Don't do this to a potential host please

Ruchi

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 9:30 am

It may be helpful, when being asked to host, to answer that you will have to bet back to them about this.
In other words, don't commit on the spot. Sometimes, you need time to think it through and decide if you are up to it or not.
This in no way justifies people taking advantage of you or expecting you to say yes etc.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 9:36 am

I think the thing is, people don't really come back from a vacation physically recharged - in fact they are often exhausted. Especially the mother, where the onus of packing, taking care of kids on vacation, settling everyone, laundry, meals, etc...was all on her. I find staying home much more restful than going away, personally.

amother

Yarrow

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 9:53 am

All due respect op, to me it seems like you’d really like to bash-fest people who take nice vacations that you envy.

Don’t host anyone you don’t want to.

To me it really doesn’t seem like the hosting (or declining to) is the issue. I get the feeling you’re trying to steer he conversation towards hating on people who take lavish vacations.

Jealousy is hard to disguise.

amother

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 9:58 am

amother Yarrow wrote:

You are very wrong. I fargin everyone their vacations. I love that my friends went away! They deserve a break and just because I can't go does not mean I don't wish the best for everyone else.

I'm not jealous. I'm sorry to disappoint you. This thread is not about the vacation. It is literally and purely about the behavior of the vacationers when they get home, and the entitlement of not wanting to deal with Shabbos so they put the onus on someone else.

I've been pretty clear here. If you are lucky enough to go on vacation, please do not call upon your friends who never go away to host you when you get home in order for your to extend your vacation. It's really quite simple. It's crass, to be totally blunt. A grown up who can plan and pay for a vacation can also plan and pay for their shabbos meals when they return, as opposed to putting someone else on the spot and inviting yourself. That behavior should have ended once you returned from seminary.

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Isn't that the reason people go away for a shabbos meal in general? So they don't have to deal with the cooking and have company somewhere else?

Otherwise why do people ever go away?

(I go away for shabbos rarely. Dh is a hoembody, so I'm not one of those ppl you are referring to)

amother

Amaryllis

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:11 am

I don't know if you are jealous or not but you do sound bitter. Just say no.

It seems that ther are people who would have no issue with such a request. Others may be mildly annoyed or may raise an eyebrow or two but won't let it bother them that much.

From your responses here, it really seems that this is something you cannot do wholeheartedly, so don't.

amother

Opal

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:13 am

I only read one page so forgive me if someone already said this or this was answered but I'm confused about how an adult can be forced to host someone or ve forced to make a meal for a postpartum mother?

Someone calls you up and says I'm coming home right before Shabbos so I'm going to come to you because I can't make Shabbos, and you reply and say I'm so sorry, it doesn't work for me this week! Such and such take that place is always open and available to order an advance and if you need you can even send your order to my house in case you're not sure you'll be home when it gets delivered.

Same when someone says, can I put you on the schedule for someone who just had a baby? And you say no, I wish I could but it doesn't work for me.

In my entire life I don't think I have ever agreed to do a favor to somebody and then been mad about the situation! If you don't feel the person needs the help or it's a difficult for you to give it and you won't be able to get past it even after you agree to the point that you're posting furious rants online, then maybe you should just say no in the first place.

amother

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:13 am

amother Dimgray wrote:

Go away? Sure. Invite yourselves for that purpose? No.

Ruchi

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:15 am

amother Dimgray wrote:

People get invited out most of tne time rather than extending their vacation off somebody else's back, by self inviting.
If I would have to self invite, I think I would need to be in a real needy, desperate or hard situation

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:20 am

amother OP wrote:

Go away? Sure. Invite yourselves for that purpose? No.

Again, why not?

(The few times I went somewhere, I probally invited myself. Because we usually say no, so when dh is actually up to it, I make the call)

In what situation IS it OK for someone to invite themselves?!

You can always say no.

No one is forcing you to host.

amother

Yarrow

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Your post literally proved my point.

amother

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 10:36 am

amother Dimgray wrote:

Read back a number of posts, I gave my outlook on why not already.

miami85

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 11:59 am

I know it feels like you are being used, but 1) You can't control others' behavior and 2)Some people will push the boundaries until they get some resistance. If you "always say yes" then they will ask until you say no.

If you ever saw the movie "27 dresses" it's a story about a woman who "always says yes" and feels good about "being there" for her friends, until she realizes that it's just not getting her anywhere in life or in love, when she finally meets someone who teaches her to say "no" and understand where her own boundaries are, she learned how to not be a doormat and move on with her own hang ups and eventually settle down in marriage.

You have to decide if you value these friendships enough to "always say yes" despite having to listen to their vacations, or say "it's not a good week for us, I'm sorry". True friends will value your boundaries more than not.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 12:02 pm

amother Razzmatazz wrote:

Can someone name a time where it’s OK to invite yourself somewhere?
I would never think to invite myself to someone’s house for a meal unless it’s my in laws but they have an open door policy

Family or very close friends where there's a very healthy give and take relationship.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 12:04 pm

amother Snow wrote:

Takers don't know how they look when they ask to impose.

It's not takers vs givers, it's ask culture vs guess culture. Ask culture people, when asked, either say no and don't think about it again or give with a whole heart. Guess culture people feel pressured and say yes with resentment, but the people asking don't know that, so they think they're making the guess culture person happy the way other people do for them when they ask for something they're happy to do for someone.

amother

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 12:14 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

NAILED IT. I actually forgot about ask culture vs. guess culture until you posted this. Thank you for reminding me! This is the perfect way to explain my frustration here.

https://medium.com/redhill-rev.....8ab09

Ask culture - it never hurts to ask; just say no if you want to say no.

Guess culture - it can hurt to be asked if asking makes the askee feel put on the spot and uncomfortable.

A snippet from the link I posted explains my fristration better than I could have. It's not that I am jealous, it's that I feel backed into a corner. Ask culture and guess culture tend to butt heads.

Direct Ask requests often come across as the communication equivalent of backing people into a corner, which Guess people are likely to take as presumptuous and feel put out. Conversely, Ask people may see Guess’s vague hints and veiled remarks as passive aggressive, and be irritated at having to interpret whether a yes is a yes or actually a no.

amother

Snow

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 12:14 pm

I don't think it's so black and white. I have no problem saying no but I'd look at you strange if you asked me to extend your vacation by hosting you.
People do not hear how they sound. It's not nice to ask if you are doing the "me me me" thing. Think about the person you are asking, how does your question sound to them.
Some people think it's ok to ask anything at all and it's up to the other person to say no.
It really isn't ok. Save yourself some dignity.