacha!

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Jul 23 2012, 11:02 am

OP I just attended a workshop on sensory issues for children on the spectrum . The issue of s-xual curiosity came up , the instructor said that these children are someties keen imitators of random things they see... the example given reminded me of this thread and what your child did .

she said that : by example a child might see 2 dogs sniffing or licking eachother and then inocently assume the behaviour is ok for humans. she said it is importand to take off the deviance glasses and look at the whole picture ,she also said it is imperative to educate them on good touch /bad touch as they can be targeted by pedohiles because they inocently seek the stimulation like horsey,tickle and to grab .

In my community we have online courses for parents of kids with ASD the knowledge is a HUGE emotional relief so I encourage you to you to go your ped get a referral to a specialist and get a propper assesment done so you can acces info and relief services.

I learned that long term the biggest risk for kids on the spectrum is depression and antisocial behaviour as a result of social alienantion and isolation.

Best of luck

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Jul 23 2012, 11:11 am

yummy2 wrote:

I figured from the name that that's what it is, but does the gifted child attend too or is this for the siblings only?
thank you by the way for responding Smile

Sibshops are for the the "normal" siblings only. They are run by social workers and aim to give kids a chance to meet other kids in their situation. It's pretty new in the frum world.

clichy ↓

Sat, Jul 28 2012, 3:31 pm

I feel so sad for your son
instead of loving him and doing something about it you come here and give it all out
as much as he needs help you need it more !!
and all imamothers that will rant back at me dont even start ..

THIS MESSAGE IS FOR INWAITING
PLEASE TRY TO BE A BIT MORE SENSITIVE TO PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING THROUGH IN THEIR LIFE. YOU SOUND TO ME LIKE A PERSON THAT CAN RATHER RUIN THEN BUILD...
I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR PROFESSION IS, BUT TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER WHEN THEY ARE IN DEEP PAIN INSTEAD OF PUTTING THEM DOWN LIKE THIS. AND IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF DOING THAT JUST STAY QUIET.
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE

↑ clichy

Sat, Jul 28 2012, 3:38 pm

Barbara wrote:

inwaiting wrote:

DEAR BARBARA
EVERY WORD IS WORTH A MILLION

↑ amother

Sat, Nov 10 2012, 10:37 pm

I know this is an old post and I hope by now things have eased up. I have two children with sensory needs. I didn't read all the posts because of all the bashing and I'm sorry that people reacted the way they did. I would recommend reading up about sensory issues, The Out Of Sync Child, is one good option. I would also recommend checking out online therapy supply stores such and funandfunction.com for different safe this products that your ds can put in his mouth. I remember I had gotten for my ds (don't remember from where,sorry) chewelery and also a chew buddy. I know that ppl suggested OT and by now I hope your ds has a good OT because although not always understood it really really helps. If I can offer any more assistance, please let me know. Hatzlacha.