Is it rude | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Is it rude

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:14 pm

I was invited to a meal on yom tov and I casually asked if anyone else would be there and was told no. Now I find out that the hostess purposely lied to me because she knew we wouldn't come with this other family and she decided our reasons for doing so aren't important. I am so turned off and I really don't feel like spending the seudah with any of them at this point.

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

If she was intentionally dishonest, that’s not acceptable. If you don’t want to spend the time with whomever, that’s your right. You can call and tell her you won’t be able to come after all…

lamplighter

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:26 pm

It's rude to ask who else is going to be there.

The whole premise is off. Not that it's ok for her to lie either way.

oneofakind

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:33 pm

Why can't she ask? I don't think that's rude but to lie? Not acceptable.

amother

Obsidian

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:34 pm

lamplighter wrote:

It's rude to ask who else is going to be there.

The whole premise is off. Not that it's ok for her to lie either way.

She didn’t ask specifically who will be there. She asked if anyone else would be there. There is a difference.
And depending on the relationship with the hostess, it can be perfectly reasonable. I like to go to my aunt for a meal every now and then but I don’t really get along with one of her daughters in law. I would ask if she’s having any additional guests so that if she says that that DIL will be there I can at least mentally prepare myself or back out of going (she knows we don’t get along. This isn’t as drama filled as it sounds. We’re just 2 polar opposite personalities and we usually agree to disagree. Conversations can get very strained while both parties are very politely trying not to get extremely irritated at the other. Said DIL is actually a nice person otherwise)

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:36 pm

lamplighter wrote:

It's rude to ask who else is going to be there.

The whole premise is off. Not that it's ok for her to lie either way.

She asked if anyone else would be there, and I don’t think that’s rude at all, especially if there is someone specific that would make it uncomfortable for OP to share a seuda with, for reasons that could be completely understandable. The lie was absolutely inexcusable.

ddmom

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:39 pm

How did you find out?

amother

Milk

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:40 pm

Lying is not OK. (Unless for Shalom bayis which is the most important to Hashem and our well-being)
But, don't allow this to turn into a fight it's just not worth it. If it's your MIL let it go for the sake of peace. If someone else just don't go. It's easier to have a smaller simple meal at home in peace than being hosted with drama.

lamplighter

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:47 pm

I think inquiring about other guests because there are people you don't like is rude. Either accept the invitation or don't or say straight up, we like to eat over when it's just the family.

This feels like high school.

theoneandonly

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:50 pm

I think the hostess was wrong. I host a lot and have some guests who prefer to come to large meals with other guests and I have some guests who prefer to come alone and just spend time with us. I try to keep that in mind when inviting, and if anyone ever asks if anyone else is coming, I'm glad to tell them to give them the chance to say "actually, we need a quiet shabbos this week and coming to a meal with six bachurim won't work for us."

Page 1 of 1