Would you divorce over chillul shabbos?

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7229

Someone's answer to my previous poll engendered this offshoot. A poster wrote that if her husband denied God, she would ask for a divorce that day. If he was mechallel shabbos, she would try to work things out.

If you found out that your husband no longer kept shabbos and was not sorry and had no plans to change, would you try to work things out and stay married? Assuming, say, that he was generally home, generally ate meals with the family, generally went to shul and generally was not publically mechallel shabbos. But sometimes he would take an important work phonecall or use facebook in private, where the kids were not around.

Would that be grounds for divorce for you? What else would you factor in?

What if he kept everything as halacha requires, but it was empty, he did not believe in any of it, and did not believe in God and was just doing it to make you happy? Would that still be grounds for divorce?

I guess I am curious as to what level of observance we require from our spouses. I have always heard that belief is secondary and that actions are the key in Judaism, but maybe others feel differently.

As an aside, I want to emphasize that I know there are people on this site that have faced these very questions in real life and I do not mean to trivialize their experiences in any way or make light of them. This is an intellectual issue of interest for me.

Senior Member Joined: Dec 26 2011 Posts: 158

The only thing I would definitely get a divorce over is abuse.

I've been in an incredibly difficult situation with marriage, and I know how far I'm willing to go, and it's pretty far. But IMO (and IME) there are much worse things than either of the options in the poll.

Gold Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 1229

I really can't answer this because I don't know what would push me to divorce. Definitely abuse or extracurricular relationships but other that that I really never thought about it.

Senior Member Joined: Oct 17 2011 Posts: 231

my husband just said that he would divorce me over chillul shabbos. hypothetically.

If the marriage continues to be very loving, stable, and respectful, and if my husband agreed to continue raising the children with religion and not do anything outright against to Torah in front of them, I'd definitely stay with him (if he wanted to stay, of course.)

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7894

Silver Member Joined: Nov 17 2011 Posts: 912

I wouldn't demand a divorce over that, but I think divorce would be inevitable. Religion is too much a part of our lives for it not to take a toll on our overall relationship.

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 19 2011 Posts: 2692

LOL no.
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Executive Member Joined: Sep 14 2011 Posts: 475

I chose other: because, I have never thought about this, and hope to never consider this question. Hope no1 has to ever deal with it either.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 26 2009 Posts: 1482

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 19 2011 Posts: 2692

Gold Member Joined: Jan 12 2010 Posts: 2261 Location: US

I would be a hypocrite to divorce him over that.

Silver Member Joined: Oct 08 2007 Posts: 505

this has gotten me thinking. I think it's very hard to answer from our viewpoint, having BH not been in such a situation. Who knows how things would play out if such a scenario would arise, and then there are so many other aspects of the relationship and family relationship to consider and the implications of either decision to divorce or to stay together.

Diamond Member Joined: Nov 12 2005 Posts: 2715

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 19 2011 Posts: 2692

I am in this situation - my husband, well after our marriage, decided he is an atheist and does not keep shabbos. It is very very difficult, but I love him and we are working through how we want our lives to work. I have no idea what we will explain to the kids but I can't believe that a painful divorce when we both love each other is a better idea.

Silver Member Joined: Jun 21 2010 Posts: 818

I can't imagine being able to convince my children to keep Shabbos if I supported a husband who didn't. I don't believe it's possible to keep such a thing hidden from them for very long they're bound to find out eventually and then how do you explain it, it's ok for Daddy but not for you doesn't seem logical to me how could it seem logical to a child. Now if he was just going through a hard time and was hoping to change I would consider it but I don't see how someone could raise Torah abiding children with someone who's not.

Active Poster Joined: Jan 15 2012 Posts: 48

this happened to a friend of mine and she got divorced. I really cant blame her, she had no kids, and why would she want to stay with someone so different than her?