is it really impossible to go home with twins?

amother ↓

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 3:12 am

my sil had twins b"h - they are her first and she didn't have kids for a very long time.
She had a c-section and both twins are quite big - regular new born weights b"h evrything is fine with them and they even think the boy's bris will be on time.
obviously everyone is very exited and emotional, and everyone from her mom to her mil to the neighbours are telling her she can't possibly go home from the hospital. b"h all will go well she will be six days after birth when the hospital discharges her and everyone is telling her she absalutly must go to a beit hachlama for a week and then to her mom's for at least another six weeks.
The problem is she can not afford the beit hachlama and her mom (my mil) is not well at all and keeps telling me how worried she is, it is very hard for her to walk or stand and she is in a lot of pain a lot of the time, she keeps telling me she willl not be able to help my sil at all with the babies and even the extra cooking and laundry will be a challange.

I am not going to say anything of course since it is none of my bussiness so besides for trying to reasure my mil and bringing over some cooked food there is nothing I can or want to do, I was just wondering for my own curiosity. Is it really impossible to go home with twins after a c-section?

The reason I'm asking (even though I wont do anything with the info) is because when I had my first (regular birth regular baby b"h) everyone was telling me it will be impossible for me to take care of her on my own and that I must go to my mom's for at least a month, well I wanted to go home and I did despite all the shoked looks I got. it was the single best dicision of my life and those first few months alone with my husband and baby was the best period of my life so I was wondering if its the same thing or is twins really so much harder or is it the c-sectin that makes it impossible?

shalhevet ↓

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 4:18 am

IMHO she should go to a tzedaka organization and ask for money for the beit hachlama. Also if she calls up Telz Stone (I presume she is in EY from the way you write) they know of organizations that help financially. Can you organize some relatives together to give her a gift of a lump sum to help pay for this (possibly also from your maaser - ask your LOR).

I have never had twins, but as far as I understand you can expect very little sleep. And she is recovering from surgery. She needs to at least rest between feeds. Can her dh take off a week from work?

I also agree she shouldn't go to her mother if her mother can't manage.

Look, in the end anyone can manage anything if you have to. The question is if she manages fine at the beginning and starts to feel the effects three months along the road.

IloveHashem613

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 7:53 am

amother wrote:

Don't you love how people give unsolicited advice and just because they had a certain experience, they go around telling people "its impossible to go home after a c-section with twins or when someone just had a baby". I'm not saying whether I agree or not because I have no experience on having a c-section or having twins, but first of all, if your mil is not well and doesn't feel she can handle helping your sis, she should absolutely not go there, imo. Also, tons of people were suprised when I came straight home with my baby and they were telling me how exhausted I'd feel and sore and b"h bli ayin hara I had a really great, easy recover. But that's with only one baby and it was a natural birth. Your sis should make her own decisions and do what's right for her, not what everyone else says "must be done".

↑ Marion

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 8:00 am

I must also say...not everyone can handle being away. It's bad enough for me the 2 days I'm in the hospital (please G-d, not next time around)...I need my own bed, and my own shower, and my own kitchen, and my own food, and my own clothes, and my own "schedule" (even if there's no schedule). We stayed with my ILs the week BEFORE DS#1 arrived because I couldn't climb the stairs to our apartment and Thursday morning I said to DH "I don't care how much it hurts, I need to sleep in my own bed tonight". I needed my own space. (In the end, of course, I didn't sleep because I was in active labour, but who knew that 18 hours earlier?)

She might LOVE to have help, but it might be better for her at home.

imaima

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 8:04 am

amother wrote:

WHat do you think all the other people do who live in places without beit hachlama??? What do non jews do who DO NOT HAVE anything such as a beit hachlama??? Sometimes they do not even have a community to cook for them, and only have a handful of friends and relatives??

Guess what? They manage!!!

↑ shalhevet

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 9:00 am

imaima wrote:

amother wrote:

Sorry, do you know that there are people who live in mud huts and only eat rice and they manage? Or have no medical facilities and they manage (or not)? So what?

Being sensible is trying to forestall possible problems - physical, emotional or PPD whether it's now or in six months or a year. The Torah sees a regular yoledet, not with twins, and not after a CS as a cholah for 30 days. If something can done to help this yoledet so she will do more than just 'manage' and have more strength, why shouldn't people? Maybe people don't go away, maybe they hire a nurse or cleaning help or freeze ahead or their husband or mother or sister comes to help.

