No one is a favorite and everyone is complaining

amother

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:48 pm

My kids are constantly complaining that a different child is more privileged or treated better than them. They aren't complaining about one child. Each child has the same complaint that they have it the worst. I treat them the worst. I don't care about them the way I care about a different child. They are always comparing and complaining.
I explained to them so many times that everyone gets what they need and that we each have different special things. Each of my children have things that other children don't. I work really hard to give each one attention and different extra curricular things and special treats in different ways. Why do they each feel like they are treated badly especially in comparison to other children?

How do I change this dynamic in our home????

violet1 ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:12 pm

I'm in the same boat.
My kids are 11, 8, 6 yr old twins.
The oldest is the only boy so he has his own room. It's not fair.
Middle child got a new dresser because she had no room in the girls cupboard. It's not fair.
One twin went to a friend. It's not fair.
Meanwhile, the other twin went swimming. It's not fair.

I comfort myself by saying that as long as no one is happy I'm doing a pretty good job being fair 😂

Hopefully someone has good advice.

iluvy

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:54 pm

I have a rule with my kids that I won't respond to any complaint that has to do with what another kid has.

"Why does he have a dresser in his room and not me?"
"I'm not talking about him. What do you personally want?"
"I want a dresser like he has. It's not fair that he has a dresser."
"Are you trying to say you want a dresser in your room?"
"Yes"
---discuss pros and cons of a dresser in his room without allowing reference to the other kid---

amother

Springgreen

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 4:33 pm

I don’t allow comparing or talking about what anyone else has. I tell them if you think you need something you can make a request for it and we will discuss why you will or will not get it. Leave everyone else out of your reasoning, I don’t engage or listen to it.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 4:43 pm

Mantras

"Life isn't fair"

"Fair is everyone getting what they need, not what someone else has"

"Tell me what YOU want, or how YOU'RE feeling, not what your brother/sister has."

Rinse ans repeat

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 5:20 pm

I’m pretty sure this is normal because my kids do that same

“Can I have X like Eli”
“No, you can ask me for X because you want it not because Eli has it”

I also explain to them that everyone doesn’t get the same things. Do all the houses look the same? Should we all have the exact same house with exact same things inside? Or his cousin doesn’t have X so we should get rid of ours so that no one has what other person doesn’t have.

I think just need to keep teaching them and eventually they will get it

I also keep repeating that if they want to be rich they need to be happy with what they have

↑ violet1

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:04 am

iluvy wrote:

I have a rule with my kids that I won't respond to any complaint that has to do with what another kid has.
---

Yes, this is a great policy. I especially have to do this with my twins. One will say "I want what she has to eat". I ask what she has and the answer is "I don't know but I want it too".

I tell everyone to ask for what they want/need/think for themselves without comparing to what the others have.
It's a very unhappy life to be constantly comparing what you have with the others around you.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 2:07 am

violet1 wrote:

It's a very unhappy life to be constantly comparing what you have with the others around you.

This should be pinned.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 2:22 am

Not sure if this will help, but maybe start a practice where everyone says something they're grateful for every day? You can have a chart, if age appropriate, where people can get up to 3 stars a day for saying something up to 3 things they're grateful for.

Also at dinner you can go around where everyone describes in detail something they enjoyed about their day. Like focus on details while telling, the colour of the room/grass/sky etc.

And do 1 spontaneous chessed (even tiny) for another person each day, when they see an opportunity. (Again, a chart may be helpful if appropriate.)

All these are things that can retrain a brain to focus on the positive instead of this negative "what am I lacking" loop. Doing a kind thing also makes us tune into others empathetically, looking for how we can benefit them instead of creating distance by focusing on what we think they shouldn't have.