I work 28 hours a week because I love my husband

amother

OP ↓

Today at 9:05 am

Honestly.
I could say "he owes me to support me".
He can work ft plus a commute, plus a second job plus a side job. Including twisting himself into a pretzel because Hashem didn't give him a personality to start a business or become a lawyer.
He's an accountant. Making decent money, working through the process.
But not making ENOUGH money.

So I help with the parnassa. Because I love and respect him and respect how hard he's working.
Even if it's stressful for me.

amother

Amethyst

Today at 9:10 am

Good for you.

I gave up my business because I love my husband, my kids, and me Smile

I built up a business and worked long hours. I was at a crossroad where I had to choose to either work full time (plus since boss never has off) or give it up. The middle ground part time wasn't working anymore.

Bh I chose the latter because I love my family and me.

Just a dose of a different perspective.

amother

Acacia

Today at 9:12 am

amother OP wrote:

That’s a beautiful way of putting it. I hope he can reciprocate your love by helping you in ways that u need help. Childcare and housework to name a few.

amother

Dill

Today at 9:41 am

I work fulltime because I love having a roof over my head and food on the table. Also because it never occurred to me that I might ever NOT have to work. All the women in my family work or worked, including my mother who usually worked three jobs, and it never occurred to me that there was even a possibility of my not working. This is a good thing because we couldn't possibly live on what dh makes.

amother

NeonGreen

Today at 9:45 am

amother Dill wrote:

This. What does that mean you work because you love your DH? How about you work because you’re an adult who has a responsibility to make sure you can pay your bills, the same as your husband?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 9:50 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

This. What does that mean you work because you love your DH? How about you work because you’re an adult who has a responsibility to make sure you can pay your bills, the same as your husband?

Well technically I can insist on my rights of kesuba.
Insist he work at a job that he hates. Insist he work a second job. Insist he work a third job.
Insist it's his obligation to figure it out.

Say that I deserve not to be stressed and overwhelmed and I'm raising his kids and pregnant with his kids so it's his job to financially support us.

I know people in real life are like that

Their husbands are collapsing, resentful, working their way to a heart attack.

I love my husband, I love our relationship too much for that.
I love my family too much to give them a collapsing father.
I took a PT job because it works and I love myself and my family also

I think it bothers me. So many people looking to see what they can get from their husband and marriage rather than what they can give.

amother

Feverfew

Today at 10:48 am

Beautiful post, OP. I have a similar perspective. I do believe in traditional gender roles. Man taking care of parnassa, woman - the household. That being said, we are partners in life. We have joint goals. We need the parnassa and we need a functioning household. These are both things we want. So if dh is not bringing in enough on his own, of course I'm stepping in and helping in that department. And if I'm struggling with managing the household on my own, dh steps up to the plate. I don't say, "too bad, not my job, just give me money. You figure it out." And he helps with the children, cleaning and cooking, even during the time that I was not working. Because a functional household is something he wants to. We support each other. We are not competitors.

mommy3b2c

Today at 10:53 am

amother OP wrote:

This perspective is only a good one if the husband is also responsible for the childcare and household work .

amother

Gardenia ↓

Today at 11:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Why does he have to work at a job he hates? Don’t ever insist on that. If you love him, help him find a job he loves.
I love my family too much to give them a collapsing mother. Between kids appointments, childcare, having and taking care of babies amongst 100 other things. I love my husband too much to have a wife who is falling apart on him.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 11:10 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

Because the jobs he loves, that he's good at, max out at 150k or so after many years.
Nowhere near enough for a frum family.

Sure, I can force him to be the exclusive breadwinner at a job earning 300k+ but he would be miserable there and horrible there

And yes he participated quite a bit with childcare, household jobs, appointments, etc

amother

Camellia ↓

Today at 11:15 am

I started working a few months ago I work from home. The more I put into work the faster the business will grow. That being said. It's not possible to work full days. I have 6 children kah. Between dentist, Dr, ent. appt. I have average at least 1 appt a week. My childrens needs. One outgrew his suit he's in yeshiva till 9 I have to take him at his lunch break. Then there's grocery shopping. Supper to make. House to clean.. Not sure how a woman is supposed to do all that plus work.
But, I do work and put in quite a few hours a day. Honestly I wish I didn't have to work. But I do what a responsible adult has to do and try to put in as many hrs as possible but it's not enuf.

amother

Snowflake ↓

Today at 11:16 am

amother OP wrote:

It's beautiful when done on an individual basis. The problem is when it becomes the communal expectations and the wife doesn't get the ability to do what works best for her and her family. Similarly, if it becomes the expectation, some men will take advantage of it and expect the wife to bear both burdens while he doesn't step up.

So whether one decides to help out her dh by working, or decides to help by cutting back on expenses, or chooses to be a SAHM so she can be fully present for her kids - each choice should be equally respected. It's an individual choice that each family needs to make for themselves and there should be no outside expectations inserted that it must be a certain way.

Most people make solid appropriate choices. They're may be a few who don't, but they don't represent the majority. We shouldn't be guilting anyone just because there are those few who don't want to pull their weight.

So good for you for doing what is best for your family. And good for the other women for doing what's best for their family!

amother

↑ Jetblack

Today at 11:20 am

amother Camellia wrote:

I started hiring more help when I realized that I make a lot more per hour than she does. To me, it's literally a business expense, because it enables me to work more hours.

Of course this isn't always possible. And it could depend on taxes and other things. But when I took a few hours of help on Sunday morning, I was then able to put in an extra hour of work every week and came out with more money from it. And was more relaxed and had more time with my kids. It didn't always work this way, but it's a good thing to consider if it might.