STILL way overwhelmed-help me out here

hinda ↓

Sat, Dec 26 2009, 8:54 pm

My twins are now 9 weeks old. People DO want to come help,but some aren't helpful.That's issue number 1.Issue number 2 is that my dh thinks its getting so much easier with them and yet I am still feeling WAY overwhelmed. Every time I hear him say that,I cringe and start self doubting myself.I'm not sure what to do.Seems he and my 19 year old niece who was here helping us temporarily have a sixth sense about babies,their needs and their schedules which I just don't possesses.Its embarrassing that when I'm trying to process out loud how to take better care of them and how to schedule them and who will do what,my dh and niece have all the answers and I have none.I didn't feel any of this with my singleton and the feeling of incompetence makes me extremely sad and worried.
I have also been debating whether or not what Ive been feeling is ppd or plain anxiety and what I should be doing about it.Have been debating about taking meds for weeks,have seen a psychiatrist,my therapist etc and still am trying to manage without the meds.
3.MY dh works from home but has been doing more childcare than anything since I'm finding juggling two just so difficult!!
My therapist seems to think I can manage my anxiety if I realize the causes,what I can and have done about it to manage and if I keep getting help and take one day at a time.Did ANY of you experience any of this??
Lastly.Id like to tandem feed them but bought the wrong fancy chair to do so.Did anyone find a particular chair or pillow super greta for their twins/I have the EX twin pillow,but my chair has high rigid sides and is not a comfortable fit.It would be sad to throw in the nursing towel after I albored to come to a good place about it finally after much debate, effort and lOTS of tears.
Also, when non fmaily members want to help what do you ask them to do and how do you get them to leave once th ekids are napping and you want some alone time??

Hodu Lashem ↓

Sat, Dec 26 2009, 9:05 pm

Quote:

People DO want to come help,but some aren't helpful.

If they aren't being helpful, maybe they don't know what needs to be done. Just direct them to what you need to get done or just don't ask them back to help.

Quote:

Did anyone find a particular chair or pillow super greta for their twins

This was the pillow I used to nurse my twins:
http://www.ababy.com/itempage......afeed

Quote:

Also, when non fmaily members want to help what do you ask them to do and how do you get them to leave once th ekids are napping and you want some alone time??

I would ask them to hold the baby, change the babies diapers. Do the dishes. Fold the laundry. In short, whatever you need done! If the babies are napping and you want some alone time, just tell the person in a nice way "Thank you so much for all your help! I think I can handle things for now. Can I call you again in case I need you?"

mommy7 ↓

Sat, Dec 26 2009, 9:46 pm

Ahhhhh! I'm in the same boat as you, except I don't have any family members living close by! I've seriously considered asking the mailman to hold a kid for a second when he comes just so I can go to the bathroom. Boy am I thrilled to hear someone else feels completely overwhelmed.

One of my friends made me feel a lot better by telling me the following: She had twin girls + a 2 yr old son. On shabbos morning, when her husband went to shul, she used to watch the clock. If he said he'd be home at 11:45, and the clock said 11:46, she would start crying.

Funny story #2: My friend has identical girls, and when they were tiny, she fed #1 at 2am, put her back in the basinette, went to sleep, woke up b/c a baby was hungry, went to get #2, and discovered that #1 was crying. So she starting crying hysterically, because she could have sworn she'd fed #1, and now she didn't even remember which baby she fed, and she couldn't even tell her own kids apart or remember which crib she put each one in. And then her husband came and put his arm around her and said, "I'm so sorry, I switched them to make it easier for you to reach the one who wasn't fed yet."

One night, at 3am, I found myself laughing/crying because they were BOTH screaming, I was 3 wks after a horrible c-section, and I just sat on the bed for five minutes looking back and forth at them because I was so tired I couldn't even figure out what I was supposed to do first.

You are not alone out there. Having twins is just absolutely crazy. Sure your niece or whoever can keep it straight in THEIR head. They're not pp, sleep-deprived and ultimately responsible for these two tiny screeching humans.

