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-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Tue, Jul 23 2024, 3:47 pm
Someone mentioned on a parenting thread about “free-for-all houses” not working out in the long run.
I’m curious what a “free-for-all” household would look like to different posters and also how they describe their own parenting style, to know where they’re coming from.
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amother
Magenta
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 4:24 pm
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To the mothers on the other threads horrified that some mothers would "allow" a ten year old a snack before bed, and applauding that mom micromanaging every second of her daughters bedtime routine. There is literally no argument in the world you can give me that will convince me that micromanaged kids do better in the long run. 15, 20, 30 years down the line. In their relationships, jobs, as parents. I think micromanaging kids is unhealthy.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 4:51 pm
| amother Magenta wrote: | | To the mothers on the other threads horrified that some mothers would "allow" a ten year old a snack before bed, and applauding that mom micromanaging every second of her daughters bedtime routine. There is literally no argument in the world you can give me that will convince me that micromanaged kids do better in the long run. 15, 20, 30 years down the line. In their relationships, jobs, as parents. I think micromanaging kids is unhealthy. |
I didn't see anyone horrified that kids have snack before bed. I
I saw a lot of exaggeration there and now again.
It's not micromanaging to teach a child how to follow a schedule in order to get to a destination successfully. In this case bedtime. I use it all the time for my children when we need to leave the house to go somewhere. 7 mins before we make sure our hands and face are clean and hair isn't messy. 5 mins before we use the bathroom. 2 mins before we put on our shoes.
To get to bedtime: a certain amount of minutes before, each task must get done so that we are ready for bed smoothly, happily, and healthily.
It teaches scheduling and responsibility. And when I'm out at an event or a friend, they know what to do and when, to accomplish each step to put themselves to bed successfully.
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amother
Vermilion
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 4:52 pm
| amother Magenta wrote: | | To the mothers on the other threads horrified that some mothers would "allow" a ten year old a snack before bed, and applauding that mom micromanaging every second of her daughters bedtime routine. There is literally no argument in the world you can give me that will convince me that micromanaged kids do better in the long run. 15, 20, 30 years down the line. In their relationships, jobs, as parents. I think micromanaging kids is unhealthy. |
What would appropriate boundaries look like in your opinion?
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 4:54 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Someone mentioned on a parenting thread about “free-for-all houses” not working out in the long run.
I’m curious what a “free-for-all” household would look like to different posters and also how they describe their own parenting style, to know where they’re coming from. |
People on the other thread are thinking in the extreme. They're so rigid and firm on enforcing their many rules, that in their mind, being flexible is automatically a "free for all home." There's a healthy balance.
A pre teen shouldn't be treated with such rigidity as if she's not a human being.
A rigid home is not a warm home. Some parents are so in to boundaries & rules, that they're forgetting that they're raising actual humans.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 4:57 pm
My house is probably a free for all house.
If you want a cookie instead of supper as long as you don't ask me or make a big deal, go eat cookies.
I won't make you brush your teeth or shower or clean your room.
You can go to bed whenever you want but at some point I won't be able to sit with you anymore
I won't make you clean up your toys as long as you play in designated areas
If you want pizza for supper I will go out and buy you some, but slush only sometimes
You can visit friends whenever you want and I will drive you if I'm up to it
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:00 pm
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You do see long term damage of no boundaries. These kids grow up to be wives, mothers and women who can’t run a house, keep a job or do anything. They post here all the time. Routines and boundaries do not equal rigid.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:17 pm
| amother Kiwi wrote: | | You do see long term damage of no boundaries. These kids grow up to be wives, mothers and women who can’t run a house, keep a job or do anything. They post here all the time. Routines and boundaries do not equal rigid. |
This is very black & white thinking.
No one is saying no boundaries at all. Just that flexibility is important & not to be so rigid. Especially with a pre teen.
Think about the child & not only about yourself and your rules.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:19 pm
| amother Kiwi wrote: | | You do see long term damage of no boundaries. These kids grow up to be wives, mothers and women who can’t run a house, keep a job or do anything. They post here all the time. Routines and boundaries do not equal rigid. |
People are using terms as if we all mean the same thing when we say “rigid”.
That’s why I’m asking what a “free-for-all” house looks like. What’s the working definition *in your mind*?
One poster gave examples of hers 😄
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:20 pm
| amother Buttercup wrote: | This is very black & white thinking.
No one is saying no boundaries at all. Just that flexibility is important & not to be so rigid. Especially with a pre teen.
Think about the child & not only about yourself and your rules. |
It’s in response to black and white thinking and screaming rigid about rules and routine.
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amother
Aqua
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:21 pm
| amother Zinnia wrote: | My house is probably a free for all house.
If you want a cookie instead of supper as long as you don't ask me or make a big deal, go eat cookies.
I won't make you brush your teeth or shower or clean your room.
You can go to bed whenever you want but at some point I won't be able to sit with you anymore
I won't make you clean up your toys as long as you play in designated areas
If you want pizza for supper I will go out and buy you some, but slush only sometimes
You can visit friends whenever you want and I will drive you if I'm up to it |
Are you my neighbor?
Becuase my neighbor has such a home.
And her kids are the nastiest kids on the block. they dont now right from wrong. They have no clue how to maintain proper relationships. They don't know how to treat others and how to share....
My neighbor will whatsapp on the group at 11:45 asking who sees her 11 year old and to send her home....
