Home situation of DD's friend

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have tried reaching out to the mother. She was never available to talk.
I don't think it's my place to ask the school principal about someone's family situation. And I don't know who their Rav is.

You don't need to ask alot of personal questions, but I do think you have the right to ask whether the situation in the house is a healthy and safe place for your DD to be.

seeker

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Whenever my DD is there, they're in the house alone without anyone else besides for the mom.
DH pickes my daughter up on the way home from work. Taking the girl home, means at least 1/2 an hour, if not 40 minutes, round trip. It's not realistic on a regular basis.

Oh wow yeah I didn't realize the location was that far. I thought we were talking about local/neighborhood friends.

I'm never a fan of sleepovers but I think in this situation, if you think the girl is a good friend for your DD other than the supervision/transportation issue, I would consider inviting the other girl to stay by you overnight from time to time.

You could also ask the adult sister if she can help collaborate. No pressure but you'd like to help by having the kid over, is there any way it can work.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:59 pm

Chayalle wrote:

You don't need to ask alot of personal questions, but I do think you have the right to ask whether the situation in the house is a healthy and safe place for your DD to be.

Maybe I should call the principal, even if the idea makes me uncomfortable.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:00 pm

seeker wrote:

Sleepover is a good idea. I don't mind that. I'll discuss it with DH & bring it up with DD.
Thanks for the idea!
(We have a different girl that often comes for shabbos, hope this idea won't be too much for DH.)

amother

Gold

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:10 pm

I have chronic fatigue syndrome and there were times I was in bed all afternoon and missed lots of school functions. I'm happy when my kids have friends over because I didn't need to entertain them and they can have some normalcy in their life. Try the mother at various times during the day as you may just be reaching her at a bad time (she might be more exhausted in the afternoon) this might not be the situation but it might yes be. Or you can try to reach the father. I would just shmooze and get to know the mother a bit, tell her something nice about her daughter, how you are happy your kids are friends etc... And see how she responds. Also if she is by you supper time offer her food please. Children shouldn't need to suffer twice. Once because things are difficult at home, twice because they don't have friends over.

Also be open with your daughter and see if she is taken care of there and who do they go to in an emergency etc.. does she feel safe there are happy.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:32 pm

amother Gold wrote:

My feel of the situation is that the mother is suffering from depression or other mental illness.
She also doesn't speak English, so it's difficult to communicate with her. I tried reaching out to her several times, either jo one picks up or daughter picks up & says that mom is not available.
When my daughter is there, they basically take care of themselves. They take snack, do their homework, play... if she's there on a Sunday, they prepare themselves lunch.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:07 pm

I would not be comfortable to send my daughter there for long periods of time. I would also not call the sibling or parents, I would faster speak to the principal. I agree with everyone else that said to try to make it work to have her over at your house.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:23 pm

seeker wrote:

I would not be ok with my kid in a home without supervision, and I would not consider a bedridden mother sufficient supervision.

I think you should ask the involved adult sister for clarification about supervision - is she there? Is a father or other adult sibling there? Maybe you can time visits for when there is supervision. I think they would prefer sincere, careful questions rather than being avoided.

If your dd goes to her then you would need to pick her up, presumably. So it would be the same amount of logistics if she comes to you and you bring her home. If you're not able to do either direction then it's not a good time for a visit either way, and if you're available for one way then you can be available for the other way.

IDK I just spent a whole pregnancy on bedrest and I watched my kids. I kept them in the room with me or the room I could see from my spot. I had a mother's helper at dinner time. We survived.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:55 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

I don't mind having her over often. She just doesn't have a way home.

amother

Opal

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:13 pm

It’s a very normal thing to ask a teacher or principal if this home is a safe, functional home for my child to be by? I’ve noticed the moms not available often is there something going on there that I should know before letting my child go there… these way you’ll get a better picture. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my child there unless I had this information

amother

Sunflower

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 12:10 am

Quote:

DH has mentioned that perhaps it's not a good idea for our daughter to spend so much time at their home,

I have to assume that you and your husband are comitted to torah values, since you post on a site exclusively for orthodox jewish women.

Why would your husband oppose chessed?

that's a basic jewish value, even a distinctive sign of a jew - rachman.

Is this whole being outwardly frum really just an act people put on?

amother

Clover

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 12:25 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Quote:

DH has mentioned that perhaps it's not a good idea for our daughter to spend so much time at their home,

I assume you're just sleep talking at 3 am. Can't imagine you'd post this nonsense at any other time.

amother

Bluebonnet

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:32 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Quote:

DH has mentioned that perhaps it's not a good idea for our daughter to spend so much time at their home,

According to the Torah too much chessed with no boundaries eventually leads to znus. Znus is the flip side of chessed and an extreme form of it. Look it up.

Now obviously thats not happening with 11 year old kids but the point stands. Chessed without boundaries can lead to harm for the person doing the chessed.

In this case it can be too much burden on a child, being parentified, no supervision and something dangerous happens with adult to interviene, or even something as simple as being in an unhealthy situation very often which as parents we are obligated to mitigate.

No one said no chessed. We are discussing ways to do this chessed without sacrificing OPs child in the process.

amother

Bluebonnet

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:35 am

Another thing- the torah also says חיך קודם which means you are not allowed to put yourself at risk for someone else.

Personally I think its not safe for a child to be alone with no adults for hours at a time far away with no easy way to get her in an emergency.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:52 am

Some of these answers make me wonder….

To me it’s very simple-
If you think the mom has mental health issues that has resulted in parental absence that causes 11 year old to be chronically unsupervised, your dd should not be playing there- sending your dd there isn’t chesed, it’s stupidity.

You should absolutely inquire about the home-
If the school/ rav already knows, they can explain to you and clarify the situation so you can make an informed decision.
If they don’t know, then they need to know, because this is an unsafe environment for an 11 year old and the family needs help.

Absolutely try to have the girl over by you as much as possible and open your home.

seeker

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:56 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Quote:

DH has mentioned that perhaps it's not a good idea for our daughter to spend so much time at their home,

Lol you know what else is a Torah value? Taking care of your kids.

seeker

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 5:01 am

amother Seafoam wrote:

IDK I just spent a whole pregnancy on bedrest and I watched my kids. I kept them in the room with me or the room I could see from my spot. I had a mother's helper at dinner time. We survived.

Glad you were able to provide a functional home for your kids while on bed rest. From OP's daughter's description, this mother is not supervising the kids, is out of sight, and does not have a mother's helper present. So your situation is not comparable.

amother

Clematis

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 5:13 am

I don't think you should talk to the school. First, just by initiating the conversation you will be potentially creating a stigma for this girl or exacerbating an already existing stigma. And it may spread beyond the teacher or principal, since people don't always treat such info confidentially even if they say they will. Second, given what you know, it won't be reassuring if the school says, "They're fine." I wouldn't be reassured in any event.

If I were you, I would just assume that the house is unsupervised and there may be some level of dysfunction, and proceed accordingly. For me that would mean minimizing the amount of unstructured time spent there and maximizing the amount spent by the two of them at my house or at another available location.

Also, I would keep a very open line of communication with my daughter and watch out for red flags, especially any males. Unfortunately predators love situations like this and target them: a home stretched thin and lacking in supervision.

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 7:04 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Quote:

DH has mentioned that perhaps it's not a good idea for our daughter to spend so much time at their home,

Good morning.
I don't understand how this post comes in here & how it's a response to the situation. No one has mentioned not doing chessed.
What a weird post. I can't believe it got likes.