Annual school dinner...don't want to go...WWYD?

amother ↓

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 6:07 pm

I am shy and hate big social events. I also don't like going out in the evenings and leaving my children with a babysitter. I have a young baby who's exclusively nursing. So I don't want to go to the school dinner, but I just got called by the school with them saying how important it is for everyone to go. I know it's hakaras hatov and kavod for everyone at the school who's involved in being mechanech my children. But I just don't like these sort of situations at all. I feel like people are judging my sheitel and my clothes and I never measure up. I am not interested in the shmoozing with these people. I don't like the speeches where they talk about the school in such grandiose flowery terms. It sounds so fake to me. And then the endless kissing up to the rich people and the machers in the school. If you are from an ordinary family your job is just to sit there and clap and look appreciative. I don't want to go. WWYD?

Marion ↓

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 7:46 pm

Skip the event. You pay tuition? That's your hakarat hatov. You volunteer your time to accompany field trips, make costumes for the class play, pain a set? That's hakarat hatov. You send a modest gift for the teacher (or tip, if that's the accepted practice in your community) at the right times? That's hakarat hatov.

I DON'T believe in big lavish fundraisers (that's what this sounds like it is) that say "look how great we are, give us more money!". And if this isn't a fundraiser, why isn't that money being used for chinuch purposes???? (For the record, it also gets my goat when an organization I donate to sends me a big glossy calendar for RH, or a quarterly update. I didn't give you money so you can spend it on printing and postage!!!!!)

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 8:08 pm

I also hate these dinners. We end up putchasing the big journal ad because we have no one to fundraise to, so they come with 2 tickets to the dinner. I always feel like I've chosen the wrong outfit and that everyone is mocking my sheitel. Worse, they ALWAYS put me at a table with a group of people I;m not friendly with at all. No matter what the dinner is...school, shul, high school. Drives me nuts. DH wanted to go to the yeshiva dinner a few weeks ago. I told him I didn't want to because I hate always being put with these people. He didn't want to go alone, so he told the man in charge not to put me with this group of women!

I try to look at it as an evening where I will actually get to eat a full dinner and be served! Not have to worry about cooking and cleaning up. It's fun schmoozing with dh there and back. At this last dinner, I just decided to wear what I wanted and didn't reall y care who thought what. (EVERY woman wears black suits to these events, but I have a beautiful blue maternity outfit that I absolutely love, and don't have many occasions to wear it while I'm pregnant, so I like to wear it when I can!)

So, maybe just try to pick one thing that might be nice in the evening (like getting to sit down and eat dinner or schmoozing with dh!)

SingALong

Wed, Jun 10 2009, 8:37 pm

I don't really love these things but I dont hate them. I look at it as more of an obligation than fun but I think about how my prescence at school functions will help me get to know the staff more, the teachers more, the other moms more, and it helps them know me more. all this I fell leads to a more enhanced relationship with the people who work with your child everyday. they see you there and think, oh that parent came, they notice everyone trust me.

earlier in the year I actually hosted a small function in my house. I loved it cuz I felt at home, but still doing something for school. I feel the most important thing is that you are showing the school you care, that they are important. forget about the money stuff think about the message you are sending to them that you care, so then maybe it will be easeir for you to go.

hey at least its only once a year, right?

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 2:53 am

Glad to hear I'm not the only one, seriously makes me feel better. LOL amother who's driving 6 hours to avoid a dinner, if I had somewhere to go I would do that too! Marion it's actually not one of these big lavish dinners (I used to work for a school that had those, and they were shock

). It's much more simple, but yes it's still a fundraiser dinner. I wish there were another way for the school to raise funds, but I know this is the place where they make a lot of money each year. For many people in the school it's an enjoyable social evening, and they are happy to pay lots to see their name in the journal and get a bit of kavod.

Amother it's true about them seating you with people you're not friendly with, I know that happens to me a lot and it's so awkward. It's surprising how many people are outgoing and talkative but are not good at making conversation with people they're not friends with already. I think it is hard, if you're the type who thrives on shmoozing and looks forward to the annual dinner, to notice people who are quiet and shy, and to make an effort to speak with them too, instead of just your friends. I am always appreciative of the select few outgoing types who make it their business to be genuinely warm and friendly to everyone. They are rare.

