Rude shadchanim | Imamother

flower power

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 12:34 am

My son just came back from a Shadchan’s event and he was so upset. He is been dating for a while and has gone to a few of these events to get his name out there and introduce himself to shadchanim.
He had already met a few of them in a previous event but since they were sending suggestions that were really off the mark he decided to speak to them again at this event.
After waiting half an hr in line for his turn, when he finally sat down two of the shadchanim sitting at that table picked themselves up and said we have met this boy already without even giving him the chance to speak and left leaving him sitting there.
He felt so humiliated, and slighted!
I am so hurt for him, by the insensitivity they demonstrated to a really good boy, without even inquiring how is it going or is there something else they can be doing
I understand that shadchanim are doing this as a Chessed and sometimes it feels like its an unrewarding task. It takes a lot of effort and time on their part! I am so appreciative to all the shadchanim who reached out with suggestions. But it’s also very unnerving for singles to keep going to these events in the hopes that they will come up with a proper suggestion instead of listening to them and then sending something completely random as if they haven’t heard a word that was told to them.
My rant here is to raise awareness if there are shadchanim here reading this to be more sensitive to singles! Please treat our children as you would like your children to be treated!
More sensitivity and kindness
May all find their Bashert soon with ease and no heartbreak

singleagain

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 1:47 am

flower power wrote:

After waiting half an hr in line for his turn, when he finally sat down two of the shadchanim sitting at that table picked themselves up and said we have met this boy already without even giving him the chance to speak and left leaving him sitting there

This just flashed me back to 12th grade.. Each grade had an "advisor" type teacher and I made an appointment to talk to the 12th grade advisor about.. Something..I can't even remember what bc the second I say down she dove right into seminary bc I guess most girls talked to her about that. It was like the first week of school and I think I wanted to talk about something 12th grade related. I was so thrown.

Ppl don't be dismissive or jump into your own thoughts! Let the other person explain what they want out of the meeting

I'm so sorry for you son OP. No one deserves that kind of treatment. Next time these two ppl call tell them that they were rude and you didn't want to deal with them.

BubbyBB

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 10:30 am

I would like to give a different perspective on last night as I was there. I am one of the shadchannim who attended. I came from a great distance to attend and I certainly was not paid. I and most of the women there last night give up hours of our own family time and of our own free time to help Klal Yisroel by redting shidduchim. You have no idea how time consuming this is. Every free minute including dinner time my phone pings or mother of singles or the singles themselves reach out. I feel that my job is to give chizzuk and also to redt shidduchim. It is in the Hands of the Ribbono Shel Olam when and who each person marries.

For someone who doesn't know the workings of the organization to lash out and criticize it as someone did was very painful to me when I read it. That organization was created to help with shidduchim. They have many events and programs that they run and they have been very successful but it is certainly not a money maker. Even last night's food for the event was sponsored by private people who wanted to help. Every member shadchan is extremely dedicated and is certainly not in it for the money.

Please don't criticize the shadchannim. No we are not perfect and sometimes we make mistakes but we redt shidduchim with our whole hearts l'shem shomayim. I challenge all the readers of this thread to jump in and get active with shidduchim themselves rather than criticize. We need more shadhchannim! Klal Yisroel has grown B"H and we need more people to get involved! Please become a shadchan and always be careful to always treat your singles and their parents with utmost sensitivity.

↑ advicer ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 1:33 pm

I am one who’s involved with shidduchim daily
Not attached to any brand

Very nice you’re doing it and it’s your choice in same breathe no one forced you to do it either your choice to volunteer

And first hand heard head honcho say
“This is a brand”
They raised and raise and continually raise
$

You’re not getting paid ok
Others are
And again
Bottom line YOU chose to volunteer no one held a gun to your head .
Don’t play victim

Molly Weasley ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:01 pm

advicer wrote:

Motzei shem Rah is a real thing. You should delete your comment that she was paid.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:09 pm

flower power wrote:

I'm sorry that your son was treated this way. That's really awful!

