My son disgusts me! I hate him sometimes!

abound

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 8:13 am

inwaiting wrote:

I am BH a good person and I do know what means a special needs child
I have one myself I love her with all my heart even she drools around the house she cant talk and I am her full time nurse bathing feeding and all her medical needs ,but she is the sunshine from our lives ,did I forget to mentoin that she is already 15?

No one can ever take their situation and say it is the same or comparable to someone else. But in this situation it is so glaringly obvious what the difference is. You walk around with a very obvious special needs child. No one who see's you thinks, what is wrong with this mother that this child does not talk etc. With other people, the children are considered "normal". People expect them to behave the same as other children their age and when they don't people think there is something wrong with the mother, and sometimes even vocalize it. You cannot explain anything to the people around you because the child is smart enough to understand. To complicate the matter, it takes a long time to get a diagnosis and even after that the mother herself is not sure that she is doing enough to get his child to behave, so maybe it is her fault. When someone has an autistic or down syndrome child or something straight forward like that, they do not second guess them and neither do the people around them.
Is it sad for this child- maybe, but this mother loves her son and it is hard for her too! Encourage her don't push her over the cliff with more self doubt.

shirachadasha

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 8:21 am

inwaiting wrote:

I feel so sad for your son
instead of loving him and doing something about it you come here and give it all out
as much as he needs help you need it more !!
and all imamothers that will rant back at me dont even start ..

Better for OP to rant here than to rant at her son or take it out on her husband or blame it on the school or the other children's parents.
OP is not choosing to rant instead of getting help. She is letting her hair down in a safe place and (judging by her initial and subsequent posts) she is honestly interested in responses.
Keep ranting, OP. We are here for you.
May we all be blessed with wonderful children and the patience to deal with them when that's what they need.

greenfire ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 10:57 am

inwaiting wrote:

first off this place is a 'safe haven' one in which you cannot attack a poster for her feelings

second did you ever hear of unconditional love where you don't like the person because of their behaviors yet do whatever you can for them because you are the nurturer ... doesn't mean it comes easy

most importantly don't put yourself on a pedestal by putting the OP down ~ I don't care what kind of mother you think you are to your 15 year old ... not everybody has the same challenges even with similar health issues ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to the OP be strong & stay strong even if you have to make a supercape ... then continue to vent as needed it's your god given right

↑ greenfire

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 11:43 am

inwaiting wrote:

yeah you are a old one here greenfire you must feel you own it here ,dont get all offensive

I barely come on here ~ I do believe yael owns this site

inwaiting wrote:

I can have my opinion

everybody can have an opinion ~ but yours is RUDE

inwaiting wrote:

read the title she could of used a different one but she used the one that her son disgust her ,and that was disgusting to me

when someone is distressed and living a difficult challenge - straying from truthful feelings doesn't make it sweeter - it is what it is

inwaiting wrote:

and in no case did I try to put the mother down

let me then remind you of what you wrote {again Rolling Eyes

}

inwaiting wrote:

instead of loving him and doing something about it you come here and give it all out
as much as he needs help you need it more !!
and all imamothers that will rant back at me dont even start ..

↑ inwaiting ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 11:56 am

wow you really took apart what I said ....
it must mean something to you
I guess you are used to talk about a child like he is a garbage ,imagine if the child could read what she wrote here
if she feels in heart like this im sure that the child feels it too
and as a social worker for years I saw 100 of mothers like her ,instead of doing something about their problems and help themself and their child it comes down that they are disgusted by them ..bec they are more intrested what the friends and fam will say
yeah greenfire you can have the last word if you want ,but it ends up where will this child be if the mother goes on like this ...it is not always hugs and kisses sometimes we have to shape up and wake up

the only way to make our dreams come true is WAKE UP !!!!

yummy2 ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 12:27 pm

My goodness. I've been following this thread but had no time to post. Op I' so sorry for what you're dealing with. I know you love your son with all your heart, & you have every right to feel the way you do. This is a safe place for mothers like us. My son has adhd too, acts extremely silly in public, he's 9. To say I want the floor to open sometimes beneath me when he acts silly in public is an understatement. I come home in tears. He hypes up my daughter who is younger than him to act all silly & things turn into a circus. He has been on medication for im.pulse control & adhd many times before, but due to each side affect he was taken off & put on new ones. At this point, since he can not be on any meds at all, we took an alternate route. We were introduced to behavior theray, & let me tell you, it is Baruch Hashem changing our lives!! Yes it costs a fortune, but he is our child. Regarding yeshivas? Don't even get me started! No one realy caters to adhd children. Classes mostly have close to 30 kids. One small disruption, child gets sent out! Sent to a younger grade. Belittled instead of building self esteem. Then we wonder why so many of our sweet children go otd, end up on drugs lo uleinu. I called the board of ed to see how they can help, they say as long as the child is ok achedemichaly, can read write & spell, he does not get a thing from them. BH does not belong in a special ed school. But where then?! These children didn't ask to be born this way. Adhd, sensory issues, downs syndrome, autistic. Whatever the diagnosis, whatever the family size, however we choose to express our pain, hurt, frustration... Why are we turning on one another? I thought this was a safe haven where we unite! Please let's stay strong & supportive. We're all in galus, we each have our own nisyonos, let's be considerate. Op, I wish you much ko'ach, menuchas hanefesh, & all you need, to deal with your gifted dear child.

anon for this ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 1:13 pm

inwaiting wrote:

From your posts you seem to be a wonderful mother to your dd, it's obivous that she's very lucky to have you.

