I don’t want to do this anymore

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 10:51 pm

I’m over it. Too much cooking preparing shopping. I’m insanely jealous of all my neighbors that are away enjoying themselves while I’m home slaving away. Yes slaving away bec no matter how simple I keep it I’m still slaving away. It seems so incongruous that so many pple in my age/stage are clueless about the hard work it is to make Pesach and I’m here working my head off the last few weeks. I just burned something in a pot and I cried so hard. I give up. Nothing is done for shabbos I can’t do this anymore. My feet hurt. My brain hurts.

amother

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:03 pm

BaltoMom65 wrote:

I completely feel your pain and frustration. I just remind myself that this is all truly a blessing. With the world looking the way it is, we should try to treasure and be thankful for these times. I might be nuts though and I see many parallels between this time and 1930s Europe...

But honestly this doesn’t make me feel any better. The world is so heavy right now. I’m afraid for what’s coming. I worry for my children. I felt such an eerie heavy when singing leshana haba. I worry where we will be next year. I think that’s part of me not being able to sink into the joy and excitement I usually feel when making yt despite the hard work. And I’m shlepping around this heaviness making everything harder.

BaltoMom65

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I know, and you are perfectly fine and right to feel that horrible burden of the unknown. It keeps me up at night. I wish I had answers. It's very hard to do so but we must "give it to Gd". He can take this worry from us. Please bring Mashiach

amother

NeonOrange

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I wish I could pamper you with something special to make it easier.
I've been making pesach all the years with big kids little kids. I understand. Home alone all the meals (many years hosting parents and older siblings- this year our lonesome selves).
I wish there was a way for people with strict minhagim to get a break after the seders, be able to relax a bit and buy some things ready. I wish I could do that for you.
I'm thinking about you and davening for you to be able to rest and recover. Hashem should send you all that you wish for ❤️

amother

Navy

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 11:42 pm

I'm sorry it is so hard for you.
Is there any way you could get in some time to relax and pamper yourself?
I've never gone away for Pesach, never had cleaning help for Pesach (or at all), although I do have a husband who pitches in in the kitchen which is a tremendous help.
But once I realized that it was getting me overwhelmed, I always made sure to take some time and do something for myself so I can keep going. No one is going to hand me that nap/snack/book/walk outside, so I need to make sure it happens, it isn't being selfish - it's keeping me happy and functioning and being there for my family.
On those days where there isn't a second to stop cleaning and cooking, I listen to an audiobook which helps make my time more pleasant.
Hope you enjoy the rest of Pesach, you deserve it too!

LittleMissMama

Thu, May 02 2024, 7:20 pm

I don't overdo it but it's just still a lot of work. I served 12 seudas in 2 weeks (like many of you). Some years we have no guests, but are then lonely, some years I invite some so it's more work/cooking/hosting but less lonely. What can I say, ask any BT, even those who become frum with the most sincere intentions are a bit shaken when the wining and dining of kiruv professionals is over and you're left managing a busy household and nonstop cooking during the chagim. Unless you marry into an FFB family I suppose. But I've been doing this for over 2 decades, through good times and bad, with no break ever.

My mom never hosted a meal in her life, not even thanksgiving. I really didn't know what I was getting into.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:00 pm

LittleMissMama wrote:

It's hard. My ILs had this, literally no break until her ffb dil (me) joined the fam and invited them every Yt. Along with the single kids and sometimes the marrieds. It meant so much to her.

Don't give up hope OP!

amother

Winterberry

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:57 pm

Just wanted to give some chizzuk (if I could). I feel just the same every year -overwhelmed, overworked, underappreciated. And I'm an FFB, I can't imagine what BTs must feel like - with no support system. (Rosh Hashanah/succos season is worse than pesach btw so don't get me started on those three weeks of insanity.)

But this year I just kept repeating to myself the chazal, bezchus nashin tzidkanios nigalu avoseinu mimitzrayim (I secretly added on, u'bezechus nashim tzidkanios assidin l'higael.). Every time I felt overwhelmed I would repeat to myself "bezechus nashim tzikanios". Every sink full of dishes was accompanied by "bezechus nashim tzidkanios". Every cake, matzahbry, and potato kugel was made with "bezechus nashin tzidkanios" on my lips. And I want to tell you IT WORKED! I was so much calmer and so much more ok than I have ever been on pesach.
Pesach is a MASSIVE amount of work and a person who has never done it cannot even begin to imagine the amount of effort that goes into this one week. But telling myself that Jewish women have been doing this for 3,000 years and in that merit we will be zoche to geulah really helped me. (I don't know if it's actually true, but it helped me nonetheless.)

amother

Chambray

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:24 pm

Every year I'm re-suprised by how hard it is. I keep it very, very simple ($ is tight but lots of money goes towards disposables, I use simple recipes, barely have guests for this yontiv if at all) but it's still very difficult. I find that turning back over too is no small task either.

My faith here is strong though, meaning in theory at least, so I guess I'd add that I think at 120 we will be rewarded. I believe that Hashem knows that it's very, very difficult. (In this generation too, when "keeping it simple" with cooking & baking, is way more complex than when I was growing up.)

As a practical tip, I try to be listening to audios (there's no shortage of podcasts) or music the whole way through to keep my mind occupied & either inspired or entertained. This helps me a lot.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:36 pm

Op I hope you got to enjoy the last few days.
What can you do nextime next year to make it joyous for you?
And even before that what can you do now to plan an easier and joyous choidesh tishrei/succos?

I used to feel like you.
As a teen/ young married I helped/ cooked/cleaned by my mother a ton (I was born the youngest to very older parents), on our first chol hamoed as a married couple, I cooked dinner for everyone at my moms house and we ate there. then by the time shana rishona was over, the next year I kashered. Turned over. I bought a rezho and made suppers at home just for dh and me in our tiny apt.
Soon after I cooked and made yom tov at home for half of it. (18-23) then we moved to dhs hometown. And other than sedarim where we joined my mil we ate all of every single yomtov and shabbos meal home. My mother wasn't up to hosting. There have been the odd meal here or there where my sister and I shared the cooking and we'd be together. But rarely. That hasn't happened in 5 years now for yom tov. It's me and my family home every single yom tov. We've hosted infrequently.

It was hard. With little kids underfoot and all their needs and dh working long long long hours.

But after all that hard work, my martyr mood/mentality and subsequent burnout was killing the yomtov vibe.
So one year a few years ago, I sat down with dh and we went thru what it is I think I/we need to not feel so pressured and to actually enjoy yom tov.

Here's what worked for me.
Extra cleaning help.
Kashering a week b4 pesach (Not bedikatz chamatz)
Sukkah up by yom Kippur
I need to do early shopping.
Buying ready food if needed without feeling guilt.
I need to loose the pressure to make it special.
Because it's special if mommy is calm and emotionally available.
I make basics simple food I know my kids still eat. We often have bought ice cream/ices for dessert.
I buy cooked/ baked fish if needed.
I buy ready Challos other then one of my kids GF challos. She doesn't like acne bought so that's a must for her oneg shabbos/yom tov.
We also dropped a lot of pesach chumras.

It took a year to fully shift over.
Since then yom tov has been absolutely AMAZING to the point that in the past hosting sent me into a panic and now the idea of hosting actually makes me excited/happy.

Now op, what do YOU need to change this pattern and start enjoying yom tov.

I hope it was helpful.
Iyh next year in yerushalayim!

Edited a lot of typos and autocorrects (dumb smart phone!)