Feeling too stubborn

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 6:01 am

I feel nothing today going into such a holy day. I have done nothing to prepare except get some food together. I haven't apologized to anyone because it feels too disingenuous. I haven't done tshuva. I feel apathetic and then the small voice of Jew guilt comes out and worries what kind of year I will have if I can't even get myself off the chair to try.

amother

Vermilion ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 6:02 am

Can you do one small thing?

I learned that everything you do on you Kipper is magnified so one small thing is worth much more.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 6:19 am

amother Vermilion wrote:

Can you do one small thing?

I learned that everything you do on you Kipper is magnified so one small thing is worth much more.

I just got a call from a tzedakah organization that I wanted to ignore but I answered and pledged $54. So I guess that is something. They asked for a montly pledge and I said no. I guess the only people I am really sorry to is my immediate family because they take up all of my heart and I have probably hurt them the most.

DRE613

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 6:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Tell Hashem exactly how you feel, you'll feel better. Hashem wants our hearts and knows Everything. Just the fact you want to want to do better is worth so much. Xxx

amother

Fern

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 7:56 am

amother OP wrote:

I feel the same. I dont feel disconnected, I just don't feel... connected, in any way. I remember other years I felt and anticipation on erev YK. I just feel nothing now. Nervous for the fast, but thats it.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:16 am

Feel the same as you. Haven’t done anything different and I feel so guilty. I’m also pregnant and just trying to get through each day so

giftedmom

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:21 am

Lots of us have had a traumatic year and are in survival mode. As Jews a lot of our observance is based in action. You’re eating two meals today, serving your family, fasting tomorrow, maybe even davening… it says the day itself is mechaper.

amother

↑ Vermilion ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:24 am

amother Slateblue wrote:

Feel the same as you. Haven’t done anything different and I feel so guilty. I’m also pregnant and just trying to get through each day so

You've been growing a new human being all day. A new Jew. You don't have to feel guilty about being human.

amother

↑ Vermilion ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:33 am

amother OP wrote:

So apologize to them or at least one of them. That can be very beautiful and meaningful.

Every little thing you do matters. It even matters more because it's so hard. This isn't all or nothing and never was.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:47 am

amother Vermilion wrote:

I just called my mother and genuinely meant the apology. The regular people in my life I can't bring myself to call.

amother

↑ Vermilion

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:51 am

amother OP wrote:

I just called my mother and genuinely meant the apology. The regular people in my life I can't bring myself to call.

But those are the people who are most important.
It's not just a formal all the time. I was thinking about who you actually likely really hurt.

bookstore15

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:54 am

I heard something I really liked. Rabbi Yisrael salanter says the best things to do are the easiest.
If you do a small aveira that's not such a big deal to stop, and have some big problems that are impossible to stop, a lot of people would get all worked up over the big one. But that's not what we need to look at. Hashem knows it's hard! Work on the easy one!
The same is true for mitzvos. Think of a mitzvah that's easy to do. Those get the most bang for your buck. Hashem doesn't expect you to be able to do the hardest things, just the easiest.
Not sure if I expressed it clearly lol, hope it helps!
Have a good Yom tov

ayelethashachar

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 9:47 am

Yom Kippur is a day Hashem Showers us with unbelievable love, he cleans our sins and some say even if no tshuvah at all is done. However there is one condition we need to believe that the day itself brings forgiveness. We could only believe hashem loves us if we love ourselves. So for Your Yom Kippur Avodah be nice to yourself, love yourself, say If Hashem is crazy over me I must. E pretty awesome, once you love yourself deeply you will be able to accept your not perfect parts and one day do tshuva ❤️
Trying to do tshuvah when you are not obsessed with love for yourself is an excersise in futility, that's why before we say viduy we sing how much hashem loves us.