BubbyB, as much as I appreciate that there are Shadchanim who do this L'Shem Shomayim, I think it is fair for them to hear the perspective of how young people would like and deserve to be treated. This young man should have been allowed to say what he wanted to. They could have given him 5-10 minutes of their time. It's hard for young people to go to these events as well, and they should be treated respectfully and with consideration.
Shadchanim who meet a young person for the second time should perhaps know to say "I believe we have met before. Has something changed, is there something you would like to tell us about what you are looking for?"

mathbrain

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:28 pm

Respectfully, if these events are too exhausting to the shadchanim, to the point where they end up being extremely rude to the people they are trying to help, maybe these events shouldn’t happen? Or maybe changes need to be made to the way the events are run?

It’s extremely demeaning for somebody to try to run after a Shadchan. Even worse, when they brush you off by trying to tell you that they know exactly what you want. When they’re way off base. If a single is trying to talk to you, that already takes a lot of guts from their end.

Yes, shiduchim are from Hashem. But your attitude towards men and women in shiduchim is your choice. You can make it easier or harder for them.

SaraBee ↓

Yesterday at 9:16 pm

flower power wrote:

I got married a little later, I went to some of these events and they were all really difficult, made me feel like an object. Just because there was no practical way to get to know me as a person and we are just one in 200 people putting ourselves out there to be put into a box so we can be differentiated from each other. Your son should go to meet shadchanim individually instead. Call them and ask to meet them in their homes. The same shadchan who may come across as rude at these events will likely be the opposite when sitting with him one on one.

chestnut

Yesterday at 9:24 pm

BubbyBB wrote:

With all due respect and everything you said, you didn't address OP's main complaint. Does leaving one's family at supper time to help Klal Yisroel excuse such behavior?
This critique was painful for you read, understandably. How do you think OP's son and OP felt?

↑ SaraBee

Yesterday at 9:25 pm

mathbrain wrote:

Agreed. There’s a program in Lakewood called Kesher(I think that’s the name) where about 25 shadchanim meet 15 girls in total the whole night this way they can sit and chat individually for 10 minutes with each girl. Everyone feels so respectable and valued. It’s difficult to feel like a respected individual person at an event with another 100-200 people.

octopus

Yesterday at 9:52 pm

BubbyBB wrote:

There was zero empathy in your post to op's son. Zero.

nya

Yesterday at 10:01 pm

I also got married a little later in life and I have also had negative experiences with shadchanim, some privately and some at events. Obviously many were not negative

I'm sorry but saying how much sacrifice it takes to be there and how difficult and time consuming, sorry then don't participate.
People deserve to be treated decently. I work in healthcare and am running around all day, I don't allow myself to be rude to my last patient because I'm tired.
My sister who was an older single once sat down at an event and the shadchan immediately asks her condescendingly, "so why do you think you're not married yet?"
I can go on but I won't.
To the OP I'm so sorry this happened to your son, that's horrible. I hope he finds his wife soon IYH!
I'm so happy to be out of that scene, I found it very dehumanizing.

bgr8ful

Yesterday at 10:24 pm

BubbyBB wrote:

I hear this attitude from so many shadchanim and it annoys me to no end.

the whole "I'm such a special person, I do this lsheim shamayim! and I'm busy on my phone all day! and I'm trying to help singles so how dare you have complaints" shpiel is just I dont want to see

get off your high horse. we're not asking you to be moser nefesh for all the singles of klal yisroel.

we just are asking you, very nicely and very politely, to listen to us and think about us and try to see if someone you know might fit the requirements we're looking for in a spouse. thats it.

if you want to feel like a martyr on klal yisroel's behalf thats not our problem.

nightingale1

Yesterday at 10:33 pm

BubbyBB wrote:

None of this is any reason to be rude.