Not everyone needs or wants a bet hachlama, but it is a big chessed that it is available. Jews have almost always lived in communities for thousands of years - and yes, we help each other. And it was exactly for women whose mothers couldn't help them that battei hachlama were begun - the Telz Stone one was an offshoot of an orphanage in Yerushalayim for its graduates, and in Bnei Brak it began in the 50s when many women giving birth were Holocaust survivors without family.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 9:11 am

End of the day no matter how indenpendent you are and how much 'u like ur own bed' majority of people wud say that the help they got after their baby (even 1) was amazing or really helpful. OP, you are a kind sis inlaw looking out for her, I would love for you to be my sis inlaw...
I live OOT and had no option to go to my mother for various reasons, so she came to me! While it was the best help I had (I had a c section), she did EVERYTHING for me . I iddnt do anything except feed my baby. However, I did feel bad for her becasue in her own house she wudnt need to clean or do laundry bc she has a lady, but here she was on her hands and knees scrubbing my toilets.
Her help was indespensible. I cannot imagine coming home to having to start doing laundry.

life'sgreat ↓

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 9:41 am

shalhevet wrote:

It would be really really tough to be alone without any help after the birth of twins, let alone after a C section. I can't imagine trying to hold TWO babies while still in pain from a C.

OP, it's possible to go home without help. I did. I went to a 'bet hachlama' for a few short days because everyone said I should :rolleyes:, and then came home. It was tough, tough, tough. Two screaming babies while you're trying to set up your nursing pillow, then trying to burp a very fussy gassy baby while the sister is still eating etc... is tough without a C. It's doable, but it's really tough.

I'm feeling the repercussions now, at 8 weeks. I'm still way more tired and weaker than I should be.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 9:42 am

My friend went home with twins after c section, maybe 6 days after birth (normal stay here for a first is 4, add 1 for a c section or twins).

I don't have all the details but it was clear it was very hard (she is a rather delicate girl), especially the recovery and the nights, but her husband handled nights almost alone in the beginning, and now that they are months and months older he still does a lot though he has gone back to work. They are looking for a daycare because she says they start moving around a lot and she cant handle two at once.

I asked her (inspired by imamother) if she had a night nurse, she said even her rich friends don't have.

In any case take all the help you can!!

ellie23 ↓

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 9:43 am

wow I am so glad you posted this, OP. I had twins and they were also my first and everyone also told me I couldnt care for them on my own (I also had a C btw) and that I need to go to a "home" etc....well, I refused to go to a home, I had been through enough of an ordeal and I just wanted to go home!! so thats just what I did! I lived by my mom for a couple of weeks but I basically took care of the little ones myself I just didnt have to worry about cooking, cleaning etc (a huge help!)...after that I went home, and even had shabbos guests and did everything I needed to for my babies!! you can give her chizzuk that she absolutely can take care of her babies and doesnt need to go anywhere but home if she would like....she should just try to find whatever help she can in whatever area she prefers..if cooking is tough for her she should have someone arranging meals for her if possible. get a cleaning lady! and get a babysitter so she can go out without the babies for a few hours! but she CAN do it if she has the will!!!

↑ life'sgreat ↓

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 9:58 am

ellie23 wrote:

Going to your mom and having the rest of life taken off your shoulders is a biggie. That's not 'going home'. I'm not saying there's something wrong, but being home alone with twins after a C is very different than being anywhere else with another human being.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Sep 27 2011, 10:09 am

It's her life, and at the end of the day she should make whatever decision she feels is best, regardless of what everyone is telling her. But since you asked our opinion, I DON'T think it's a wise idea for a woman to go home from the hospital after surgery with 2 newborns. Is it possible? Yes, but it's really a last resort. I am not an alarmist, and after my ds I went home because there was no where else to go. My mom came for a few days to cook and clean and change a few diapers (I was nursing, and she couldn't do night duty), but that was it. That was a vaginal birth, and 1 baby, and my recovery was difficult. I have no idea how anyone can manage 2 needy newborns while recovering from surgery.

If I were in her place, I would find the money- whether from savings, loans, or tzedaka organizations- and spend freely on help. Whether bet hachlama or a baby nurse at home, it's a personal decision. Otherwise, I think someone is just putting herself at high, high risk for physical complications and PPD. I would pay lots of money to prevent that. And no, her mother shouldn't have to suffer either. If you can help her make the arrangements for a setup at home with nurses or at a bet hachlama, it would be a huge chesed.