Get chicken soup for the soul for twins and multiples. My sister-in-law got it for me and there are some great life-is-insane-with-twins stories in there.

Re the chair: I got a terrific chair at Toys R Us last week. They are having a floor sample sale on Rock-A-Byes. A fully upholstered rocking chair is usually wider than the wooden frame ones. And try an actual chair b/4 you buy. Some are surprisingly uncomfortable.

Also: I use EZ nurse twins pillow. Look it up online. It's stiffer and bigger than a Boppy and holds the babies better. I do tandem nursing, one across my lap and one football, with the football's head on the lap's feet. But everyone is comfortable nursing a different way. Keep trying till you get it!

↑ Hodu Lashem

Sat, Dec 26 2009, 9:53 pm

I did the double football position as shown in the picture with the above pillow. I also fed them at the same time so I never had the problem with trying to figure out who I fed or not. Even if one was sleeping, I would wake up the other one, figuring he would wake up soon anyway and this way I've fed both and can have a break to sleep or whatever.

Last edited by Hodu Lashem on Sat, Dec 26 2009, 11:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

sneakermom

Sat, Dec 26 2009, 9:55 pm

Of course your husband and niece have all the answers.

Their body didn't carry the twins for about nine months
Their body didn't have to deliver them one way or another
Their body isn't postpartum, weak and full of raging hormones
Their body isn't nursing or weaning (whichever)

These baby's came into their life through you.

And if you start berating yourself in your mind a lot tell yourself that it's the depression or raging hormones talking. It isn't reality.

Take as much help as possible. Be glad they can do it. And remember you will always be the mother to these babies...and I'm sure a good one at that.

↑ hinda ↓

Sat, Dec 26 2009, 11:31 pm

You guys are the best!! Thanks for all the support.Yes, I carried them to term and bh have had an easy recovery physically-not emotionally. I think that's why I'm SO sensitive.Have been having postpartum anxiety any comment people make is suddenly so devastating though I was never like this before ;-( My dh has been doing the 4 a.m. feeding,so he looks more tired some days than I do and I hear about it from everyone. He has made his family his sole focus for now,but Im not sure how Id be doing if he wasn't the involved dad that he is.So its a catch 22.I need his help,but yet wish I felt more comfortable and confident doing more of it on my own.No, we don't have family nearby-hence the visiting niece- and are quite isolated an d not in a frum community,so it doubles the impact of the isolation and the 'feeling normal-or not normal-postpartum.
I know the time will pass.Has anyone wished the time would pass more quickly or is it just me? I love that they are small and do love when they-and I-are calm and I try to be in the moment,but somehow I cant wait til it all gets easier-I'm hoping the 3 month mark will be when I breathe a little sigh of relief...hope I wont be disappointed.Did anyone feel three months was a magic milestone?

Sun, Dec 27 2009, 12:31 am

mommy7 wrote:

One of my friends made me feel a lot better by telling me the following: She had twin girls + a 2 yr old son. On shabbos morning, when her husband went to shul, she used to watch the clock. If he said he'd be home at 11:45, and the clock said 11:46, she would start crying.

This was me, totally

sneakermom wrote:

Completely agree.

Hinda, I hear you loud and clear. I used to pray that I could just close my eyes and open them to with everything being magically past a milestone.

I B"H had two single births, then twins, and as much as I love my big kids to pieces, my twins are a total highlight to my life (they are 16 mo now, B"H). That said, it was the absolutely hardest thing for me to ever, ever do, and it is still a juggle even though it is infinitely easier than those first days. I found that everything took me exactly twice as long to go through the healing stages: four weeks how I normally felt two weeks post partum (that's when I was able to start functioning on a basic level with cooking a very basic supper), twelve weeks for my normal six week recovery (beginning to take on a few work responsibilities and not need babysitting help every single day), six months for my normal three month "almost back to normal", etc. You can give yourself a LOT of slack for being only 9 weeks post partum. Each day still makes a difference at this point.