Singalong you're definitely right about attendance being noticed, and about it helping your relationships with everyone who works in the school. I really wish it were easier for me to go. Sad

Even thinking about it like I am right now makes me feel tense and nervous inside. I think I will try to just show up for a short time, like half an hour, so everyone can see I made the effort, but so I don't have to be there for hours. Thanks everyone for your feedback, it helped. :-)

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 2:54 am

ss321 ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 3:42 am

amother wrote:

I just got called by the school with them saying how important it is for everyone to go.

Translation: we are waiting for your check. Tickets to the dinner cost 500/couple (IDK,I dont have elementary school age kids yet, so we dont go to many school dinners), please send your check payable to Yeshivas Blank Blank ASAP, were waiting.

First of all, you are not obligated to send them a check. You pay tuition right?
Trust me, its not important for *you* to be there, its important for *your check* to be deposited in your bank account, but they are trying to say that in the most polite way possible.
Dont go if you dont want to.

And assigned seating at a dinner? Except if you are an honoree and are at an "assigned/reserved" table for your family and close friends, or if you purhcased an entire table so that is reserved for whoever you want, Ive never really seen assigned seating (like the assigned seating at a wedding) at a dinner. Maybe thats because I havent been to that many, but gosh, that seems like a massive waste of time and resources. I would be really upset if the 8 or so thousand dollars I was paying for my kid to get an education, was going to some secretary matching up like minded (in her opinion) women for seating arrangements at the dinner Confused

↑ OldYoung ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 7:50 am

ss321 wrote:

And assigned seating at a dinner? Except if you are an honoree and are at an "assigned/reserved" table for your family and close friends, or if you purhcased an entire table so that is reserved for whoever you want, Ive never really seen assigned seating (like the assigned seating at a wedding) at a dinner. Maybe thats because I havent been to that many, but gosh, that seems like a massive waste of time and resources. I would be really upset if the 8 or so thousand dollars I was paying for my kid to get an education, was going to some secretary matching up like minded (in her opinion) women for seating arrangements at the dinner Confused

Most dinners that I've been to have assigned tables. And organizations that I've worked with usually have some volunteers who do that part of the grunt work. Seating is actually pretty important, even if someone is hired to do so, for the exact reason that the op doesn't feel any excitement to attend the particular dinner. A little money put into some of the finer details is an investment for the school, so that they can get a better turnout. Anyway, who says that tuition is paying for the secretary to do the seating? Maybe that's included in part of the dinner expenses, which should hopefully be paid off by the income the dinner generates.

↑ ss321 ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 8:51 am

IDK, usually the seating is something like
"alumnae" - tables 1-6
"family/friends of honorees" - tables 7-9
"faculty and family/friends of faculty" 10-12
more vague
rather than each person assigned to a particular table
but then again, as I said, I am in my 20's, dont have elementary school aged kids, and have only been to a few dinners. Maybe its not the norm
at any rate, regardless of where the $ is coming from to pay some secretary to make seating arrangements, if I am paying 250 to be at the dinner (500 for a couple), Id prefer they spend my hard earned $ on a filet mignon, a nice glass of pinot or merlot, and a great dessert, not on worrying about whether Ill be next to Chayla Cohen or Mindy Miller. For goodness sake!!
speaking of food- yet another reason, OP, why, no offense - but they dont care if you are there or not. They would probably prefer you dont show up, because then they save 80 dollars on food (assuming it was 40 per person).

↑ cassandra ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 9:07 am

ss321 wrote:

We must run in different circles. We don't have fake filet mignon either.

ETA: Most dinners I attend have mixed seating, so perhaps that's why they do assigned seating, since you have to seat couples? Though my ils were once honored by my sil's Brooklyn BY and I think there was assigned seating there too, but maybe just for the family and not for anyone else. I didn't notice.

