How to deal with bully situation

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 8:07 am

My daughter has a terrible year where a girl bullied her badly. School got involved and it got a little better. I found out she’s going to the same day camp and I asked that she not be in the same bunk as her. There are 9 girls from the class going and I thought for sure it would be no problem to split the girls. They are claiming there is no way to split it. And my only option is to keep them together or split my kid away from the class. Which leaves her with no one she knows. I don’t know what to respond. I feel like somehow the one who is bullied always has to give up everything to be safe and it’s not right. How would you proceed at this point?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 8:13 am

Iymnok wrote:

Call the camp director and explain the situation. Either the other girl gets moved, or your does. They could easily switch the groups up. It's a little hassle and they don't want to bother.
I don't know if some sort of threat if you hear of any bullying is the right move.

I already spoke to them they claimed to try to split it and it’s impossible. So what’s my next step here? None of the options are ok options. Having to isolate my kid or having her endure more bullying which I’m sure will happen. The school didn’t solve it they just watched her like a hawk and she got in trouble. So I’m sure she’ll bully with a vengeance.

Chayalle ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 9:44 am

What is the camp's policy regarding bullying? There should be a zero tolerance. I think you should speak to the camp directors, and they should be vigilant regarding bullying, and not allow it. The counselors should be told and watch out for any bullying toward your daughter and stop it in its tracks. Parents should be informed as part of general camp policy that bullying would not be tolerated, that bullying can result in child not being allowed back to camp.

As a parent who had a child who was bullied (lots of years ago) I have a few things to point out to you:
*bullying often generates copycats. So there's no point separating only that particular girl from your daughter. Anyone else in the class is likely to bully her as a copycat, so you would have to separate her from her whole class. I don't recommend this. Better speak to the camp and ask them to watch out for any bullying, from any of her classmates.
*If your child was bullied, it behooves you as the parent to think of why that might have happened, what about your daughter might have caused her to be bullied. Does she know how to stand up for herself and brush off bullying? She needs this as a life skill, and it's your job to get her help if she needs it. Yes, I speak from experience. Otherwise she can be the target of another bully. Once they learn how to handle a bully, the bully will not find them to be such a "fun" or "interesting" target and will often move on....when my daughter turned the bully into a joke, it stopped....
*remember that hurt people hurt people. I feel sorry for the bully just as much as for your DD. (My child is BH leading a happy, successful life right now. Her bully, last I heard, is not.)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 10:35 am

Chayalle wrote:

She happens to have some delays so she’s a prime target bullying and as much as we give her skills there is only so much we can do she remains a target unfortunately. Most girls in the class did not go along with it. I don’t think they would start now. The bully is a messed up kid that much I know. Still none of this helps my daughter.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 11:16 am

amother OP wrote:

That is tough Hug

.
You need to call the camp director and ask her to speak to the counselors to have them specifically look out for your daughter and stop any bullying in its tracks.

We are in 2024, and a camp should have a zero bullying tolerance policy. In a situation such as yours, your daughter needs her counselors to be aware and looking out for her.

This is just me, but you could also bring the counselors over to your side a little by showing them appreciation early on. A note the first week thanking them for being such great counselors and looking out for "Sarah'la", perhaps with an enclosed chocolate bar....or maybe an iced coffee one morning for the counselors...or throw in your own creative idea, and those counselors will be looking out for your daughter.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 11:18 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Hi Mrs director. This is Mrs blank I don't want to be that mother but I am paying you to give my daughter a fun safe summer if that doesn't happen I won't be able to pay

Way to get the camp annoyed with you and chalk you up as a difficult parent.

My grandmother AH used to say you accomplish way more with positivity....("nor mit gutten")

mha3484

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 11:34 am

I have a middle school aged son who never had an easy time socially. He finally found his people but it was not a fast process. I sent him to a day camp that was heavily staffed by adults and I had a good relationship with the director. I would talk to the camp rebbe before camp started. I don't want to be negative but I think if I sent him to camps staffed by teenagers he would have had a harder time. I am just not sure they know how to work with a kid who isn't typical. I would really talk to the director and see if you can get more mature older counselors for her. I think Chayalles advice is good if they have the maturity to watch out for her.

amother

Clear

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 11:52 am

Chayalle wrote:

As a parent who had a child who was bullied (lots of years ago) I have a few things to point out to you:
*bullying often generates copycats. So there's no point separating only that particular girl from your daughter. Anyone else in the class is likely to bully her as a copycat, so you would have to separate her from her whole class. I don't recommend this. Better speak to the camp and ask them to watch out for any bullying, from any of her classmates.
*If your child was bullied, it behooves you as the parent to think of why that might have happened, what about your daughter might have caused her to be bullied. Does she know how to stand up for herself and brush off bullying? She needs this as a life skill, and it's your job to get her help if she needs it.

Chayalle,

Do you have a recommendation of someone that can help my child in a similar situation (Lakewood)

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:27 pm

You clearly will not get any help from camp director if they said they tried and they can't split the group.
I would approach of one or 2 of the mothers of girl's your daughter is friends with and ask if she would be willing to put her child in different bunk with your daughter.
You can ask counselors to keep an eye on them but truthfully it's super hard. Bullies tend to be very discreet, put down other kids with a couple of words when noone hears but the victim...

Signed: a mother of a kid in 2nd grade that was bullied all year !!!
Fight for your kid, nobody else will! Be the nasty mother if needed....

From my experience, schools don't know how to stop bullying. I don't blame them, not sure how I would do it but it's a huge problem!

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:33 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

Honestly if you were the parent approached and asked if you were willing to separate your child for the summer from the rest of her friends/class, would you do it?

I think the camp director could be asked to ask the counselors to look out for bullying. I also think the counselors themselves could be spoken to (and a little bribe would go a long way for their cooperation.)

I was a camp counselor, and also ran my own daycamp, as a teen. (and I agree with the poster who said adult counselors would be much better!) I can tell you that as a teen, under the hot sun all day with a bunch of kids, being asked to look out for one is a big deal. But a mother who shows appreciation is one a teen can appreciate. It can make a big difference.

Finally, as a mother whose child was bullied...I disagree with your approach completely.
Advocate for your child: absolutely. Get nasty, and you are the bully and will likely get nowhere.
FTR - I was happy with how my child's school handled the bully situation back then (Bais Faiga in Lakewood.)

↑ Chayalle

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 12:36 pm

amother Clear wrote:

Chayalle,

Do you have a recommendation of someone that can help my child in a similar situation (Lakewood)

It's been over 10 years since...but I can tell you to look for a social skills therapist (even for a child who is strong socially and has friends, like mine did) who can teach your child to stand up to a bully and laugh them off with confidence. That's what helped.

Also you need the backing of the school. No tolerance. Bais Faiga switched the bully out of my child's class (with warnings, and therapy), got professional guidance for the teacher (to stop any copycats), addressed the parents directly, didn't bury the issue....they were great.