Appropriate response when 13 year old son hits me

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:36 pm

I appreciate any thoughtful responses. I don't mind criticism; I'd like to learn something from others who can avoid or navigate these situations better than me.

Background:

My son just turned 13. He is our eldest; we have 4 younger children. He is smart, kind, and popular. He has no social or emotional issues. However, a few times a week he will start a fight or lose his temper and things spiral quickly. He will likely name call, swear, or hit one of his younger siblings (most likely) or either me or my husband (less likely).

My husband and I are involved parents. We express our love to our kids, try to keep them active and really like spending time with them. I am more of the disciplinarian. I think that I give my kids a pretty loose leash but do not tolerate meanness/physical abuse.

I was a terrible teen and mouthed off to my parents all the time. I'm not proud of it but I think it's normal for kids to express anger toward a parent. But an older child hitting a parent is beyond the limit, in my opinion.

Today:

My son got annoyed at me because I told him to stop spraying room spray around the kitchen (he thought it smelled bad in there) but he did not stop so I took the bottle away from him. He reacted by whacking me with a t-shirt he was holding, hard. He then said "oops, my bad," and tried to pretend it was an accident. It was intentional.

I took the tshirt (his favorite one) and threw it outside in the big dumpster. I told him he was grounded for the entire day. It's July 4th and we have a few fun events and activities on today. He cannot join us. He showed no remorse, tried to pretend he didn't care he was grounded (I know he was very excited to go out today/tonight) and then told my husband to "shut up, idiot" when DH tried to explain the consequence.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. I know that if we don't figure out how to manage this it will likely escalate over the teen years. Also, my younger children are watching and learning.

Please advise. Is hitting normal?! What would you do in this situation?

mummiedearest ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:40 pm

I think you did ok. I don’t think dh needed to explain the consequence. Your son knows what he did. Consequence, then move on.

imaima ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:42 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I think you did ok. I don’t think dh needed to explain the consequence. Your son knows what he did. Consequence, then move on.

Agree
I would add another consequence for disrespect towards dh but that’s me…

amother

Mustard ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:42 pm

Maybe Im wrong. I also only have one teen at the moment.

I wouldnt get physical to begin with when it comes to a kid like this. Meaning you got physical first in his mind because you took away the bottle. So he responded physically by wacking you.

I would try to go salvage the t shirt but maintain the grounding.

Going forward, keep all interactions verbal only and if he doesnt listen when you stay stop spraying the bottle, react verbally instead of physically.

amother

Cantaloupe ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:42 pm

I think you had an appropriate response. He might not seem upset, but he is.

↑ mummiedearest

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:44 pm

imaima wrote:

Agree
I would add another consequence for disrespect towards dh but that’s me…

Yes, but that will spiral quickly. Better not to continue the fight. End it on your terms and be done.

amother

↑ Cantaloupe

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:44 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

That is not physical. That is a consequence of not listening when she was verbally asking him to stop.

↑ imaima

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:45 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

Hmm maybe grounding him while he was spraying could have worked too.
I agree he is definitely upset but is showing it by being aloof.

WhatFor ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:47 pm

No, a teen hitting their parent isn't normal or acceptable, even though, of course, it's not completely unheard of. The example you provide reads like a power struggle between the two of you, which is not a great dynamic to be in, but it's not clear from one example what the root of it is.

The explosive child is a great book that you might find helpful. However, if there happens to be a bigger thing here like dysregulation (for ex ADHD) or any other mental health issue, a book might not be enough without getting an evaluation and treating the underlying condition.

amother

Dandelion ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:49 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

She wasn't physical. She asked him to stop he ignored the next step is removing the item, that's a perfectly normal action. Hitting is not normal and it's concerning that he does it at this age. I wouldn't salvage anything. She reacted appropriately.

The correct thing is to stick to your word. Don't undo anything and stick to the consequences.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 12:54 pm

I appreciate these responses but what can I do to prevent him from hitting us/speaking so rudely in the future?

Unfortunately, today was not an isolated event. Its happened several times.

Do I just keep giving a consequence and moving on?

amother

Raspberry ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

1. You say he has no social or emotional issues. When did these outbursts start? How long have they been going on? If you do nothing that he doesn't like and request nothing of him will they still happen?

2. Your punishment does not fit the crime. At all. I get you, I get where you are coming from (ask how), but this is a sign of being totally lost and not knowing how to parent this child.

3. Are any of your other kids like this, or just him? Do you discipline him differently than them because you feel so lost with him? Or is this example typical of how you discipline them all?

behappy2 ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:01 pm

Something went wrong right in the beginning. He should care that you told him to stop. And if he didn't stop you should care about why he didn't stop and have a conversation about that. The two of you should be coming together. Is this normal for the two of you and in general is this how your family dynamics works?

