How to help ND kiddos with meltdowns (not tantrums)

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Sat, Aug 17 2024, 6:57 pm

This is one of the hardest parts of raising ND kids for me. I don't know how to help them with meltdowns. When they get stuck on something and melt down, I have no tools to help them regulate.
Talking to them makes it worse (any talk, validating, empathy, problem solving). Holding them doesn't work, distracting doesn't work, and they just get more and more disregulated.
Shabbos was hell. I need to not hear crying and wailing or freak outs for the next 24 hours or I will myself lose it.
Yes they are on medication.

amother

Tuberose

Sat, Aug 17 2024, 6:59 pm

Depending on the type, this book might help you have ideas.

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors https://a.co/d/5WX6EKJ

amother

Wine

Sat, Aug 17 2024, 7:07 pm

Again your kids aren’t my kids, but I find taking off their socks (they’re never wearing shoes ) and rubbing their feet is magical here. Worth trying?

amother

Magnolia

Sat, Aug 17 2024, 7:15 pm

Motrin or Bach rescue remedy

Ice cube on the nape of the neck or in their palm to shock them back into parasympathetic mode

amother

Hibiscus ↓

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 11:00 am

When my ND son has a meltdown, he is like what you are describing. He cannot talk and any attempt to try to talk or reason with him only makes it worse because he literally can't process what is being said and it just increases his feeling of overwhelm and pressure. Touching is straight out. He has found that when he is having a meltdown, he goes to a quiet space like his room or the couch if no one is home and wraps himself in a big fuzzy blanket. He needs quiet and prefers darkness to pull himself out. He actually used to go under his mattress or into cabinets, but has now discovered the blanket works just fine.

Once he has calmed down, which can take 15-30 mins depending on the severity of the meltdown, he can talk about it and we can brainstorm solutions to whatever set it off.

The most I will do in the moment of the meltdown is say something like "you are having a meltdown. You need to take your break now" because he often doesn't recognize for himself that he is struggling. If I catch it before it blows into a full meltdown, the calming down period is much shorter.

LovesHashem

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 11:47 am

Can you discuss and explore what things calm them down when they are not in the meltdown?

amother

Canary

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 11:50 am

amother Hibiscus wrote:

How old is your son? Sounds like he has a lot of self awareness and willingness to do what helps him.

My kids are not holding there.

JLi

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 11:51 am

Oh don't I know....
So here are my tricks, and no they don't always work...
But my theory is meldown=overstimulation of the sensory's
So I focus on 1 Sensory and "flood" it with
Compressions or Hard massage + rolling in a blanket or Drop an ice/ igloo next to him/her.
Those work for me about 30-40%, which I count as alot !!!
If you need me to elaborate, I'm willing.

amother

↑ Hibiscus

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 2:04 pm

amother Canary wrote:

How old is your son? Sounds like he has a lot of self awareness and willingness to do what helps him.

My kids are not holding there.

He is 15 and yes, he is BH very self aware now. It's been a rough road and while it sounds pretty solid now, it took a lot of patience and work from both of us for him to realize what helps and be able to express it. For example, when he was younger we realized he could only communicate what bothered him in writing, so instead of trying to have a conversation he would draw a comic or write down why he was upset and then we could work from that. As he got older, he found the words and doesn't need the writing as a communication tool anymore. It's been a lot of trial and error, and a lot of the time I felt like we got it wrong way more than we got it right but we just kept trying. I'm struggling through the same trial and error with my second ND son now, and it's way different than my first but I think we're getting there.

Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? I didn't for a long time because I don't consider my children explosive since aside from meltdowns they are actually pretty calm, but when I did I found that it basically matches how I try to parent.

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