↑ hinda

Sun, Dec 27 2009, 10:06 am

In addition to my anxiety issues, I also went straight from postpartum bleeding into a full fledged period.Now Im really scared about getting on birth control.They scared me about 'oops babies' and told me even though I had LOTS of trouble conceiving I could potentially become pg again now.Did anyone else do something so they wouldnt get pg? I expect anonymous answers or private messages to answer this question,but Im so scared and going to a new gyn to talk about this.I dont want anything hormonal based-so what are my realistic options?
Also,we did have a postpartum doula 3 nights aweek,but that ended.I still want to hire someone on ocassion just need my dh to think of it as a necessity.He keeps saying he'll wake up-and he will-but the lack of a full night's sleep is affecting him big time-though he wont admit it.
I do want some help babysitting etc,but am not able yet to plan exactly what times are the best on any given day at least until I see the timing of how the day begins.Of course,we are trying to keep them on some sort of schedule,but they are little humans and just because I read a good tactic,doesnt mean it will work esp with twins.Is there any great twin book and or website out there that any of you has read about raising and scheduling infant twins without making yourself insane in the process?
Lastly,one of my twins is agood feeder and settles down and sleeps. The other is very fussy and gassy and constantly needs to be burped,held etc She latches and unlatches while feeding and seems to consume lots of care time.She is a happy kid and the biggest smiler,but sometimes I become impatient with her.oy.

↑ mommy7

Sun, Dec 27 2009, 10:24 am

Good luck getting posts on BC, the anon feature is disabled. Try some of the threads in the BC section, or post there.

mention your dd fussiness to the pediatrician. Maybe it's reflux? Try gripewater.

You have to have nerves of steel to do this, but keep waking your babies up between 6pm and 11pm. After 5 hrs of barely any sleep, they'll usually go for a good stretch at night.

Help: try figuring out what's hardest for you. Meal prep--spend $ on someone who cooks meals 4 ppl, and freeze several weeks' worth. Cleaning--just get a cleaning lady more often. Child care--hire a baby nurse or night nurse.

$ definitely helps. But if you can't afford to hire help, get ppl like your niece to help you out with cooking in advance, so that even when she's gone, her help is still sitting in your freezer Smile

Mirabelle ↓

Sun, Dec 27 2009, 2:49 pm

Hinda,
We should "talk" over PM, my twins are 11 weeks old, but I believe you and I had very similar due dates (my 40 week due date was Nov 14th) so they are probably the same developmental "age".

Anyhoo, yes, it is HARD! I do not have any family here, but I have found a woman that comes one day a week for four hours just to let me get out of the house, even if I have nothing to do. It's not so much money and a total G-dsend! Tell your husband that you need it! I also have tried to weed out the people who say that they want to come help but really don't or say that they can handle twins but really cannot. Also, if you have someone that you are paying you can expect more out of them and also expect them to show up.

Also, it seems like the twins are getting on some sort of schedule, although of course it's two different schedules, so DH and I try to split the night feedings. Also, whenever there is a situation when one of us can sleep in we take turns. This is very hard for us because we also have a 3 year old that gets up at 7 am, but we do what we can.

Also, I also have one more kvetchy twin and one twin that is basically an angel baby. It's very hard to not feel frustrated with the kvetchy twin. What can I say, we are doing the best we can!

Oddly enough as frustrated as it gets at times I really think I had a harder time adjusting to my first child and parenthood in general. Also, I can look at my first child and know that there will come a time when the twins will sleep and life will calm down!

vicki

Wed, Jun 22 2011, 7:55 pm

mommy7 wrote:

You are not alone out there. Having twins is just absolutely crazy. Sure your niece or whoever can keep it straight in THEIR head. They're not pp, sleep-deprived and ultimately responsible for these two tiny screeching humans.

I was going to say just that. It is pretty easy for someone only helping out for a short period of time and not sleep deprived or post-partem to be clear-headed. But not so easy for the Mom who is ultimately responsible 24/7 for not one but TWO babies, has barely slept in 9 weeks and needs to look way beyond the one next feeding. Give yourself a break - you can't be expected to do any better than you are doing and I think you are doing great!!