↑ WhatFor ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:03 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

She wasn't physical. She asked him to stop he ignored the next step is removing the item, that's a perfectly normal action. Hitting is not normal and it's concerning that he does it at this age. I wouldn't salvage anything. She reacted appropriately. The correct thing is to stick to your word. Don't undo anything and stick to the consequences.

I think that approach might be good for winning a battle but losing the war. Based on what OP wrote, and especially the bolded below, something more is going on here with her DS and I don't think that ratcheting up consequences is the route to success. Not to mention, he's already well past the plain punishment stage (to the extent that it ever was really even ideal). Within a couple of years, he can easily just rebel and none of these punishments have any power. He's 13, not 4. She needs to figure out how to have a relationship with him where he actually respects her and listens to her from inside of himself, not because he's scared of losing some privilege.

So what's going on with him? OP writes that he has no emotional issues but then contradicts that when she writes that he regularly loses his temper, starts fights, and behaves physically and verbally abusive toward his siblings, her, and maybe her DH. I think I'd look at an eval, to be honest, unless there was something else going on with him that would reasonably cause this kind of behavior.

amother OP wrote:

My son just turned 13. He is our eldest; we have 4 younger children. He is smart, kind, and popular. He has no social or emotional issues. However, a few times a week he will start a fight or lose his temper and things spiral quickly. He will likely name call, swear, or hit one of his younger siblings (most likely) or either me or my husband (less likely).

amother

Tanzanite ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:04 pm

A few times a week is too much. He needs to learn to control himself. You did well but I would be proactive and add a positive motivation if a week or two go by and he doesn't hit swear etc. Talk to him about what he is supposed to do when he gets upset, his options. Swearing and hitting is not an option especially not to you.

↑ WhatFor ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'll just reiterate that I think The Explosive Child could answer this for you. No, consequences do not seem to be teaching him anything.

kermit

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

My son went through 2 years of hitting us. he was not a teen, he did it ages of 5 and 6 so I know it's not the same.

he knew what he was doing was wrong but pretended it was an accident etc etc when called out for it.

First couple times I was shocked and I admit I let him get away with it with excuse 'it was a mistake' but after that, nope.

MAJOR consequences. stay-in-your-room, you're not doing xyz (just like you)

One thing else I did:

A few hours later, I sat with him and told him "my job as your parent is to raise you to be the best possible person you can be. And you have such a big and strong and powerful personality that you are going to do such big and amazing things with one day. But as your parent, I need to help you learn to use your kochos for good and good only. my job as a parent is to raise you to do the right thing. I absolutely CAN NOT not allow you to hurt me, tatty or anyone else with your body. It is a big big BIG avairah to hit a parent. I know you already know this. I know that you lose control and it's really really hard NOT to hit. But you just cannot do this. and I CANNOT let you do this, or I am not doing my job as your parent. and because of this, if you do it again, the punishment will have to be even bigger. I don't WANT to punish you. but I cannot let you let your anger out like this, do you understand?"

Lots and lots of tears. lots of "I can't stop myself". lots of me giving him tools (Run to your room. scream into your pillow. scream into your teddybears tummy. put your head under the tap cold water. yell "I'm so frustrated) etc etc.

and we had to do this with him quite a few times. and each time the punishment was BIGGER, and each time same speech. the frequency between episodes grew further and further apart.

He hasn't hit us in almost two yrs thank G-d.

Cheiny ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:08 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

I agree. It’s important to come up with an appropriate consequence after the fact, but only after you yourself are not feeling anger. Throwing out the t-shirt was an angry response, and only showing the same kind of anger that the ds was showing… that doesn’t set a good example.

I think OP should be consulting with a therapist to get professional guidance on how to react properly and I think the ds needs to get help for his anger as well.

↑ Cheiny

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:09 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Reacting from anger, and while angry is never a good idea. Throwing away the t-shirt was not a proper response.

amother

↑ Mustard ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:14 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

To me, taking something out of a teenagers hand is getting physical. Not saying its wrong perse but if a kid tends towards aggression, this can be an act of aggression in his eyes.

Try to make the scenario between two adults. Adult A is tapping a pencil at work. Adult B is his boss and asks him to stop. Adult A continues. Adult B takes away Adult As pencil. Adult A can technically claim to HR that Adult B was agressive and got into his space.

Is this extreme? Yes. But this child is clearly sensitive to physical responses. I would keep my response verbal so as to not escalate.

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