Is it rude or should I be grateful?

Iymnok

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 1:45 am

The way to donate or pass on is to pick up the item and ask yourself if you would buy it at a gemach. Anything stained, frayed, with holes, or stretched out goes.
No one wants to buy pre-worn tights and underwear.

My system is to start with 2 garbage bags. Write trash on one, gemach on the other.
All unwanted clothes need to go into one.
DH took the "trash" bag out until I was okay with tossing it myself.
The other bags get taken to the gemach after pesach when it reopens.
Select items are given to friends or family.

Find a way to talk to her about it. It's not uncommon to have trouble throwing clothing to the garbage.

amother

Topaz

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 2:13 am

Light1234 wrote:

It sounds like she means well and doesn't know any better. Maybe she was raised with lots of hand me downs and honestly thinks you'll love it.
It's so annoying. I know.
But I would thank her and move on.

I would bet the opposite. SIL did the same thing to me. The week I was due with my first child, she dumped off bags of clothing for 5 to 7 year olds with shoes with soles coming off, shirts with huge permanent stains across the front, and so on.

DH and SIL are spoiled beyond, lived in a multi-million dollar homes. They think poor people should accept anything. I grew up taking free clothing from piles at gemachs and later volunteering, so I have the exact opposite attitude. Let me tell you, in most first-world countries, no one wants your shoes with soles coming off, or your heavily filthy shirts. There are b"h plenty of people who donate wearable, clean clothing. Let's have a tiny bit of respect to the poor in our communities. They're not dumpster bins.

Someone mentioned Salvation Army and goodwill, I've volunteered at gemachs, please have some respect and don't donate trash. The volunteers will just have to do more work and anyway throw them away. Things don't have to be sparkling new, but they should be wearable. How would you feel if you were sent to school in a shirt with a huge brown stain across the front, or with shoes with your toes sticking out from on top of the broken soles? Most parents aren't taking those for their children, so please don't give those. If you aren't sure, talk to someone who works at a gemach and ask if they can go through your stuff with you, so you can have an idea of what they take and what they don't.

(This isn't directed at the poster I'm responding to, but at people generally.)

Anyway, eventually DH told her to stop, that we had enough. Honestly, the more I got to know her, this behaviour was the tip of the iceberg.

Reality

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 2:38 am

I'm sorry you are your relative's dumping ground. She is either rude or suffers from a mental illness, like the only way she can get rid of her hoard is to give it a new home instead of throwing it out where it belongs. You certainly don't have to thank her and feel grateful. I'd throw it all out. Next time you speak to her kindly tell her BH, you don't need hand-me-downs, your kids have more then enough clothes and please don't drop them off anymore because you have no use for them.

amother

Orange

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 3:22 am

If she's done this in the past, then she hasn't realized what is useful and what isn't. But if normally she only gives okay stuff, maybe it wasn't on purpose. I remember one time spending time sorting out the clothes to give to a local gemach. Much later after dropping off the bags, I realized that I had accidentally included the bag I was planning to throw out. I felt really bad but there was nothing I could do at that point.

imasinger

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:46 am

Another vote for calling and telling her you appreciate the thought, but please don't send hand me downs any more.

If she asks why, you have a bunch of options.

1. "My kids have gotten really picky about clothing".

2. "I don't have time to sort it."

3. "It's just not helpful to me, though I appreciate the intention."

As long as your response is NOT along the lines of "because your dropping off 4 bags of shmattes and garbage at my doorstep without asking is not what I need in my life right before Pesach or ever", you're okay.

Use "I" language, don't be surprised if there's a learning curve (you may have to drop "picky kids" or "appreciate your finding another home for hand me downs" into a future conversation).

And be glad you aren't so poor that you need such rags.

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:55 am

I just dropped off two huge bags of clothes for someone that has kids that are a size down from my kids.

In the bag were neatly folded, clean, perfectly good condition clothes from past season.

First I made sure that she is willing to accept the bags, then I told her a million times that if she doesn’t need anything she should throw it away, I have a hard time throwing things out so she is doing me a mitzva.
I’m sure there are things she will use, and I’m sure she won’t have a problem throwing what she doesn’t use.

This is how to give away clothes.

imaima

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:46 am

amother OP wrote:

I have a relative who has 2 children a bit older than 2 of mine. She gives me hand me downs from time to time and she loves doing it. She goes on and on about how happy she is to be passing on the clothes. Truth be told, often the clothes are very worn out and out of each bag she sends me, I find only a few usable items.

We can afford to buy our children clothing which we do but I appreciate hand me downs to supplement their wardrobes. Sometimes I get from my friends, sometimes my friends get from me. It's not a tzedaka thing, it's practical.

Today I came home from shopping for pesach and there were 4 garbage bags of hand me downs. She left a message that she just pesach cleaned her kids' room and she took everything that didnt fit them anymore and dropped it off. Happy Pesach.

I opened the bags, it literally looked like someone dumped random things in a garbage bags, tights, worn out shoes, underwear, some shirts, skirts, pants, mixed sizes, also some ripped and stained. I was so ticked off, I literally took the entire bag and just threw it out.

My husband thinks I should send her a thank you text and be grateful. Personally I thought it was rude to drop off bags of clutter at someone's house less than a week before pesach.
What do you think?

