Embarrassed about the house

amother

OP ↓

Today at 9:37 am

I feel embarrassed.

My house is a wreck, and my oldest kid's friends are starting to notice and make comments. Most of my adult friends put up with me as is, but kids are different. I'm worried this is going to affect kid socially. The house is cluttered, but it's not messy. Just a lot of toys and stuff like that. I'd also like to invite more families over, but I'm worried they'll judge us by our house.

Most of the families in our neighborhoods, including my kids' friends, have very nicely decorated and finished houses, cleaning ladies, gardeners, and we don't. Both DH and I work full time. Our house is small. Cleaning help isn't in the budget. Our furniture was second-hand when we got married years ago (except the beds). The yard needs work. So do parts of the house.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I'm just frustrated and angry. And I feel shabby and incredibly embarrassed.

I've tried flylady. I've tried keeping house while drowning. I've tried Marie Kondo. I have tried and tried and tried and tried and...I don't know what else to try anymore. And now it's going to be chagim.

amother

Lightblue

Today at 9:40 am

I get you, OP. Similar boat here. It’s really frustrating.

amother

Ballota

Today at 9:41 am

Do your husband and kids pitch into cleaning the house? Right now? I do have cleaning hop but before I did it was a joint effort between me and my husband and my children. I happen not to like the queen. It takes me a long time so my husband end up doing most of us. We just made sure every week before Shabbos our house was spotless

amother

↑ OP

Today at 9:46 am

amother Ballota wrote:

Yes. Kids and DH all pitch in, though the kids really only have chores erev Shabbos.

tichellady

Today at 9:50 am

I grew up with a friend like this. I love her and her family and learned that people have different struggles/challenges and keep home differently. It’s ok. Some people probably did say mean things and she learnt that they were not very kind people

amother

Aconite

Today at 10:23 am

I grew up like this at different points of childhood and it was not easy. I was so embarrassed, especially because I went to a more middle/upper class school and we had a falling apart house. After my mother died, we also had a messy not clean house. One sibling now has cleaning help every single day as cannot learn to manage or get her kids to chip in which is not good. I had to literally teach myself how to keep a house neat. Here is a long list.....

My son had a friend over yesterday. I literally scheduled in an hour to do a full sweep clean up of the first floor. It is not his fault if there is garbage to take out, dishes in sink, floor needs to be swept and things need to be put away. Why should he be embarrassed like I was? And at the same time.... No, I did not go crazy, I didn't clean up the basement with all the toys everywhere even though I knew they would be going there. Didn't do the bedrooms because we don't bring friends to bedrooms. I did make sure the main floor and main bathroom was decent, so even though the toy area was a crazy mess, the first impression is that this is a normal house, and that kids live here.

I'd say to try to really figure out a way that the first area people walk through is less cluttered and easier to maintain, and worry about other areas later. It makes a huge huge difference for yourself each time you walk in, not just for your kids.

We do not have good steady cleaning help. My kids have weekly chores- they get 2 days to do it on so they can choose to load the laundry with their laundry bin from their room either sun or mon, and again Thurs or fri morning and have to get me know they did so I can put in the detergent. They switch from washer to dryer and same process. If I need the machines between then I'll switch or call them to take care of it. Whoever is available, myself or husband takes garbage out and ties it. Whichever child is nearby brings it out. Each night a different child uses the vacuum swiffer thing, which is not so affective but better than nothing and I do a full sweep every 2 days. Dishes we are blessed with a dishwasher, myself or husband loads, kids help to unload and sort utensils whenever is needed, no set days. Counters and table I take out a spray and shmattah and whoever wants helps to wipe down with me. Basically it's around 20 min cleanup each day, build into routine of after supper or near hw time. It's a small amount of time but makes a huge difference. Bathrooms I do while child is taking a bath I quickly wipe around toilet with clorox wipes, arrange stuff by sink and wipe down, spray if necessary. For first floor I keep wipes and cleaner under sink and just do whenever I notice.

Hatzlacha, please try to make it into your routine. As a child who grew up this way.... it really is important.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:14 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wine

Today at 10:23 am

Is there a way to try to declutter

I declutter every so often after a season.

Donate old but useful toys, clothes and books
Furniture

Buy: Plastic bins for storage of stuff you want to save just think if you’ll want it in a year.

Throw out:
Old newspapers, games with missing pieces broken stuff in drawers, extra random items you’d be surprised what’s in kitchen miscellaneous drawers your shelves, all over the house.

amother

Jasmine

Today at 10:33 am

I'm so sorry, this is a really hard place to be. I grew up like that, the second hand furniture and the peeling paint didn't bother me. The clutter and gross bathrooms did so I rarely had friends over and when I did, I spent hours cleaning before.
Now, I have regular cleaning help (3 times a week, 4 hours each time) because I so desperately never want to feel that way again. It's barely in the budget, but it's so important to me because of my childhood

amother

Copper

Today at 10:34 am

I struggle with the same and grew up the same. Sometimes I feel like getting rid of almost everything and keeping bare minimum. Would be much easier to maintain. But im attached to stuff.