Tantrums - emotionally aware response

amother

Sat, Mar 23 2024, 6:51 pm

New to the toddler tantrum stage, my first is turning 1.5 and recently started.

I try to stay near him and give words to what's going on for him - you are really mad he took the toy, you're so upset mommy won't give you the phone, etc. And to rub him if he lets. My understanding is he's coping with big emotions and this is the natural expression of that at this stage.

But often I still feel overwhelmed. Maybe that's something I need to work on for myself, to stay calm despite my child being anything but. Happy to hear more thoughts/tips.

Also I know behaviorally you should avoid giving into tantrums because it reinforces them as a good way to get what they want. But what about when it's something I would be happy to help with? Lets say if the tantrum is because he got stuck on his bike and then fell off. I'm happy to help him back on, but is that reinforcing a negative behavior? My gut feeling is it's fine but just wondering.

mushkamothers

Sat, Mar 23 2024, 8:44 pm

Janet Lansbury is a great resource. Books blog or podcast.

Yes help him on the bike. But if he's throwing a fit bc you said no cookies and you give in and give him a cookie- that's reinforcing.

amother

Zinnia

Sat, Mar 23 2024, 8:57 pm

When my toddler cries because she is frustrated then I try to give her the words- I taught her to say "I need help" sometimes I try to encourage her to try it on her own and then I make a big deal when she succeeds

When she cries because I said no to something, like a treat, I validate "I know you really want ices but you already had ices when we came home from the park" and then I ignore. After a little while she calms herself down and goes off to play.

I try to say yes most of the time, this way I'm not always saying no to things she asks. I feel it's better to say "hmmm let me think for a minute" rather than saying no and then end of giving because you really didn't mean no.
Like if you don't really care if your toddler plays with playdoh but you immediately say "no" because you don't feel like cleaning up after, but then after your toddler cries you say "okay fine"

the world's best mom

Sat, Mar 23 2024, 9:10 pm

Crying because he fell off his bike in not negative behavior. That's normal.

If he cries because he wants something that you are okay with him having, I would help him ask nicely without crying and then give it to him. (if he is capable of that. Some kids are not ready for that, and even those who usually are will have some times they are too hysterical and can't calm down.) He is only 1.5, which is very young for this, but it depends on his abilities.

If he wants something he can't have, I would hug him, hold him, help him calm down, but remain firm in saying no to him.

As a general rule: once you say no to a kid, you have to stick with it, even if he tantrums for hours. So think hard before saying no- is this worth the tantrum that might follow? If you will be tempted to give in to the tantrum, then just say yes in the first place.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 3:20 am

I love tantrums!

Ok you need to first know that if you try and stop one using distraction etc, it will still be in their body and will come out later - so do your best to give them space to get it all out.

If you are going to say yes later, because of the tantrumming, don't bother saying no.

And even in public, don't get stressed about other people - if its in an enclosed space like someone's house, I'd take the child to an empty room so noone gets a headache. And in a very large shop don't worry - let them cry, step back and figure out what they need, and then ask them if that's what they would like.

Just my opinion and everyone's children are different, but this is what works for me.

Good luck Smile