Embarrassed about the house

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Working Women

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:37 am

I feel embarrassed.

My house is a wreck, and my oldest kid's friends are starting to notice and make comments. Most of my adult friends put up with me as is, but kids are different. I'm worried this is going to affect kid socially. The house is cluttered, but it's not messy. Just a lot of toys and stuff like that. I'd also like to invite more families over, but I'm worried they'll judge us by our house.

Most of the families in our neighborhoods, including my kids' friends, have very nicely decorated and finished houses, cleaning ladies, gardeners, and we don't. Both DH and I work full time. Our house is small. Cleaning help isn't in the budget. Our furniture was second-hand when we got married years ago (except the beds). The yard needs work. So do parts of the house.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I'm just frustrated and angry. And I feel shabby and incredibly embarrassed.

I've tried flylady. I've tried keeping house while drowning. I've tried Marie Kondo. I have tried and tried and tried and tried and...I don't know what else to try anymore. And now it's going to be chagim.

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:40 am

I get you, OP. Similar boat here. It’s really frustrating.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:41 am

Do your husband and kids pitch into cleaning the house? Right now I do have cleaning help but before I did it was a joint effort between me and my husband and my children. I happen not to like cleaning and it takes me a long time so my husband end up doing most of us. We just made sure every week before Shabbos our house was spotless

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:46 am

amother Ballota wrote:

Do your husband and kids pitch into cleaning the house? Right now? I do have cleaning hop but before I did it was a joint effort between me and my husband and my children. I happen not to like the queen. It takes me a long time so my husband end up doing most of us. We just made sure every week before Shabbos our house was spotless

Yes. Kids and DH all pitch in, though the kids really only have chores erev Shabbos.

tichellady

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:50 am

I grew up with a friend like this. I love her and her family and learned that people have different struggles/challenges and keep home differently. It’s ok. Some people probably did say mean things and she learnt that they were not very kind people

amother

Aconite ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:23 am

I grew up like this at different points of childhood and it was not easy. I was so embarrassed, especially because I went to a more middle/upper class school and we had a falling apart house. After my mother died, we also had a messy not clean house. One sibling now has cleaning help every single day as cannot learn to manage or get her kids to chip in which is not good. I had to literally teach myself how to keep a house neat. Here is a long list.....

My son had a friend over yesterday. I literally scheduled in an hour to do a full sweep clean up of the first floor. It is not his fault if there is garbage to take out, dishes in sink, floor needs to be swept and things need to be put away. Why should he be embarrassed like I was? And at the same time.... No, I did not go crazy, I didn't clean up the basement with all the toys everywhere even though I knew they would be going there. Didn't do the bedrooms because we don't bring friends to bedrooms. I did make sure the main floor and main bathroom was decent, so even though the toy area was a crazy mess, the first impression is that this is a normal house, and that kids live here.

I'd say to try to really figure out a way that the first area people walk through is less cluttered and easier to maintain, and worry about other areas later. It makes a huge huge difference for yourself each time you walk in, not just for your kids.

We do not have good steady cleaning help. My kids have weekly chores- they get 2 days to do it on so they can choose to load the laundry with their laundry bin from their room either sun or mon, and again Thurs or fri morning and have to get me know they did so I can put in the detergent. They switch from washer to dryer and same process. If I need the machines between then I'll switch or call them to take care of it. Whoever is available, myself or husband takes garbage out and ties it. Whichever child is nearby brings it out. Each night a different child uses the vacuum swiffer thing, which is not so affective but better than nothing and I do a full sweep every 2 days. Dishes we are blessed with a dishwasher, myself or husband loads, kids help to unload and sort utensils whenever is needed, no set days. Counters and table I take out a spray and shmattah and whoever wants helps to wipe down with me. Basically it's around 20 min cleanup each day, build into routine of after supper or near hw time. It's a small amount of time but makes a huge difference. Bathrooms I do while child is taking a bath I quickly wipe around toilet with clorox wipes, arrange stuff by sink and wipe down, spray if necessary. For first floor I keep wipes and cleaner under sink and just do whenever I notice.

Hatzlacha, please try to make it into your routine. As a child who grew up this way.... it really is important.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:14 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wine

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:23 am

Is there a way to try to declutter

I declutter every so often after a season.

Donate old but useful toys, clothes and books
Furniture

Buy: Plastic bins for storage of stuff you want to save just think if you’ll want it in a year.

Throw out:
Old newspapers, games with missing pieces broken stuff in drawers, extra random items you’d be surprised what’s in kitchen miscellaneous drawers your shelves, all over the house.

amother

Jasmine

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:33 am

I'm so sorry, this is a really hard place to be. I grew up like that, the second hand furniture and the peeling paint didn't bother me. The clutter and gross bathrooms did so I rarely had friends over and when I did, I spent hours cleaning before.
Now, I have regular cleaning help (3 times a week, 4 hours each time) because I so desperately never want to feel that way again. It's barely in the budget, but it's so important to me because of my childhood

amother

Copper

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:34 am

I struggle with the same and grew up the same. Sometimes I feel like getting rid of almost everything and keeping bare minimum. Would be much easier to maintain. But im attached to stuff.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 2:02 pm

amother Jasmine wrote:

The bathroom ISN'T gross. I clean that.

amother

Coral

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 2:55 pm

I’m in a very similar situation, but have very little stuff so at least I don’t have clutter everywhere. And I get a rush of energy and clean up before kids bring over friends.
If you had much fewer belongings maybe that would help?

amother

Celeste

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 3:31 pm

We all love our belongings, but sometimes they don't love us back. If they get in our way, interfere with our functioning, make excess work for us, then it's time to pare them down. The clutter may not be the only problem, but it makes other problems harder to handle. A fairly empty space is easy to clean, but not so a cluttered one.

