Advice for teen son and socializing

amother

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 8:19 pm

My teen son is in Yeshiva /high school …. He doesn’t make friends so easily as he’s a quieter or sometimes gets silly type of kid. So I see social is a bit hard for him. He started telling me that he thinks about his friend and before Yeshiva he worries if his friend will hang out with him, will he sit by breakfast with him … then he does but then recess comes and the boy doesn’t hang with him. Basically I’m asking is it normal for my teen son to be thinking and worrying all day about his friendship . He asks me if it’s normal I just want to know how to respond .

amother

Tealblue

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 8:31 pm

Hi OP, I think even older kids can be insecure about friendships and it can sometimes be hard to feel like you belong. So yes, it can be normal to worry (particularly when his worries may have validity). If it becomes obsessive, then it is more worrying or if he seems sad or isolated. I hear your concerns. It's really hard for Moms since we want to jump in there and make our kids feel better. Is there any way to subtly help him branch out with additional kids? Does he have interests that put him in contact with other like minded boys. Is there anyone he wants to learn with, invite over, or work with on homework? Is he part of a camp or sports program? Maybe there are kids there. Does any of the PTA conference include discussion of social contacts? At this age you probably shouldn't get too involved, but perhaps there is a Rebbe or principal who can shed some light on suitable friends if it could come up in a casual way. I'm fairly sure that even when my ds was in high school that the conference included some reference to friends.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 9:35 pm

That's the catch 22 of social anxiety. Scared to reach out, yet can't get it out of your mind. Desperately want it, yet paranoid that others dont want you. And often it's precisely this overthinkingness that makes other people stay away. It comes across as needy. It's a sad cycle.

amother

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 9:50 pm

So how do I help him. There’s no teachers or Rebbi to talk to he has too Many, when I asked the Rebbi said he’s doing well social . Like from a distance. He doesn’t realize the struggle and at this age I can’t jump in and help like I always try to do

amother

Tealblue

Wed, Apr 19 2023, 6:35 am

Would you consider therapy for him? Maybe having someone to talk to and to think through social interactions could be helpful. Not sure where you live, but there is a therapist I know professionally who has worked with young men in school settings. He also works with parenting issues. Fairly certain he conducts sessions remotely. Very kind and thoughtful individual. Just putting it out there in case it could be helpful.
https://yeshayakrauslcsw.com/