Came to a Simcha, realized (maybe) it was only for men. WWYD

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:07 pm

I received an invitation to a Bar Mitzvah, addressed to DH and me, for dessert on Friday night and the kiddush the next day.

It's common in my community to make a family Seuda on friday night, inviting Rebbeim and friends for dessert, although more common just to invite men (Rebbeim etc) when it's Summer as most woman find it hard to go out so late, so go to the Kiddush.

It's a friend I've known since Seminary, 30 years ago, and while we don't see each other all that much, we invite each other to Simchos, and speak/text pretty often.

To put in perspective, I made a Bar Mitzvah a couple of years ago, also this time of year, and only invited men (dhs co-workers and Rebbeim), as I didn't want my friends to feel pressured to go out at 11pm, inviting them to the Kiddush, this friend included.

So I got to the hall, peeked in to see where they were up to, didn't want to walk in during the Bar Mitzvah bochur's pshetl...

I saw that many men were arriving but no woman, and looked like there were no tables for ladies set up.

Wasn't sure what to do, one on hand I was already there, on the other hand, I didn't want to gate-crash.

What would you have done? I don't want to say yet what I ended up doing, would to hear what other posters think what would've been the socially correct thing to do.

amother

Lotus

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:15 pm

If I would have been alone, I probably would have gone home. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do but I have a little social anxiety so I would not have been comfortable checking it out in case I wasn’t really welcome.
If I would have been with my husband I would have panicked that there are no other women and he would have gone in to check. He most probably would have come back out to tell me there are women there even if it were 2 other people. And I would have gone inside and wondered why I didn’t realize that I wasn’t really invited for the Friday night thing. I sometimes don’t realize these small social intricacies.
What did you do? Go home or go inside to see who was there?

amother

Lightyellow

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:19 pm

What they said. But you did nothing wrong. The invite was addressed to both of you, which every normal person knows means that you're both invited. If they intended it to be a strictly men's-and-boys' club affair, they should have said so.

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:37 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

This. In my community a lot of people make a kiddush for men only, but they write it clearly on the invitation.

I would have left.

AlwaysCleaning

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:47 pm

I would have found my friend (if she was there)
And say something like "I walked with my husband so I could wish you Mazel Tov! Can't wait to see you Tom! Do you need any help setting up before hand?"
And then gone home and cringed lol

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:47 pm

ra_mom wrote:

I would go to the mom and say I just wanted to wish you a quick mazel tov and then maybe wait for dh outside.

Yup that's what I did. I wasn't sure if I'd get to the Kiddush, so I went in, wished her Mazel Tov and sat for a few mins with her older kids and nieces.

It wasn't the uncomfortable type, I know her siblings/in-law siblings. some are co-workers and I teach some of their kids. They certainly didn't make me feel out of place. On the contrary, they said it was nice that I popped in if I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the Kiddush.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:51 pm

AlwaysCleaning wrote:

The problem was that my husband wasn't with me! He doesn't know her husband very well, he had a sholom Zochor to go so he walked me there, assuming I'd find company to walk home with.

It wasn't cringy (is that a word?), they are not that type of family (seems I associate with nice people!)

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:55 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

I actually looked for the invitation when we got home to see if it was addressed to both of us, but couldn't find the envelope!

People don't usually send invitations here for the kiddush. Either they put a notice in the shuls and shops and/or text.

I'll never know!

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:01 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

If I were the bal simcha I'd be thrilled if you sat down & stayed even if we didn't officially invite women.

Same. That's why I went in and sat down for a short while. My thinking being that I would've loved it had she done the same for me.

I would've felt terrible if a friend would have come to my Simcha 'by mistake' and gone home. Like, am I so scary that she was too scared to pop in to say Mazel Tov?

It's very different to arriving to a chasuna dinner and finding out you weren't invited.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:04 pm

AlwaysCleaning wrote:

Or you might have offered to help clear up from the Seuda. After all you are 'AlwaysCleaning' LOL