Some tips:
Get a trusted friend to help you purge.

Put anything you're unsure about into a box that you seal and put in an inconvenient location for 3 months to a year. Anything in the box that you haven't missed in that time, get rid of.

Brainstorm with the family about divvying up household responsibilities. If they don't want to be embarrassed by the mess, they have to pull their weight keeping the place clean and tidy.

Consider posting a list of "Rules for Living"-you can find it on the Net and in some gag gift shops. It goes along the lines of "If you opened it, close it. If you took it out, put it back. If you dirtied it, clean it. If you dropped it, pick it up. If you broke it, fix it." And so on.

Before investing in organizing devices, use cardboard cartons, dishpans or whatever containers you have handy to collect, sort and store your stuff while you figure out the best places to stash everything.

Try to clean as you go. A splash of cake batter, blob of oatmeal or speck of toothpaste is a cinch to wipe off the wall before it's allowed to dry into a reasonable facsimile of concrete. A spot on a shirt comes out easily if attacked immediately, and a bear to remove once it dries and hangs around oxidizing for a few days or weeks

Kids can and should learn to do their own laundry and put it away, make their own beds, put their dirty clothes and linens in the hamper, hang up their coats, vacuum or sweep their bedrooms. They can learn to clean a bathroom, wash a floor, wash dishes, clean a sink, clear a table. Husbands, too, can and should learn to do all this. If you yourself can't teach these skills, YouTube can.

OddoneOut1

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 3:40 pm

I had a friend like this growing up but it was partially also because her mom was super chillll about the mess(worked full time, really small house, tons of clutter)
I couldn’t imagine living in it, but her house was always the hotspot because the vibe was so easygoing

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 3:58 pm

I live in a fancy neighborhood and I’m just “regular”. I’ve gotten multiple comments or “suggestions” from kids such as “ew your car is already a few years old, why don’t you lease a new one” or “your house doesn’t look as pretty as mine, why don’t you buy a new couch”…
These comments usually come from young children. I try to not take them personally and to answer lightly with something like “this is what works for our family but I’m happy your family does something that works better for you” and move on.

I do sometimes feel bad but I try to work on myself (and remind myself that they’re innocent children who are too young to know what’s appropriate to focus on and say at this point, to remember how much good I have in my life…)

My house is definitely the “hangout” house for my kids and their friends though!

zaq

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:02 pm

Is your house shabby? Nobody's addressed that. If you can't afford to renovate, then repair, clean and polish what you can and camouflage the rest. A little paint for woodwork that's peeling or so old it won't come clean; Old English Scratch Cover, wood stain or permanent marker in a matching shade for scarred
wood furniture; paint if it's so bad that you'd need the whole bottle of scratch cover to hide all the spots; white nail polish or White Out for chipped white kitchen appliances or bathroom fixtures; iron-on appliques for stains or holes on upholstered furniture; fabric throws--can even be a tablecloth or sheet--to hide boxes or superannuated occasional tables and the like; a slipcover or colorful blanket on a tired couch or easy chair... It won't make your place qualify for House Beautiful but it'll look fresher and less shabby. Think of it as makeup for your house.

Check out Apartment Therapy and similar websites for ideas on restoring/ painting furniture and in general giving your home a facelift. Sometimes even just replacing or painting rusty or scratched hardware can improve the looks of something, exactly the way a new pair of earrings enhanced a face.

amother

Arcticblue

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:35 pm

I live in a very tiny apartment that is falling apart and I invited some guests over, some happen to be very wealthy, but at the same time I wasn't sure they had where to go because they are secular. They were very excited and accepted my invitation! They will see that we don't have means but you know, we can't keep being embarrassed and let that keep us from inviting, for example.
Whoever judges by what you have needs to grow , and you don't have to me embarrassed.

amother

↑ Aconite

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:28 pm

amother Arcticblue wrote:

Yes, same here!! We lived in a small basement apartment for years and years, and we were being financially smart and saving for our house. We have such incredible memories from that apartment! Still, same things apply. It was clean, as clutter free as possible, area walked into felt taken care of even if there was a mess of toys/living in small place clutter a bit ahead. We had secular guests, typical guests, tons of yeshiva bochurim for meals and so on

GettingThere

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:45 pm

Just want to say I grew up in a disgusting dirty smelly house. I was super embarrassed..but it wasn’t the clutter or shabbiness it was the grime.
Clutter is fine, mess is lived in. Ur kids will still bring friends over as long as its not dirty:)

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:01 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

NGL, you’re nicer than I would be, because I’d respond something akin to, “sure, just give me enough money to do it and I’ll get right on it for ya!” LOL

familyfirst

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:13 pm

Just keep what’s essential

It’ll free your head and your space and make living in small quarters much more doable

Pretend you’re moving
Only move what you absolutely need or you’ll be paying for shipping

That’s the litmus test

Add a few extra toys and outfit but that’s it

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next