Kids need stability. They need routine and also flexibility.
My kids need to eat what I cook. There is enough of a variety that they can get full without needing to eat food they don't like.
They needs to be in bed at a certain time.
They absolutely must shower and brush/floss their teeth.
They def do need to put away their toys, dirty laundry and their school/camp stuff or other messes.
They can also have ices/ice cream/chips/cake/cookies freely within reason. And no not right before supper.
They also need to chip in from time to time. Like running to the corner grocery, babysitting or even changing a wet diaper in a pinch.
They each have to help clean for shabbos on their own level.
My kids need to be home by 8-830 latest as I do not allow kids to be out after dark.
Within those basics there is plenty of flexibility and I think every mother can choose for herself. But no cleanup ever no personal hygiene... it's neglectful imo.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:21 pm
| amother Kiwi wrote: | | You do see long term damage of no boundaries. These kids grow up to be wives, mothers and women who can’t run a house, keep a job or do anything. They post here all the time. Routines and boundaries do not equal rigid. |
(The women here who post having a hard time managing all say that they grew up without boundaries? From my point of view I remember it’s either real trauma or ADHD. Tell me more)
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:22 pm
| amother Kiwi wrote: | | You do see long term damage of no boundaries. These kids grow up to be wives, mothers and women who can’t run a house, keep a job or do anything. They post here all the time. Routines and boundaries do not equal rigid. |
But an over emphasis on routines and boundaries also harms them, creating adults who cant handle a change in routine.
I know some of these adults who really don't handle new jobs, new babies, kids being sick, etc.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:22 pm
| amother OP wrote: | People are using terms as if we all mean the same thing when we say “rigid”.
That’s why I’m asking what a “free-for-all” house looks like. What’s the working definition *in your mind*?
One poster gave examples of hers 😄 |
It means having no rules or boundaries. Kids do as they please. Parents have no say or control. Most of the time those kids are disrespectful and have no respect for their parents; why should they. And we can all tell, whether we are their teachers, bosses, or mother’s hosting the play date.
Rules and boundaries doesn’t mean rigid or not flexible.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:24 pm
| amother NeonPurple wrote: | But an over emphasis on routines and boundaries also harms them, creating adults who cant handle a change in routine.
I know some of these adults who really don't handle new jobs, new babies, kids being sick, etc. |
It really doesn’t. And I mean routine I don’t mean controlling parents. All kids I see who have severe anxiety also have parents who set no rules or boundaries. Kids crave it. They want the burden of life to be on their parents not on them.
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amother
Slateblue
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:28 pm
I’d like to think my home is somewhere in the middle … I grew up with a rigid mom ..
- my kids shower 3 times a week by my instruction. One kid gives me a hard time, I’ll let her shower in the morning if she prefers but we try to figure out a time that works for her
- kids leave the house in the morn in clean clothes with hair made. I try to ask for help packing their camp bags but If one is in an unhelpful mood I’ll help them out
- I make a protein and carb for dinner and sometimes a vegetable (better about it winter time with soups) I have one kid who almost never eats and will have a yogurt or similar
- I don’t have rules with amounts of snacks or freeze pops just not before breakfast or meals im general..
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:28 pm
I guess I’m rigid 😜 because saying things like “no boundaries” varies in meaning- in my opinion- from person to person.
To some it means no bedtime ever and to some it means eating an apple before bed.
And I started the thread asking what that looks like to you.
Anyone?
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:31 pm
| amother Aqua wrote: | Are you my neighbor?
Becuase my neighbor has such a home.
And her kids are the nastiest kids on the block. they dont now right from wrong. They have no clue how to maintain proper relationships. They don't know how to treat others and how to share....
My neighbor will whatsapp on the group at 11:45 asking who sees her 11 year old and to send her home....
Kids need stability. They need routine and also flexibility.
My kids need to eat what I cook. There is enough of a variety that they can get full without needing to eat food they don't like.
They needs to be in bed at a certain time.
They absolutely must shower and brush/floss their teeth.
They def do need to put away their toys, dirty laundry and their school/camp stuff or other messes.
They can also have ices/ice cream/chips/cake/cookies freely within reason. And no not right before supper.
They also need to chip in from time to time. Like running to the corner grocery, babysitting or even changing a wet diaper in a pinch.
They each have to help clean for shabbos on their own level.
My kids need to be home by 8-830 latest as I do not allow kids to be out after dark.
Within those basics there is plenty of flexibility and I think every mother can choose for herself. But no cleanup ever no personal hygiene... it's neglectful imo. |
I don't disagree that boundaries are important and I'm falling short of my ideals but why would this turn kids to have bad middos. My kids get along well with others. Not perfectly but definitely not nasty.
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amother
Coral
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:31 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | (The women here who post having a hard time managing all say that they grew up without boundaries? From my point of view I remember it’s either real trauma or ADHD. Tell me more) | I have a hard time managing its adhd plus always being a follower. Never being able to have freedom and charge of my life. So now I have a hard time with making decisions without my mother managing me.
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amother
Acacia
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:33 pm
| amother OP wrote: | People are using terms as if we all mean the same thing when we say “rigid”.
That’s why I’m asking what a “free-for-all” house looks like. What’s the working definition *in your mind*?
One poster gave examples of hers 😄 |
A home with no bedtime for any ages, no mealtime or snack limits *at all*, kids out at all hours with parents not caring.
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