↑ ss321 ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 9:17 am

cassandra wrote:

We must run in different circles. We don't have fake filet mignon either.

I was kidding about the filet mignon
I was just saying, people complain about tuition costs being too high, if the money is going towards education, as frustrating as tuition costs are, that is the price you gotta pay for private education
BUT if the costs are going toward things like someone sitting and arranging the dinner tables, I would have a fit.
Ive volunteered to help with things like decor/flower arrangements at some local dinners here, and the costs usually came from PTA type stuff exclusively, and anything extra was out of our own pockets embarrassed

cassandra wrote:

ETA: Most dinners I attend have mixed seating, so perhaps that's why they do assigned seating, since you have to seat couples? Though my ils were once honored by my sil's Brooklyn BY and I think there was assigned seating there too, but maybe just for the family and not for anyone else. I didn't notice.

IDK, Ive been to both mixed and not mixed dinners.
YU has a dinner around Chanukah time which is co-ed, friends of ours were honored a few years back, and IIRC there was not assigned seating, there were RESERVED tables for particular peope (who I am assuming were either other honorees, or people who purchased entire tables)
Other than that, pretty much all the school dinners I have been to have been separate seating, and like I said, there are tables to "choose" from - alumnae tables, family/frends tables, faculty tables, etc, but not name cards like at a wedding.

↑ OldYoung

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 9:26 am

ss321 wrote:

cassandra wrote:

We must run in different circles. We don't have fake filet mignon either.

cassandra wrote:

Don't get all worked up about the seating. The person doing the seating gets paid probably a max of $250 for doing the job. Divide that between the people paying for the dinner, and they are paying anywhere between .50 and $1 to be put next to people who will make the evening more enjoyable for them. If you have a problem with that, tell the school that you'd like to be charged a dollar less for the evening, so that the secretary can put you wherever she wants and not work hard to make sure you're placed where you'll be most comfortable. Get over it- the seating is NOT an expense of the dinner. It's an added touch that again, is an investment. If people are happy with the company, they'll come again and give the school money. If not, they won't come and the school will lose out.

Fox

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 9:52 am

I've worked with a number of mosdos and day schools in the area of fundraising and annual events over the years, so I'll add my two cents' worth:

1. Unfortunately, the annual dinner is still the best way to bring in money. No one really wants to go; the honoree doesn't want to be honored; the volunteers working on the project have other things to do --but no one has come up with a better idea. Torah Academy of Brooklyn is trying something a little different this year -- as I understand it, it's a come-when-you-want affair at a restaurant. It sounds great, and personally, I'm in favor of trying anything new and different. I just hope it works out for them!

2. Most of the dinners I attend have separate seating, and unfortunately, the seating is often done based on approximate income level. In fact, I once joked to one organization that they could make things quicker by just assigning seats in order of estimated annual income. I think it would be much nicer to let people choose their own seats, but I know organizations that have received complaints when they tried -- people didn't want "all types" at their tables!

3. Most of the fundraisers I know believe that attendance is just as important or more so than the money. They want the big donors to get the message that the particular school or organization is widely supported by people in the community. I can actually understand this; donors sometimes wonder if they are supporting something that is really needed and utilized by the community or whether it is just a "vanity tzeddekah" -- a way to provide a parnosseh and job for its founder or leader.

4. I think it's perfectly reasonable for mothers of young children to sit out dinners for a few years. In fact, I had a "policy" when my kids were small that I did not attend fundraising functions and I did not attend chassunahs unless I knew the chosson/kallah or one of their parents personally. If an appearance was truly needed, I sent my husband. Of course, the flip side of my "policy" is that I attended events religiously before I had kids, and I attend things now that my kids are older. In fact, I have heard rabbonim say that at least one parent should stay home rather than attending such functions, especially if you have to be away from home frequently for other reasons.

The fact of the matter is that tuition and fees don't cover all the expenses of a school, even the most professionally-run, frugal school. Some kind of fundraising has to be done. While I agree that too many schools and organizations run their fundraising poorly, I'll also admit that it's hard to come up with a new idea that will appeal to people -- especially when the economy is in flux.