I agree with both.
It is bad manners and not menschlich to dump stuff at peoples houses when they are decluttering and cleaning. She was wrong to do it.

I would still send a thank you card and say I appreciate the thought. Your kids likes have changed and you cannot accept hand me downs anymore. Happy Pessach.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:57 am

Some people have hang ups or emotional issues where, even though they don't want stuff in bad condition, they can't bring themselves to throw it out on their own. They'd rather pass it along to others who will end up throwing it out.
Once a frum store in my city did a donation drive to collect school supplies for struggling families. Some people dumped off their kids' torn and drawn on folders, broken looseleaf binders, notebooks with the covers missing and half the pages used up or torn out. It probably cost them more money in gas to drive to the donation spot to dump off their trash, than it would have to just give the drive a couple of dollars to buy some basic stuff at the dollar store.

It's rude, but she probably can't help herself. I'd send a polite message to say you received it, but in future, you prefer she give it to elsewhere. I wouldn't gush or thank her--she will take it the wrong way and think you still want her stuff.

Light1234

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:18 pm

A few people mentioned the salvation army...
Just want to share that I interviewed there for a job subbing at their daycare thinking they were a regular charity
They are actually registered as a "church" devoted to spreading the belief in jc. If I wanted the subbing I needed to sign a document stating I believed in jc and am committed to spreading that.
I was shocked because we grew up donating there
So it seems that when they sell our clothes, this is the mission the money goes to

Cheiny

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Write her a note thanking her for thinking of you and then say you won’t be needing her hand me downs any more. Finished. No need to explain any further.

Cheiny

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:23 pm

A pet peeve of mine is when people offer or donate things to others that are in bad condition. I have a friend who gets stuff for free from somewhere and people donate damaged, badly used, stuff in embarrassingly bad condition, and I’m thinking, “If you’re too ashamed to be seen using this stuff, it will be just as shameful for someone else. Be considerate.”

Cheiny

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:25 pm

imasinger wrote:

Giving excuses just invites more discussion. She shouldn’t explain. Just a quick thank you and won’t be needing it any more, is best.

zaq

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:29 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

I would actually appreciate this. I would wash everything and use what I can. Tights r helpfull, extra tops, idk. I wld schedule pick purple or dump the rest. I love getting hand me downs

I love hand-me-downs, too, but I don't think you would appreciate getting torn tights, clothes splattered with poster paints that don't wash out, items missing buttons, with split seams, with blobs of dried food still on them (obviously not washed before they were given to you), all dumped helter-skelter in a big bag. That's a blatant show of disrespect.

My mother always told me to check my giveaways and remove anything in a condition that I wouldn't appreciate receiving: torn, missing buttons, stained, etc. And she told me to fold stuff neatly and pile it tidily, because that shows respect for both the clothes and the person receiving them. She said it's bad enough that some people have to rely on hand-me-downs, there's no need to humiliate them further by giving them stuff in a contemptuous manner.

amother

Petunia

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:53 pm

I vote clueless. I think some people either don't care how they dress their kids. Like they got the clothes themselves 2nd hand and could care less or they buy everything new so they have no clue how handmedowns should look.

I happen to love good handmedowns. Bad ones are a real waste of time. So I got picky about who I will take from. And also when I give things away, I'm careful to only give things in very nice condition so that the receiver should open the bag and think, "Wow, how nice!"

I have 2 friends who both love nice handmedowns and they agree with me completely. We actually explained this to another friend who wanted to give away her son's pants that were worn a few times but had holes in the knees. NOBODY wants secondhand pants with holes in the knees. Maybe YOU would patch them but nobody is patching them secondhand unless maybe they were some crazy expensive designer or something...

The person who buys only new has never received a pilly shirt. They bought the shirt and it slowly pilled. They picked the shirt themselves and liked the shirt... And have no concept that a pilly shirt is not something you give away. Or the shirt got a little stain but it was exactly their taste and beautiful and wasn't so noticeable so they continued using it.

But then I got the pilly shirt and had zero attachment to it or the stain. I didn't say to myself what a beautiful shirt, let me try to get that stain out. I could care less about the shirt. So toss/recycle.... and makes me feel like a nebach case because why should she think I want her stained clothing?

In many ways, I much prefer to go to a gemach or Goodwill type store because I can come back with exactly what I want and no more and no less. It's worth a few dollars to me.

amother

Petunia

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:57 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

I would actually appreciate this. I would wash everything and use what I can. Tights r helpfull, extra tops, idk. I wld schedule pick purple or dump the rest. I love getting hand me downs

I actually don't think tights in good condition are the worst thing. I've gotten and used them as spares. We go through tights so fast over here. Tights that are discolored, stretched out or have holes, no thanks toss please.

amother

Petunia

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:59 pm

zaq wrote:

I like and agree with everything in your post except that its' bad enough people have to rely on hand-me-downs.

That's not always true. There are people that like secondhand bishita for environmental reasons and then there are other people that have the money but it's not important to them (probably a shocking statement here Wink

). They'd rather put their kids in all hand-me-downs and take the kids on a nice vacation in the summer instead. Priorities. They may easily have more money than the person who buys all new clothes.