Kids fighting-What the heck am I supposed to do

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:38 pm

I have 2 kids (4 and 2) and they fight constantly. I’m not exaggerating. From the minute they wake up until the minute they go to sleep they are bothering each other or hurting each other.

It’s nonstop and I’m going out of my mind. I mostly side with the younger one since he’s the baby and I feel a stronger need to protect him.

Is it normal for kids to fight all day? They don’t get along and never play nicely together. They yell at each other and egg each other on and it just doesn’t end.

I feel so sad and hopeless. I dread getting up in the morning because I know what’s to come. Picking them up from daycare is a mix of emotions because I miss them, but the minute we step inside it’s back to the fighting and chaos. I’m not managing and yes I’m in therapy for this issue. I lost my spark and confidence. I don’t enjoy them anymore and I’m so angry all the time.

amother

Lemonlime ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:43 pm

What do you do when they fight? I separated my kids into separate rooms, took toys away that they fought over, and basically told them I have zero tolerance for this behavior. They only fight once in a while now and we discuss how to resolve it, compromise, apologize, and pay more attention to each other. And yes I started this at 2.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:48 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Sometimes I take away the toy, sometimes I remove the child if it’s obvious who’s doing more damage… I started punishing the older one and sometimes I yell at them. I’m so drained and not using the right tools.

They sleep in separate rooms. They sometimes say sorry but go right back to it a minute later.

Their fighting is making me depressed and a mean mother. I can’t sympathize with them anymore, it’s just too much.

amother

↑ Lemonlime ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I mean I make them go to separate rooms when I see them fighting. They need to stay there and calm themselves down and can't be together until they have stopped.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:52 pm

When I try to look at it objectively, I think to myself that I want to just be able to laugh at this stage cuz they’re little and it’ll pass (hopefully), and cuz they fight about the dumbest things. But it’s so hard to because they are really hurting each other and it’s not a joke.

How can such little kids have such intense fights?!!!

As im posting this, I’m sitting in the playroom watching them torture each other. First verbally and then physically.

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:52 pm

I’m dealing with the same issue. Sibling rivalry is common. You could try the book “siblings without rivalry” if that works for you. Otherwise Rebbetzin Spetner has a whole class and method for this in her parenting class. It’s highly recommended. You need to work on it constantly , like everything else. The main idea from both of these sources is to listen unbiased to each child. Your kids are very small and it will probably be hard communication wise so you need to do a lot of the talking and tell each kid that you are there for them and they don’t need to take matters into their own hands.
Hatzlacha!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:53 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

I mean I make them go to separate rooms when I see them fighting. They need to stay there and calm themselves down and can't be together until they have stopped.

They’ll just come out. Or hit me which only escalates the situation…

amother

↑ Lemonlime ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

The second they start verbally you need to stop them

amother

↑ Lemonlime

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

They’ll just come out. Or hit me which only escalates the situation…

Ok so the issue is deeper than just sibling rivalry. I suggest a parenting course.

amother

Wine ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 3:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your older one is also a baby & he may be acting out because he see's & feels like he's always the one getting punished & that you side with & protect your 2 year old over him. And yelling or getting angry at them, definitely add's fuel to the fire.
You can try rewards charts for both, setting the older one up in the afternoon to do any activity by himself, taking away toys they're fighting over. Perhaps try sitting & playing with them (I know, easier said then done.) Kids often fight & act out as a way to get attention from their parents.
Best of luck!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 4:05 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Why do you usually side with the 2 year old? A 4 year old is a baby himself!

I guess it’s not logical. It’s just that one is my oldest and the other is my baby. I guess he’s the weaker one of the two, so it’s automatic.

Are 4 year olds really babies?!

mfb

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 4:10 pm

Your 2 year old is probably causing the 4 year old to react after he touches/takes something from the other!!
And YES they are absolutely both babies!!
You should try not siding with either just diffuse the situation and it will hopefully get better

amother

↑ Wine

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 4:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

I guess it’s not logical. It’s just that one is my oldest and the other is my baby. I guess he’s the weaker one of the two, so it’s automatic.

Are 4 year olds really babies?!

A 4 year old is a baby & a 4 year old can most definitely be weaker than a 2 year old! It's so so common. I had this with several of my kids, the younger one overpowered the older one & was the one that started the fights.

amother

Yarrow

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 4:13 pm

8 boys here (although some can reach the roof and look like men) fighting about 18 hrs a day .no exaggeration! Think Yom tov shabbos lol. I should be insane.
2 and 4 should really be manageable to separate. Thwy do not need to be playing together. They can and should have separate toys. They are both toddlers if they are playing together they need adult supervision. Both need to feel loved safe and heard. 4 yr olds needs include his projects toys and building not being broken by sibling. Lots of cuddles hugs lap time story time from mommy. 4 yr old is seeing 2yr old as a threat. If his belongings and adult attention is cared for this will be greatly minimized!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 4:43 pm

mfb wrote:

The 4 year old is a girl! Made me laugh that everyone assumed it was a boy. Or did I accidentally say that?

Anyway, yes she reacts to the 2 year old a lot. But she looks for fights too. She’ll tell him her thing is bigger, better… or lie to him and make him scream (and eventually hit) or she’ll randomly just shove him unprovoked if he’s nearby.

It’s a challenging dynamic and they’re definitely always supervised. I don’t trust them to be alone… I do think she views him as a threat in general and is probably jealous of him.

But I guess the best I can do right now is listen to each of them, not take sides, but also try and separate as much as possible.

I just want them to love each other and have each other’s backs 😭 wishful thinking I guess…