Don't do this to a potential host please

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:16 pm

Don't plan a vacation and then try to extend it by asking someone to host you for shabbos meals so you don't have to come back from being away and have to cook your own shabbos meals.

I tend to host a lot, but usually the same bunch of people. There are a number of guests who invite themselves to my house for shabbos meals and I host if I can, decline if I can't.

What really bothers me is when people go away, then want to relax further so they ask me if I can host them for a meal or two. And then to make it worse, to take over the conversation at MY table and talk all about your trip. As if I want to hear about it. I don't.

We don't go away ever. We don't have the money to. So people know they can count on us to be home.

What I want to tell people who do this - when you come back from a trip all refreshed, even if your trip included hours in the car or plane, think of the friend like me who never gets a chance to go away, and invite them to you. Give them a break from cooking and cleaning and invite for a meal or two.

Please don't use people to extend your vacation.

Genius

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:23 pm

Why are you resentful if you said you say no when you can’t? Just say no in these cases, end of story.
Or if it’s normal to invite oneself, as it seems from your post, why don’t you invite yourself to others for a change?

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:28 pm

OP why can’t you just say NO?

I’m not. A person who invites herself to anyone but I’ve been fortunate to have friends invite us for Friday night dinner upon our return and it is a huge huge favor for us and I’m so appreciative. And my friends and I love talking about travel! Sure beats the usual: Tuition prices, real estate prices, mortgage rates, camp prices.

You sound so bitter, you definitely shouldn’t be hosting

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:29 pm

Ha, one of my pet peeves as well. I DO know that people tend to come home from vacations exhausted (they just do, especially if it was a flight or long road trip) but really not fair to expect me to pick up the slack. I have a friend who I know is kinda resentful (because she's so tired etc when she gets back) but she travels a lot and it just got to be too much for me to have her for shabbos meals every time she returned!

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:30 pm

Genius wrote:

Because it still stinks and does not feel good for someone who is going away to try to use me.

Why don't I invite myself and my husband and four kids to someone else? Because it's tacky? Because I am a grown adult who is capable of making shabbos? Because it's rude to invite yourself to someone else? Pick one.

Genius

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:32 pm

PSA a freezer is a great tool if you are too exhausted to make Shabbos when you get back from vaca. Just double everything the week before you leave, and voilà free Shabbos when you get back.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:32 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

The bolded is the main thing. You don't invite yourself so you can have the easy return. You are invited out. Not the same.

Genius

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

I pick all. I just don’t get why you say yes when it so clearly irks you.

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

The bolded is the main thing. You don't invite yourself so you can have the easy return. You are invited out. Not the same.

It’s not the same but I’m speaking to how much of a favor it is. So much more so than a meal 51 other weeks a year.

But that still doesn’t explain why you don’t just say no. They ask, you decline.

singleagain

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

In this case, the women said she was coming back literally right before shabbos. Turns out she came home Thursday early evening, like 6pm.

That's still time to make shabbat. My parents don't usually start cooking till Friday morning.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:39 pm

singleagain wrote:

That's still time to make shabbat. My parents don't usually start cooking till Friday morning.

I know! Same! She is the type to have shabbos cooked by Thursday night so I can see why she'd be stressed. But 1) she did it to herself when she planned this vacation and 2)she can STILL cook on Friday. Like I do.

So I can see how to her, coming home at 6pm on Thursday feels like it's literally right before shabbos, but it's still more than enough time. It feels misleading to me. Whatever.

amother

Beige

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:42 pm

I’d be happy to host in that situation. I don’t really go on vacation either, certainly not for more than a night with my dh, but totally understand that someone in that situation isn’t up to cooking for shabbos. If I couldn’t for whatever reason, I could say no.

singleagain

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would just consistently tell this person. "I'm sorry this week does not work for me."

And if you like her. Otherwise, you can always say you know give a week or two later

Busybee5

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:09 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

I agree so they should extend their holiday and buy the whole shabbos! Don't put it on others when you've had your break. I get you op. And I'm the one that travels, not the host.
If family invite us then great, but I wouldn't invite myself out. If you've got the money to go away, you can buy yourself shabbos food for one week, or make sure that you have in your freezer before going away. That would be the most sensible option actually. Then if you get an invite, you get to use it another week.

amother

Papayawhip

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:10 pm

I agree with OP wholeheartedly. Unless someone went away last minute and is in a bind, people can plan and stock their own freezer ahead of time so they don’t need to put their vacation hardship on someone else. It’s hard to say no when put in the spot. Be ur friends guest when ur friend feels like inviting you. Not when u are too lazy to make your own Shabbos.
I feel the same way about meals after a baby. I’m happy to make a meal for someone but I honestly don’t understand why people don’t stock up their freezer before giving birth. Most people have nine months notice. It’s not so complicated to take a pan out of your freezer and stick into the oven. IMVHO

Busybee5

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:16 pm

amother Papayawhip wrote:

K the after birth thing I don't really agree with. Not everyone can manage to stock their freezer ahead of time. If there's a yom tov in between, cooking for a large family etc. Personally I don't make supper for my friends who have big families anymore. I'll send in a big kugel, and a cake or something but not a while shabbos meal, or supper. It's too much already at our stage, and she doesn't expect it.

amother

Chestnut

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 3:17 pm

I think it might depend on the regularity of the occasion. If my good friend or family member said they were going away and coming back shortly before shabbos, and I was willing and able to host them, then sure I would happily host them. If this was happening several times and I began to feel like all they wanted was a free meal post vacation, I might be rethinking my relationship with them.
Personally, because we never go away I love hearing about other people's vacations. It's the closest I'm getting to going away. I guess if that was the only topic of conversation and every time we started another topic, it somehow ended up back at their vacation, I would also start getting annoyed.
'so we're planning a small party for yossi's upsherin'
'great. And did you know that on day 2 of our vacation we discovered that ari and zevi didn't have....' So yeah, I would probably be rethinking my relationship in that scenario.