What bothers me about seminaries

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:04 pm

I really don’t understand this whole idea of seminary girls having to figure out where to go every Shabbos and Yom Tov. It’s a lot of pressure for someone living far from home for her first time. Especially that the chagim start a few weeks after they’ve arrived and they’re still trying to acclimate to all this. Why can’t sems just make Shabbos and Yom Tov in house at least for the first couple of months?

My daughter is seriously considering leaving sem because of this and I don’t blame her.

Am I the only one?

Sewsew_mom ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:12 pm

Why is she there to begin with. This isn't new information.
It's a terrible midda to teach girls to schnurr meals for chagim and shabbos. The system will only stop when mothers stop sending their girls.
And also.. It's nothing new.
Sorry she's experiencing this. It's truly hard. I still have bad feelings from having to be needy in seminary. I'm out of there for over 20 years.

amother

Gray

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:15 pm

I suppose every place is different. But my daughter was in seminary last year and they were always allowed to stay in and meals were provided if they needed even if it wasn't an in shabbos. Lots of girls liked going out especially if they had family and friends to go to. But for those without that kind of network, the dorm was always available. I guess it could have felt lonely if a girls friends weren't staying in too. But my daughter ended up being friends with girls like her, who didn't have where to go and they stayed in a lot together except when they were invited to go along to a friends relatives.

amother

Impatiens ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:16 pm

My seminary had a person in charge of placement. You could sign up every week and Yom tov to be placed with a vetted family that wanted guests. Call her eim habayis and tell her she’s struggling this and can they help her out. Many teachers also host girls for Yom tov.

amother

Watermelon

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:19 pm

I think seminaries are slowly changing. Unless it’s immediate family, no one wants or has room for sleepover guests.
My daughter is there now. It’s a huge pressure finding meals but at least she can sleep in her dorm and walk.
A few years ago, they were closing the dorms.
It’s one of the things that have to change.
Especially Rosh Hashonah. There should be a spiritual program with focus on davening and meaning of yom tov. It’s not a yom tov to run around.

amother

Viola

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:24 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

You are being pretty harsh, just something to consider.

↑ Sewsew_mom

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:41 pm

amother Viola wrote:

You are being pretty harsh, just something to consider.

Thanks.
Sometimes the truth is harsh.

If a girl is stating she's ready to come home after two weeks in seminary, it would make me wonder why she went. Did she not know about this before? That's not OK to mislead girls. And if they did let the girls know, what was her plan.
I think it's rediculous and Ive lived there myself and my family all lives there. And the pressure they have to host all these girls who belong in a school environment is really challenging on both ends.

amother

Snowflake

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:48 pm

I absolutely hated going out for shabbos and yom tov. And yes my seminary had a placement person who would find us places but I absolutely did it want to go to total strangers. So awkward and uncomfortable, especially the sleeping over part.

I did have some family in Israel but not the type I'm super close with. I would have been perfectly happy staying in seminary for every single shabbos and yom tov and going to family occasionally.

amother

↑ Impatiens

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:06 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

It’s a huge adjustment curve being on your own and in a foreign country. When I went every single girl begged to go home at least once the first month. After sukkos we all laughed at ourselves. It’s normal to find the situation hard at first it doesn’t mean it’s actually that terrible.

amother

Slateblue ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:36 pm

My daughter is in seminary now and the dorms and seminary are always open. They have to stay in seminary for RH and YK. The seminary gets them shuls and provides all YT meals. We BH have tons of family in EY so she always has where to go but she can also stay in sem whenever she wants. So there’s no pressure.

amother

Poppy ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:38 pm

As someone who left seminary after chagim this was a huge factor into what made me leave. I was having such intense anxiety surrounding it. Yes I had a lot of other issues, but it pushed me over the edge.

amother

Lemonlime

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 12:55 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

Just so everyone who sends their daughters understands....this is not true. I used to get call ALL THE TIME from these women in charge of placement. They would call me on Wed/Thurs night and beg me to take their girls "who have no where else to go". It was getting absolutely ridiculous and I told them to stop calling me.

No, I did not want to host these girls. I have enough calls from girls who I kind-of-sort-of-maybe know their mother/sister/grandmother etc. I don't need the placement women as well. After many years, I have decided that we only will host girls that we actually have a real connection to. Besides, my boys are getting older and it doesn't work any more.

But no, we are no chalishing to host scores of sem girls every week. (While the seminaries rake it in and pass off the girls for the most expensive meals of the week.)

amother

Blush ↓

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 2:57 pm

I hosted a sem girl (sleepover) last week—she asked if she could bring friends but I said no. (last year I did host groups of 2-3 girls a few times.) another one this week (a niece).

I am happy to have my niece, and I like to help people who need help, but honestly the system is very strange to me. why am I doing extra laundry, cooking extra food, moving my kids out of their beds, having strangers in my bedroom (not literally but my house is very small, so any sleepover guest very much infringes on my privacy)—for what reason? honestly I have a lot going on, and I resent being put in this position. I also feel bad for the girls needing to find themselves places—they shouldn’t be put in this position either!

(and ftr I did go to sem, and hated the pressure to find places as a girl too.)

Elfrida ↓

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 3:10 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

Even with someone to place you with a family, it's not nice to have to walk into a strange family every week. When you can at least stay in the dorm and sleep in your own bed it's easier, but having to go out just for meals every week is a huge stress. Next week it's six meals in a row, as well as coordinating with your hosts about davening times. It really makes Rosh HaShana difficult.

I'm not sure about the families wanting guests. Almost every week I see appeals on the local WhatsApp group or email list asking for people to host girls from this or that seminary. They're sometimes repeated two or three days in a row. Families are not lining up to host seminary girls.

Brit in Israel ↓

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 3:14 pm

Why can't they do it like seminary's in the UK?
They provide meals and if you have family you are allowed to eat out.
Occasionally one of the Rabbonim will eat there with their family.
Majority of girls stayed in sem, some of us volunteered to make salads or cakes to add to the meal and it was really nice.