Please try to understand the OP also though, and read her posts carefully and with compasssion. While OP may not feel like she did "enough" therapy-wise for her ds, she spent a lot of time with him and her younger children. She tried therapy but couldn't find one that seemed to be a good fit for her ds and family. And she managed to enroll him into a Jewish school that will fit his needs--this probably wasn't easy to do.

Yet this mother is human and sometimes feels disgust at his behavior. She feels that she needs to vent about it and is seeking support and ideas to encourage her to give the help her son needs. She doesn't do this in front of her son, she's posting anonymously on a message board, so she can't be overheard.

Lots of parents, especially mothers, feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about how their special-needs children behave in public. It's to your credit that you don't feel that way about your dd. But it's a normal way to feel, please don't fault OP for it. Having her special-needs son home for the past year must have been incredibly difficult.

OP, I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I don't have any good advice to offer, but wanted to post to give support. Perhaps when your ds is in an appropriate school you will have more "breathing space" and may want to consider trying OT again.

↑ inwaiting ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 1:51 pm

in the field of so much abused and unloved children,I always and im saying always take the child side
they cant defend themself ,instead of having a mother to be her childs lawyer and fight for his rights ,she is turning to a website (a safe haven as you all claim) and putting down her real feelings what she thinks of her child
and what does she think about him ?that he disgusts her and sometimes she hates him ..
I cant and I wont even try to make you understand what this means but it is sure not a good sign
hope she finds the right help

just a thought, if you all really want to support her then dont feel so bad for her ,there are ways to help someone pity isnt one of them

↑ yummy2 ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 2:02 pm

You seem to have missed the part where op clearly wrote she has gone through therapy, wasnt happy & plans to be on top of the situation. She did research on schools, & found a new one for him for the coming year.
She's not sitting hands folded throwing him to the wolves. She is doing her part to help her son in his challanges in life.
She feels lost & overwhelmed herself. So yes, coming here to a website to vent is a great idea, than on giving it out on ds or dh.

ChutzPAh

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 2:03 pm

inwaiting wrote:

You claim you are a mental health professional, but I've never heard one be as uncompassionate as you are toward the op. She is hurting, and you are making her wounds worse.

↑ inwaiting ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 2:31 pm

I am in israel so mayby thats why im more frank that all of you
again I dont see where I put the mother down ,lets say if I come into a private meeting and give my opinion thats something else .but here it is a open meeting I take the childs side tell me whats so wrong with that ?
you are assuming whats going on by her ..I unfortunly know.
your hair would stand up the stories we saw and are involved
I guess you all dont have a clue

↑ anon for this

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 2:54 pm

inwaiting wrote:

Actually, none of us can know the OP's situation; we can only know her by her posts. But if you read carefully, you'd see that in the same posts in which she expresses her disgust with her son's behavior, she also describes some of what she's done to help him. If you're willing to judge her for her privately expressed feelings, then you should also give her credit for her advocacy on his behalf. How, exactly, are your comments about the OP helping her son for whom she's done so much?

↑ inwaiting

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 3:14 pm

I see I have a different outlook on life than you
and I dont understand where you all going with this (in circles)
my goal is to go from plan A to plan B and find a way to get on
your way is supporting by pity and nebeching her
that will get her more in the dumps ,but you think this is the way so be it
and I do know whats going on by her bec the MO is all the same different child same story
I wish you and her all the best

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jul 22 2012, 3:15 pm

inwaiting wrote:

you got a point there ..
every special needs is different
but I do think that till the parents dont accept the child and go for help they will suffer and the child will suffer
looks like she has a way to go .
and im not sure she will get the help here on this site as every one is here is giving random advice

I"m sorry but I don't think that's true. Our son was diagnosed with PDD NOS, with a 'hint' of Aspergers. You can get help, but trust me if the child doesn't want to be helped, they won't be. Did anyone else read the article 'My Son Dovid' in the Mishpacha this week? I could have written it myself, however we're not at the end of our story yet. I am learning to separate myself from my child's actions. His choices are not mine.

It's a horrible feeling to be a mother and love and hate your child at the same time. It's a very hard feeling to describe. Don't listen to others judge you or your feelings.

I understand the OP, I'm so glad that you have a school for him next year. Get all the help you can, while you can. It wasn't available so easily where I live, and now we live with the results.
This should be a safe place to vent.....